My birth fathers efforts to from a relationship?

[Lord of Denial]

I am an adopted child and the holiday season means that I will get my once yearly phone call from my birth father trying to get me to start a relationship with him. For the first 27 years of my life he was nowhere to be seen and had zero contact with me and only 4 years ago tried to find me.

And every year this means my wife and I will get into a major fight over my refusal to let him into my life.

My stand is simple.

A man knocking up my birth mother( who I never knew) does not make him my father. It makes him a sperm donor and nothing more.

The man who raised me and taught me right from wrong, who stayed up with me all night when I was sick and the man who went to work everyday and busted his ass to give me a better life then he had and raised me with hopes that I would be a better man then he ever was. That was my father and I will not slap him in the face by letting a man who did not care enough to do those things with me and for me into my life and try to take his place.


Are my feelings unreasonable?

Am I wrong in thinking that biology does not make a man a father?

[malephoenix]

Biology doesn't make a father; you're right. But at the same time, I happen to be involved in a local adoption agency, and I intend to adopt a couple children once I "settle down," even if my wife wants to have one or two homemade.

I've seen a few times when parents setting up adoption for their children is really the right thing to do. Creating a life is something special, even if people don't believe in miracles/etc., and just making a baby doesn't mean you're ready for the responsibilities. I've seen a couple cases where the parents want to communicate with the child later b/c they've gotten their life together finally and just want to know that person. But I've also known a jerk who wanted to find her kid just to try to exploit them for money.

I'm not going to pretend like I know what it's like to be in your position. But b/c you asked such a sincere question, I'd like to offer a sincere and humble answer:

People are complex. We make healthy and unhealthy choices, and sometimes, we just want to know we're appreciated while other times, we want to be selfish. I have no idea why your bio-dad (used with respect) wants to talk to you. But it's been a couple decades, you know? And let's be honest; us guys aren't the best at figuring out what our feelings mean or even what they are. Maybe he doesn't even really know why he wants to know you. Maybe he thinks he does (like maybe guilt), but it's really something else (perhaps love - I've seen weirder happen). Maybe he passed away last month, and he won't be calling this year. Or he's just a jerk that needs to "leave his past in the past."

Didn't mean to be so verbose, but I'll say it like this and shut up; the majority of cases I've seen where the parent is the one to seek out the child, things have turned out positively. Not perfect. But positive. Even in some cases, they never talk again, because they recognize that it hurts the other person too much. But they were able to meet and shoot the breeze with some small talk, and sometimes get down to the deep stuff. To be honest, though, it's just hard for us males; we have all these feelings inside of us, and we don't know how to express them in healthy ways. I'm not saying that's your problem, or even his, but I think you get what I mean, overall. Hope my wordiness didn't detract from my point.

[Lord of Denial]

Biology doesn't make a father; you're right. But at the same time, I happen to be involved in a local adoption agency, and I intend to adopt a couple children once I "settle down," even if my wife wants to have one or two homemade.

I've seen a few times when parents setting up adoption for their children is really the right thing to do. Creating a life is something special, even if people don't believe in miracles/etc., and just making a baby doesn't mean you're ready for the responsibilities. I've seen a couple cases where the parents want to communicate with the child later b/c they've gotten their life together finally and just want to know that person. But I've also known a jerk who wanted to find her kid just to try to exploit them for money.

I'm not going to pretend like I know what it's like to be in your position. But b/c you asked such a sincere question, I'd like to offer a sincere and humble answer:

People are complex. We make healthy and unhealthy choices, and sometimes, we just want to know we're appreciated while other times, we want to be selfish. I have no idea why your bio-dad (used with respect) wants to talk to you. But it's been a couple decades, you know? And let's be honest; us guys aren't the best at figuring out what our feelings mean or even what they are. Maybe he doesn't even really know why he wants to know you. Maybe he thinks he does (like maybe guilt), but it's really something else (perhaps love - I've seen weirder happen). Maybe he passed away last month, and he won't be calling this year. Or he's just a jerk that needs to "leave his past in the past."

