Dr. Val More, Love Doctor, Answers You

[Valmore]

After having thought about reading a book about love, it's clearly obvious that *I* am an expert on the topic, and I'm here to take all of your questions on the topic of amore. My answers are guaranteed* to help you. So post 'em if you've got 'em. You just might learn something.







* - NOT a guarantee. You won't learn a blasted thing.

[Rob on the Job]

After having thought about reading a book about love, it's clearly obvious that *I* am an expert on the topic, and I'm here to take all of your questions on the topic of amore. My answers are guaranteed* to help you. So post 'em if you've got 'em. You just might learn something.

How do I get rid of hemorrhoids?

[Valmore]

How do I get rid of hemorrhoids?

Ass cream. Also known as Preparation H. Produced by the finest wrestler to ever give everyone buttaches just listening to him talk - Triple H.

[Rob on the Job]

Ass cream. Also known as Preparation H. Produced by the finest wrestler to ever give everyone buttaches just listening to him talk - Triple H.

Wow.

You are one great human being, Dr. More.

And all this time, I used Preparation H as toothpaste. Imagine.

[Bard]

After having thought about reading a book about love, it's clearly obvious that *I* am an expert on the topic, and I'm here to take all of your questions on the topic of amore. My answers are guaranteed* to help you. So post 'em if you've got 'em. You just might learn something.







* - NOT a guarantee. You won't learn a blasted thing.


Somebody's playing around at the office. :p

ROFL

[Valmore]

Somebody's playing around at the office. :p

ROFL

Well, the break room. But close enough. :p

[HomerJay]

Does this look infected?

[Valmore]

Does this look infected?

Possibly, but it doesn't appear to be anything some B-complex, a good hot bath and some penicilin won't cure.

[Rob on the Job]

Dr. More:

Do you do penis-reduction surgeries? I'm tired of being "Robby Foot-and-a-Half."

If you could shrink me down about six inches, I'd literally feel like a kid again.

[Ed Cunard]

Val, I was going to see if you wanted to catch a midnight showing of Raiders of the Last Ark, but I forgot that it's the holidays, so I've got no time for Jones, Dr. Love.

[rick]

Dear Dr. Val.

My three ex-wives and my current wife have formed a club where every week they go out drinking. My wife won't tell me what they talk about while they are out, but every week when she comes home she spends at least 20 minutes pointing her fingers at my and laughing both loudly and drunkinly.

Should I be worried?

Signed,

Too many Cooks spoiling my broth.

[jessecuster3]

Val, I was going to see if you wanted to catch a midnight showing of Raiders of the Last Ark, but I forgot that it's the holidays, so I've got no time for Jones, Dr. Love.

Dear Dr More,

Can you still be attracted to someone after they tell really horrible jokes ?

Thank you,

Fading Quickly

[Valmore]

Dr. More:

Do you do penis-reduction surgeries? I'm tired of being "Robby Foot-and-a-Half."

If you could shrink me down about six inches, I'd literally feel like a kid again.

I'm afraid I'm not surgically qualified. And while I probably could cut your wang in half, i'm afraid it wouldn't be functional afterwards, and besides, I have no desire to look at it.

Val, I was going to see if you wanted to catch a midnight showing of Raiders of the Last Ark, but I forgot that it's the holidays, so I've got no time for Jones, Dr. Love.

I liked this!

Dear Dr. Val.

My three ex-wives and my current wife have formed a club where every week they go out drinking. My wife won't tell me what they talk about while they are out, but every week when she comes home she spends at least 20 minutes pointing her fingers at my and laughing both loudly and drunkinly.

Should I be worried?

Signed,

Too many Cooks spoiling my broth.

It's never a good sign when more than one woman you've been intimate with gets together with other women, let alone four women you've been intimate with. You're only hope is to become a bartender and poison the drinks of three of the women in question. I'll let you pick which three.

Dear Dr More,

Can you still be attracted to someone after they tell really horrible jokes ?

Thank you,

Fading Quickly

I suppose you can. Ed Cunard is a hottie, after all.

[Sgt. Preston]

Dear Dr. More,

Why is love so damn expensive?

Sincerely,

Broke as a joke in Tampa

[Valmore]

Dear Dr. More,

Why is love so damn expensive?

Sincerely,

Broke as a joke in Tampa

Because you fell in love with a high-maintenance person. This is not advisable, as high-maintenance persons will demand expensive gifts and adventures that deplete your savings account.

The solution is to find someone who likes cheap things - like Snickers bars as opposed to boxes of European chocolate.

[hulahulk]

Dear Dr. Val More,

Who would win in a fight: Def Leppard ("Love Bites") or The J Geils Band ("Love Stinks")? And would they even give Pat Benatar ("Love is a Battlefield") the time of day?

[Nikita]

After having thought about reading a book about love, it's clearly obvious that *I* am an expert on the topic, and I'm here to take all of your questions on the topic of amore. My answers are guaranteed* to help you. So post 'em if you've got 'em. You just might learn something.







* - NOT a guarantee. You won't learn a blasted thing.




I've given up on love. These days, I'm just happy to date guys who have a job and their own form of transportation. Low maintainence I is.

