Please Read These 6 Brief Loglines (story pitches) and vote.

[Paul Render]

Please Read These 6 Brief Loglines and tell me which is the strongest and most interesting to you. A logline is basically a 3 to 4 sentence commercial paragraph that sums up your project and sells it.

So I am developing some pitches for a new independent company looking for fantasy/horror/strange fiction stories along the lines of Vertigo and stuff like that and I have 6 ideas but I want to narrow it down to the two strongest. Once I have identified the two strongest I will get my pitch together and send it to them. I already have story outlines/plot synopsis, character sketches, even some of the scripts written so any and all help will be much appreciated. I am showing these to friends and family also, but am afraid because they are friends and relatives I may not get honest critiques. So thanks for taking the time to read these and I look forward to any comments, plus please vote for the two strongest in the poll above.

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#1.
PROJECT TITLE: MORNINGSTAR

LOGLINE: When humanity was in it’s infancy an angel who helped create them secretly decided to give up being an angel and became human. After living for hundreds of years as a man, this “Fallen Angel” senses the return of his brethren from the Heavenly Host for a final reckoning of mankind. The Heavenly Host blames the “Fallen Angel” for all of mankinds troubles and decide he and all humanity must be cleansed from the world. To prevent this final rapturous reckoning to occur The Fallen Angel organizes his fellow man in a battle against the Heavenly Host and a new Son of God.


#2
PROJECT TITLE: RUBBLE

LOGLINE: In the near future a young girl tires of her boring and pampered life as the daughter of the worlds most powerful and controversial leader. In a rebellious move she secretly joins a resistance movement and befriends the governments mysterious enemy #1, a rogue boy like robot nicknamed The Golden Boy. The girl soon discovers that there is a secret nefarious connection between The Golden Boy and her daddy’s government and that connection leads to the true story of the resistance and of the mystery of the burgeoning artificial intelligence movement which could mean the end of her daddy’s power and the country he rules.


#3
PROJECT TITLE: TUGO AND LIRLEEN

LOGLINE: Set in the not too distant future, two freakish outcasts (Tugo & Lirleen) befriend a criminal on the run. Hidden in their secret home in the contaminated forest park behind the chemical plant, the three plan their redemption and the downfall of the chemical plant which threatens to destroy the entire city. Surprisingly when love springs between the criminal and Lirleen, Tugo’s jealosy almost proves their downfall as the head of the chemical plant takes action to end Tugo and Lirleens persistent troubling presences once and for all using any and all means necessary.


#4
PROJECT TITLE: OGE

LOGLINE: In a symbolic and metaphorical examination and dissection of the idea of the ego I take a character based loosely on myself on a trip through the constant creation and sustination of the ego and look at its possible dissolution when practicing towards an enlightened life without the burden of the ego. Using strange and shocking imagery and story devices the character, time and places meld, fold and confuse until a resolution between the main character and his mental state bring about a mystifying end.


#5
PROJECT TITLE: REIGN OF THE ABABORO

LOGLINE: An alien race from another part of the galaxy is dying of extinction and are roaming the galaxy looking for a compatible humanoid race to breed with and re-populate their race. Disguising themselves as human, three of these aliens intermingle with humanity, but with their tremendous alien abilities and voracious appetities for breeding they quickly set off the alarms of the authorities in the small Mexican town they are operating in. Trying to remain secretive but continue their plan of interstellar breeding, the Ababoro (a nickname from a child who saw their spaceship and the writing on the side of it when it landed) indulge in a cycle of sex, death and frightening alien encounters.


#6
PROJECT TITLE: BLOOD RELATIVES

LOGLINE: A young gay man with a dark secret finds out that long forgotten relatives are coming to visit him. He is afraid that when they find out that he has not kept to the time honored practices of his family line they will be quite angry. In a fight for his life our main character must use all his strength & wits to survive against ancient hungry vampire relatives who want nothing more than his slaughter for turning his back on his blood sucking heritage and to fill their bellies on the unsuspecting denizens of New York City.

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And remember these are my pitches/ideas, please do not be a total f*ck and steal them (if you don't think they suck, of course). I have them printed, and published on my website, so if there is any dispute I have a good argument for any kind of legal action, ok? Thanks.

[Paul Render]

Nobody? Hello? They're that bad eh?

[Joe Acro]

I selected #2 and #3. I like the internal struggles melded nicely with the action going on around the characters. I feel that #3 could probably do a decent job of appealing to multiple audiences.

The rest of them either seem too cliché or don't appeal to my tastes.

[Lorendiac]

I finally voted for #1 and #3, but I don't have much faith in the power of a one-paragraph summary to tell me how interesting the final product would be. As I read those paragraphs, I kept thinking of follow-up questions I would have to ask if I were an editor.

For instance: after reading Logline #4, I still don't feel I have any real idea of just what would be happening in the pages of the comic book in question. I only know that it would be full of psychological significance, somehow.

Also, just a friendly word of advice: Various little typographical errors and things caught my eye as I read those six Loglines, so I'd recommend you ask a second set of eyes, someone good at spotting tiny flaws in English, to proofread them for you before you use any of them as part of a pitch to that new independent company you mention!

[Paul Render]

Thanks for the responses and votes people.
That indy company I am preparing a pitch for is Ambrosia Publishing and can
be found here (anybody can make a pitch to them by the way) http://www.ambrosiapublishing.com
And thanks for your comments Lorendiac, yeah I really suck at grammar and I just hope most of the time my errors go unnoticed. But I keep trying to improve it, and yeah a little paragraph is never enough to fully describe a story, but it's something some companies require. But it looks like I have to still do a lot of work on these pitches I am working up. Thanks again everyone.

[Lorendiac]

Thanks for the Ambrosia link. Looks interesting!

Several months ago I wrote a few pages of script, a bit of plot outline, and detailed profiles for the cast of a possible sword-and-sorcery webcomic. Then I never did anything more with it. I think I had the vague idea in my mind that I should have at least twenty pages' worth of script finished before I tried to find a collaborator to do the artwork, so that I could show an artist that I had more to offer than just a few vague ideas . . . and so prospective collaborators could read my twenty pages and get a better idea of whether this was the type of writing they would actually enjoy illustrating.

Maybe I ought to dust off that file, write some more pages, and see if anyone wants to join with me in a pitch to these Ambrosia people? (Although I wouldn't call the general tone of my proposed webcomic a "Vertigo" type of thing such as they mention on their website. The basic premise would definitely have a streak of cynicism in it, however.)