Didn't mean to be so verbose, but I'll say it like this and shut up; the majority of cases I've seen where the parent is the one to seek out the child, things have turned out positively. Not perfect. But positive. Even in some cases, they never talk again, because they recognize that it hurts the other person too much. But they were able to meet and shoot the breeze with some small talk, and sometimes get down to the deep stuff. To be honest, though, it's just hard for us males; we have all these feelings inside of us, and we don't know how to express them in healthy ways. I'm not saying that's your problem, or even his, but I think you get what I mean, overall. Hope my wordiness didn't detract from my point.

I am going with the Jerk option. My birth father I have come to find out was pretty well off when he gave me up and had an establish career. They just did not want me.

I can't forgive that.

[thespianphryne]

Lord of Denial,

No. You are not wrong in thinking that biology does not make a man a father. The man who behaves and acts as a father is father no matter what his biological link to the child.

On the other hand your biological father is still a person. As much as he renounce his responsibility to you he probably still has many feelings and emotions attached to the idea of you as his child. If the guy actually is trying to insert himself into your life as a parental figure I'd say that's proabably out of line of for him. But do you actually know why he wants to get in touch with you. Who knows what circumstances and influences led him to making his decision so many years ago. He may be full of guilt about it, he may want to apologise, he may be curious, he may be lonely and reaching out he may be an idiot. You may form some kind of bond with him if you meet, or it may not have the slightest impression on the rest of your life. But it may mean something to him.

But if you're really not interested in any kind of relationship with him, you may have to be either more creative or more persuasive in outlining to him the extent to which you wish to have nothing to with him.

After all, you have no more no more obligation to him than as one good human to another human.

Whatever your answer is, I hope you find serenity in it.

[rick]

It’s your life and your call and I certainly think that your reasons aren't unreasonable.

However, I have to say as a father that I do understand where your biological dad is coming from.

Almost nobody gives up their kid because they just don’t want the bother or because they don’t care because they have something better to do. The vast majority of people who put a child up for adoption do it because they believe that they do not have the ability, financial, emotional or whatever to raise a baby and that putting the kid up for adoption is in the best interest of the child.

You just might owe some thanks to your biological father for putting you up for adoption and making it possible for you to have the mother and father that you have.

I’m not saying that you need to treat him as a parent or anything like that.

Hell, like I said, you should do whatever you are most comfortable with.

But I will say that unless there is something more to the story then you are giving us here, if nothing else your biological father does deserve some sympathy and even respect for at least trying to connect.


Even if you choose not to ever have anything to do with him.

[Zero Hunter]

I think if nothing else you owe it to yourself to at least talk to the guy and find out why they put you up face to face. It sounds like you do hold alot of anger inside in regards to him and if nothing else it could help you let go of that once and for all. If after talking to him you still want nothing to do with him then flat out tell him that and be done with it.

Being adopted myself I think I would at least want to talk to the guy face to face at least once if for no other reason than to just not have that cloud of wondering hanging over my head anymore.

[Lord of Denial]

It’s your life and your call and I certainly think that your reasons aren't unreasonable.

However, I have to say as a father that I do understand where your biological dad is coming from.

Almost nobody gives up their kid because they just don’t want the bother or because they don’t care because they have something better to do. The vast majority of people who put a child up for adoption do it because they believe that they do not have the ability, financial, emotional or whatever to raise a baby and that putting the kid up for adoption is in the best interest of the child.

You just might owe some thanks to your biological father for putting you up for adoption and making it possible for you to have the mother and father that you have.

I’m not saying that you need to treat him as a parent or anything like that.

Hell, like I said, you should do whatever you are most comfortable with.

But I will say that unless there is something more to the story then you are giving us here, if nothing else your biological father does deserve some sympathy and even respect for at least trying to connect.


Even if you choose not to ever have anything to do with him.


The big issue is that my dad died in 2004 and I just can't even think of bringing someone in my life so soon after his death. Even though he made it clear that if I did want to contact him he would support me.

I know it is not true but I just feel I would betray his memory and all that he gave me. I just can't do that.

[Lance]

I am going with the Jerk option. My birth father I have come to find out was pretty well off when he gave me up and had an establish career. They just did not want me.