[Chris Nowlin]

Dear Dr. Val More,


I'm 25 and read comics. If I haven't found love yet, should I give up and/or possibly exhibit sociopathic behavior?

Thanks,
Chris

[Valmore]

Dear Dr. Val More,

Who would win in a fight: Def Leppard ("Love Bites") or The J Geils Band ("Love Stinks")? And would they even give Pat Benatar ("Love is a Battlefield") the time of day?

Def Leppard wins on both having the better song and potential butt-kicking - that one-armed drummer dude is dynamite. And it's all over if Pat does her little chest-shaking routine from the "Love is a Battlefield" video - it's like ripped-shirt Kirk. It cannot be denied.

I've given up on love. These days, I'm just happy to date guys who have a job and their own form of transportation. Low maintainence I is.

There's this guy from a few posts back who should be asking for your number about now...

Dear Dr. Val More,


I'm 25 and read comics. If I haven't found love yet, should I give up and/or possibly exhibit sociopathic behavior?

Thanks,
Chris

Hey, I found my love at age 25, so I wouldn't give up just yet. However, if you do go sociopathic make sure to pick a theme and stick with it. The real socios hate those who try a new theme every week instead of being loyal to one pathos. Dressing up in black and fighting crime at night has been taken, by the way.

[thehod]

How do I get rid of hemorrhoids?

I've got a friend who swore blind that anal sex cured her of her piles.

[TheTen-EyedMan]

I want to know if the following is true.



Wide awake in the middle of the night
I wonder how she's feelin'
Is it just a trick of the light
Or is her ceiling peeling?

She's sitting up in bed, shakin' her head
At a copy of "True Confessions"
Ooh, it must seem like a fairy tale
To a woman of her profession

But was I all right? (was I all right?)
Did I take you to the height of ecstasy?
Was I all right? (was I all right?)
Did a shadow of emotion cross your face
Or was it just another trick of the light?



But was I all right? (was I all right?)
Did I take you to the height of ecstasy?
Was I all right? (was I all right?)
Did a shadow of emotion cross your face
Or was it just another trick of the light?

Come on, tell me
What's a nice girl like you doin' in a place like this?

They don't make girls like you no more
And I'd like to get to know you
On closer terms than this
But I guess you've heard it all before

Lady of the night
Won't you steal away with me?
Lady of the night
Won't you steal away with me?

The money's lyin' on the floor, she looks at me
Shakes her head and sighs
Out of time, out the door
Red light shinin' in my eyes

But was I all right? (was I all right?)
Did I take you to the height of ecstasy?
Was I all right? (was I all right?)
Did a shadow of emotion cross your face

[Stellar]

Dear dr. More. What's the quickest way to get laid?

[HomerJay]

I've given up on love.
Nothing but meaningless sex then?
I've got a friend who swore blind that anal sex cured her of her piles.
I've got no adequate response to that, other than I've heard Ed Cunard say that too.

[Sgt. Preston]

I've given up on love. These days, I'm just happy to date guys who have a job and their own form of transportation. Low maintainence I is.


There's this guy from a few posts back who should be asking for your number about now...

I've got the Pinto warmed up and a reservation for two at the Golden Arches.

I'll even let you value size your combo meal!

[twilight]

Dear Dr.Val,

What flavour is love?

[Rob on the Job]

I've got a friend who swore blind that anal sex cured her of her piles.

I'm a hetero man.

That option is OUT.

[TheTen-EyedMan]

Dear dr. More. What's the quickest way to get laid?

I'll field this.

Turn yourself into a carpet.

[Valmore]

Dear dr. More. What's the quickest way to get laid?

Pick a fight with a large, burly nightclub bouncer named Guido. He'll lay you out quick.

Aside from that, there's always alcohol.

Dear Dr.Val,

What flavour is love?

Love tastes kind of like flesh.

[Rob on the Job]

Dear Dr. Valmore:

Smell this.

Does it smell, you know, funny?

Sincerely,

Rob

[Valmore]

Dear Dr. Valmore:

Smell this.

Does it smell, you know, funny?

Sincerely,

Rob

Always wash your hands after handling fresh fish. It'll help.

[Stellar]

Dear Dr. Val More. I'm in love with to women. How do I convince them to have a threesome?

[JeffreyWKramer]

Dear Dr. Val More. I'm in love with to women. How do I convince them to have a threesome?

Introduce them to a studly male friend of yours. ;)

[Sgt. Preston]

Dear Dr. More,

If you were to face off against Ann Landers and Dear Abby in a steel cage match who would win?

Sincerely,

Stuck In My Office.....BORED

[Valmore]

Dear Dr. Val More. I'm in love with to women. How do I convince them to have a threesome?

Sorry, but if neither of them are into it, there's no way you're going to get a threesome out of it. Many people just aren't wired for anything more than a 1-on-1 basis.

Dear Dr. More,

If you were to face off against Ann Landers and Dear Abby in a steel cage match who would win?

Sincerely,

Stuck In My Office.....BORED

They're old. Possibly dead and just having old statements rehashed to new questions by a ghost writer. I'd have to say I'd win handily.

Now against the PTI duo, there'd be trouble.