I can't forgive that.

Don't look at it as "the Jerk option". You have reason to not let him in.

Your biological father hasn't wanted to have anything to do with you for 27 years of your life.

He wants in now.

You know what, it's too late. Too bad for him. He'll have to live with his decision.

Don't forgive that kind of abandonment.

[malephoenix]

I am going with the Jerk option. My birth father I have come to find out was pretty well off when he gave me up and had an establish career. They just did not want me.

I can't forgive that.

If they told you they flat-out just didn't want a baby, then I guess that does answer it. Although I haven't seen this personally, I have heard of more than one situation where a baby is given for adoption b/c the parent(s) has/have a career plan and having a baby then would interfere with said plan. But that's not the real reason. The real reason is b/c they're scared to death and have no idea about how to be a parent. I'm not just making it up that (*especially* for males,) there's usually a whole lot more going on than what they even think is going on.

If nothing else, I have to agree w/ what rick said. I know what he meant by "owe thanks," even if it wasn't the best wording. It did allow you to have those parents you described at the first post. That's a whole lot better than killing you b/c you were inconvenient.

[malephoenix]

The big issue is that my dad died in 2004 and I just can't even think of bringing someone in my life so soon after his death. Even though he made it clear that if I did want to contact him he would support me.

I know it is not true but I just feel I would betray his memory and all that he gave me. I just can't do that.

Dude, just to say, it's cool that you're self-aware about that. But if you know that your dad - the man that raised you - would be cool with it, and he's as good a pop as you described in your first post, then don't let the feelings of betrayal make the decision for you. You said you know it's not really betrayal. You're already a good portion of the way there.

[rick]

The big issue is that my dad died in 2004 and I just can't even think of bringing someone in my life so soon after his death. Even though he made it clear that if I did want to contact him he would support me.

I know it is not true but I just feel I would betray his memory and all that he gave me. I just can't do that.


Now that is actually a very good reason to not want to meet the man.

I never met my biological father and always thought of my step-dad as my real parent.

My dad was a good man who did his best by me and my older brother and I have never thought of him as anything but my “real” father.

My Dad died in early 2005 so I certainly will admit that I wouldn’t be overjoyed to suddenly have Dick Caswell, my blood father reappear in my life, wanting to play daddy.

Of course since Dick died back in ’79 that really isn’t going to be a problem.

Still, I really can understand your feelings.

At the same time though, it is probably worth at least one conversation just to get his side of things.

It probably won't change a thing, but someday you might wish that you had at least talked.

[rick]

I know what he meant by "owe thanks," even if it wasn't the best wording. It did allow you to have those parents you described at the first post. That's a whole lot better than killing you b/c you were inconvenient.


I did put it pretty badly, didn't I?

You made my point much better then I did.

Thanks.

[Lord of Denial]

If they told you they flat-out just didn't want a baby, then I guess that does answer it. Although I haven't seen this personally, I have heard of more than one situation where a baby is given for adoption b/c the parent(s) has/have a career plan and having a baby then would interfere with said plan. But that's not the real reason. The real reason is b/c they're scared to death and have no idea about how to be a parent. I'm not just making it up that (*especially* for males,) there's usually a whole lot more going on than what they even think is going on.

If nothing else, I have to agree w/ what rick said. I know what he meant by "owe thanks," even if it wasn't the best wording. It did allow you to have those parents you described at the first post. That's a whole lot better than killing you b/c you were inconvenient.


Well he did not say it to me directly but I did some checking and found out what he was doing in 1975 and what his life was like back then. Maybe there is more to it then I know and maybe I should find out if the reasons go deeper than they appear.

[Lord of Denial]

There are just so many issues to sort out.

I know my mother would support me but is this something she can handle so soon after her husbands death?

[Zero Hunter]

I know exactly what you mean by the not wanting to disrespect the parents that raised you. I have often thought about trying to find my birth parents if for no other reason than just to see if I have any half brothers or sisters. But still I would at least have one good talk with him. With me it is a little easier because I know why they gave me up. She was 16 and he was 18 and they were both still in school which is about all I know about them.

Back in the early 70's did fathers even have the right to overide if the mother wanted to put the kid up for adoption? I know how hostile the courts are to dads now so I can only imagine it was not much better back then.

[Michael P]

I am an adopted child and the holiday season means that I will get my once yearly phone call from my birth father trying to get me to start a relationship with him. For the first 27 years of my life he was nowhere to be seen and had zero contact with me and only 4 years ago tried to find me.

And every year this means my wife and I will get into a major fight over my refusal to let him into my life.

My stand is simple.

A man knocking up my birth mother( who I never knew) does not make him my father. It makes him a sperm donor and nothing more.

The man who raised me and taught me right from wrong, who stayed up with me all night when I was sick and the man who went to work everyday and busted his ass to give me a better life then he had and raised me with hopes that I would be a better man then he ever was. That was my father and I will not slap him in the face by letting a man who did not care enough to do those things with me and for me into my life and try to take his place.


Are my feelings unreasonable?

Am I wrong in thinking that biology does not make a man a father?
I'm adopted too, and I'm right with you. He's not your father, he's your sperm donor.

[K'Nort]

Is he automatically trying to be a father though? (Maybe I missed that part.) He can be someone you meet and even establish a relationship with without it automatically being that relationship. (Which is really quite impossible even if you and/or he wanted it that way.)

[Dark n' Lovely]

I am adopted myself and I had wonderful parents. I had the best life I could imagine. The best schools, the best churches, all that jazz. I honestly can say that even though everything was awesome, I wish that my birth parents would try to find me. I don't know the circumstances surrounding my adoption. I don't know the mental state of the people that gave me up. . . It doesn't matter. To see where my mannerisms and gestures come from. To see where I get my attitude from is astounding to me. . .

You never know what you can learn from people. Try to find it in your heart to forgive. You'll feel better for it.:D

[malephoenix]

There are just so many issues to sort out.

I know my mother would support me but is this something she can handle so soon after her husbands death?

She's your mamma. If you know she can, then she can. If you know she can't, then she can't. Doesn't mean that should make your decision, either way, either, but I see how that would weigh in for you.

Props again for that first sentence above. I know this is nowhere near the same thing, but several years ago, me and my girlfriend thought we might be pregnant. (Which is part of why I've identified so much with your thread, here.) This was really difficult for me, because I had intended to wait until I was married to sleep with someone. But in an unusual turn, she was the one that wanted to have the abortion, and I was the one that wanted to keep the child, or at least give him/her up for adoption. (She told me that it turned out we weren't pregnant after all, but I've discovered some other things since then that make me wonder if that was actually the real truth. But I digress.) I was all messed up after that, though. So many things going through my mind and heart. I ended up going and talking to a minister that I knew I could trust to not focus on the premarital sex part, and actually give me some insight. He really helped me uncover a lot of my issues. Issues I didn't even realize I had. I mean, my dad sure didn't teach me how to be so honest about my feelings and such, so I didn't even know some of the things I was thinking. But after a few weeks, I was able to really see some things I couldn't before. I'm not saying that you have to go and do the same, or even that you don't already understand everything there is to get. Just saying that it's really cool to see that you realize that there are a lot of things to sort through.

I have one particular person that's very close to me who is adopted, and they gave me some interesting points of view on it all. I respect that I don't know what it's like to be in that situation, so don't take it that I'm trying to tell you what to do.

[malephoenix]

I am adopted myself and I had wonderful parents. I had the best life I could imagine. The best schools, the best churches, all that jazz. I honestly can say that even though everything was awesome, I wish that my birth parents would try to find me. I don't know the circumstances surrounding my adoption. I don't know the mental state of the people that gave me up. . . It doesn't matter. To see where my mannerisms and gestures come from. To see where I get my attitude from is astounding to me. . .

You never know what you can learn from people. Try to find it in your heart to forgive. You'll feel better for it.:D

Is this who I think it is? That was trippy.

[Dark n' Lovely]

Is this who I think it is? That was trippy.


Yeah, HA! It's meee!

[The Grand Beef]

Him trying to be your father is a bit much.

And, not knowing all the circumstances, I don't think it'd be all too out of control to have contact with him or at the very most be friends with him. I mean, at least he's making an effort and realizing the major mistake he made.

He'll never be your father, but he's making the effort to have even some kind of contact.

But, you know...I can't even imagine what that'd be like, so I really can't say. Imagining myself in your situation, I'd know he'd never replace my real father, but I wouldn't be against him being a part of my life either.

But, I hope all works out well for you.

~Beefy

[Boldido]

Do you know if he has any children?

I don't know if you have children LOD, but before my son was born, I really had no concept of how deep the emotions of parenthood ran. I can say that if I had given a child up for adoption and then had my son, a chasm would have opened in my heart that I could not possibly know how to fill.

For whatever reason, this guy gave you up for adoption twenty seven years ago. He gave up all the joy that you could have brought into his life. He gave up you sleeping on his chest and giving you hugs and dragging your teddy bear around the house. If he never raised a child then he probably doesn't know what he gave up. If he did, however, then the pain must be intense. I don't know the man, but I can't imagine anyone expecting to come into a father role after doing what he did, but if I were him I would be desperate for whatever I could get.

It sounds like your REAL dad was a good man and I'm sorry for your loss. While there can be no doubt that he did quite a lot for you, I'm quite certain that you brought much joy into the hearts and lives of both your parents.

[Stellar]

I can't really blame you for not wanting to let this guy in your life, Lord. He tried to make contact 4 years ago you say, where the hell was he the other 20 something years of your life? Why does he want to make contact now? Is he just planning to use you as a source of income when he retires?

Forgive me for being frank, but screw him. You don't owe him jack and I am astonished by the fact that your wife doesn't understand that.

[Boldido]

I can't really blame you for not wanting to let this guy in your life, Lord. He tried to make contact 4 years ago you say, where the hell was he the other 20 something years of your life? Why does he want to make contact now? Is he just planning to use you as a source of income when he retires?

Forgive me for being frank, but screw him. You don't owe him jack and I am astonished by the fact that your wife doesn't understand that.
Do you have any kids?

[Stellar]

Any teacher will tell you that that is no argument at all.

[Lord of Denial]

Do you know if he has any children?

I don't know if you have children LOD, but before my son was born, I really had no concept of how deep the emotions of parenthood ran. I can say that if I had given a child up for adoption and then had my son, a chasm would have opened in my heart that I could not possibly know how to fill.

For whatever reason, this guy gave you up for adoption twenty seven years ago. He gave up all the joy that you could have brought into his life. He gave up you sleeping on his chest and giving you hugs and dragging your teddy bear around the house. If he never raised a child then he probably doesn't know what he gave up. If he did, however, then the pain must be intense. I don't know the man, but I can't imagine anyone expecting to come into a father role after doing what he did, but if I were him I would be desperate for whatever I could get.

It sounds like your REAL dad was a good man and I'm sorry for your loss. While there can be no doubt that he did quite a lot for you, I'm quite certain that you brought much joy into the hearts and lives of both your parents.


Yeah I have a son and a baby on the way. I want them to know the man who raised me and was my father as their grandfather and not to confuse them with a person coming into our lives out of no where. I know my father is no longer with us but I will make sure my children know who he was and what a wonderful man he was. And say I do start having contact with this man will he drop us from his life again and hurt my children.

My wife tells me that if I don't find out where I come from and who my bio-parents where then I will always have questions as to who I am and I might regret it for the rest of my life.

But if it is something that confuses my kids and puts them in a position where they can be hurt I will just have to live with those questions and that regret. My childrens happiness comes before my own. Period.

As a father I am sure you get that.

[Boldido]

Any teacher will tell you that that is no argument at all.That wasn't an argument, it was a question. Since you automatically took the defensive, however, I'll assume the answer is a no.

You seem to be making a lot of judgements and assumptions in your posts about a guy you know very little about. (Source of income? Where the hell did that come from? Is LOD loaded and we don't know it?)

I'm not trying to justify the actions of anyone and am not trying to defend him. I'm also not as quck as you are to condemn him without knowing more.

[Zombienorthstar]

Hmmmm this is a hard question. I guess anecdotal relation is the best i can offer.

My mother was married to a man. He was not, in my opinion, a good man. Violent, unreliable and a bully from what small information i have gleaned. My mother left him when i was one. She gave him every oppurtunity to see his son (me) and while he did it was infrequent and pretty soon it died out altogether.

Then my mother met a new man. A wonderful human being. He accepted me as his own son (i was about 2/2 and a half by now) and he is all i can i remember as a father (aside from the odd flashback) They soon had their own daughter and we were raised as full brother and sister with our father never treating us any different from eachother despite biology.

It was around this time my parents wanted me adopted...in the event something happened to my mother they wanted my biological father to have no say in my life...and to not be able to yank me away from my new family at a whim. This suited my biological father fine...hed basically stopped being a father and was preparing to move to America. So he signed me over to a man he'd never met.

For much of my childhood this bothered me...people are supposed to love their children unconditionally...but this man was willing to sign me off...i was angry at him...at the situation... what was so wrong with me that he didnt love me enough to fight for me the way parents are supposed to?

It wasnt till i was a teenager that i realised this didnt matter. My life was ultimatley better for the adoption. It doesnt matter regarding my biological fathers intention...selfishly motivated it might have been...but i prospered...and he missed out on me. Im secure enough in myself to know that it was a loss for him. He has new children now in the states...i can only hope he loves them.

As to reconnecting...it seems like a reconnection would give him some closure...but would it give you anything? This isnt about him...dont reconnect out of some duty to him...can he fulfill you in any way even if it is just to resolve some previously unresolved issues?

In my case i realised a long time ago that while i may be the double of my biological father theres nothing he can teach me about myself that i dont already know...one day i might like to meet his children...but only out of a casual interest....i have no hole inside that needs to be filled.

[Boldido]

Yeah I have a son and a baby on the way. I want them to know the man who raised me and was my father as their grandfather and not to confuse them with a person coming into our lives out of no where. I know my father is no longer with us but I will make sure my children know who he was and what a wonderful man he was. And say I do start having contact with this man will he drop us from his life again and hurt my children.

My wife tells me that if I don't find out where I come from and who my bio-parents where then I will always have questions as to who I am and I might regret it for the rest of my life.

But if it is something that confuses my kids and puts them in a position where they can be hurt I will just have to live with those questions and that regret. My childrens happiness comes before my own. Period.

As a father I am sure you get that.
Absolutely. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, I was asking if you know whether HE has any children.

I am also not suggesting any course of action on your part, that would be presumptuous and wrong and I'm certainly not suggesting this guy have any contact with your kids. I was merely suggesting a reason why this guy might want to talk to you. This could be done without you ever telling your kids. If you ever decide to have contact it should be on your terms and only to the degree that you are comfortable. Heck, a simple phone call from you or your wife to him telling him that you are not ruling out the possiblity of contact in the future but that now is not the right time could afford the man a great deal of solace.

Good luck.

[Stellar]

That wasn't an argument, it was a question. Since you automatically took the defensive, however, I'll assume the answer is a no.

You seem to be making a lot of judgements and assumptions in your posts about a guy you know very little about. (Source of income? Where the hell did that come from? Is LOD loaded and we don't know it?)

I'm not trying to justify the actions of anyone and am not trying to defend him. I'm also not as quck as you are to condemn him without knowing more.

First of all, my father left us when I was 6. My younger brother was too little to remember it, but I have the details. I heard from him 9 years later when he called on my 15th birthday. Without explaining where the hell he was and expected me to just let him in. Then he showed up at my school asking for my grades. The head mistress told him she couldn't show them to him without my mother's permission. That, IMO, was not only highly arrogant an insult to my intelligence. And I have told him that I want nothing to do with him because as far as I'm concerned, I don't owe him jack.

Second, as I stated above my dad waited 9 years. Lord's 'biological father' as I will now refer to him, waited 20 years. 20. Years. Do you honestly expect him to forgive that? Without a good reason? Cause right now, it looks like the guy doesn't have a really good excuse for it.

He had a chance to be a man. To be a father. You messed up for 20 years and expect your son to act like everything's peachy?

Hell to the No.

[Zombienorthstar]

LOD owes the man nothing...but he owes it to himself to consider the ramifications of ignoring him forever and also the ramifications of contacting him.

He's not your father...hes a man...a man who made a mistake, perhaps..but still.

[Stellar]

What ramifications? I don't see LOD losing anything by not interacting with this man.

[Gingold]

I'd assume Lord's bio-father's wait of 20 years may have had to do with not wanting to interfere with his life while he was a minor. But it's a personal decision that he's got to make, based on what's right for him and his family.

[Zombienorthstar]

What ramifications? I don't see LOD losing anything by not interacting with this man.

Peace of mind perhaps....hence why i asked in my initial post:

"As to reconnecting...it seems like a reconnection would give him some closure...but would it give you anything? This isnt about him...dont reconnect out of some duty to him...can he fulfill you in any way even if it is just to resolve some previously unresolved issues?"

If LOD's answer to this is 'No.' then by all means he shouldnt pander to this man. If the answer is 'Maybe.' then he should consider it.

[Boldido]

First of all, my father left us when I was 6. My younger brother was too little to remember it, but I have the details. I heard from him 9 years later when he called on my 15th birthday. Without explaining where the hell he was and expected me to just let him in. Then he showed up at my school asking for my grades. The head mistress told him she couldn't show them to him without my mother's permission. That, IMO, was not only highly arrogant an insult to my intelligence. And I have told him that I want nothing to do with him because as far as I'm concerned, I don't owe him jack.

Second, as I stated above my dad waited 9 years. Lord's 'biological father' as I will now refer to him, waited 20 years. 20. Years. Do you honestly expect him to forgive that? Without a good reason? Cause right now, it looks like the guy doesn't have a really good excuse for it.

He had a chance to be a man. To be a father. You messed up for 20 years and expect your son to act like everything's peachy?

Hell to the No.
Stellar I am not expecting LOD to do anything. I am not suggesting any course of conduct. You clearly had a horrible experience with your father that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

The fact that LOD posted this at all suggests that either he is conflicted in someway about talking to the guy or he was soliciting the opinions of others so he could use them to get his wife to get off his back about it (I have done that a time or two here myself) and I was discussing it with him.

Zombienorthstar has probably said it best. LOD DOESN'T owe this guy anything and I never intended to suggest he did. Whatever LOD does should be because that's what he wants, but his situation is not your situation and to assume that LOD's biological father was the same guy that your biological dad was is no less presumptuous. I don't expect everything to be peachy and don't expect him to forgive him. I don't expect anything. You ask if his biological father should expect him to forgive him without a good reason, how would he know what the reason is without talking to the man?

[JeffreyWKramer]

Well he did not say it to me directly but I did some checking and found out what he was doing in 1975 and what his life was like back then. Maybe there is more to it then I know and maybe I should find out if the reasons go deeper than they appear.

There could be lots of reasons. Some might be good ones - maybe he had something psychological going on, or something about his own past/issues that made him think he'd be a shitty father. Maybe he had a drug problem. Or there could be crappy reasons - maybe he was mad at your mother or something like that.

You won't know until you know, though.

But ultimately, it is your decision. Here's hoping whatever you ultimately do, it's the right thing for you.

[JeffreyWKramer]

There are just so many issues to sort out.

I know my mother would support me but is this something she can handle so soon after her husbands death?

If she's handled her husband's death, she'll handle you making contact with this guy - something your father had said she'd be fine with. If she might have any doubt, just make it clear you're not trying to replace your dad with this guy - that your reasons are something entirely different than that.

[Stellar]

Now that I'll agree with.

[JeffreyWKramer]

What ramifications? I don't see LOD losing anything by not interacting with this man.

Hard to tell one way or another. They guy might have some useful information to offer LoD - family health history, for example. Or he might not. He might be a big douchebag. Thing is, there's no way to know.

So, I certainly understand the hesitation LoD has, especially given what he's shared so far. There's no easy answers here, in either direction.

[Lord of Denial]

I would like to thank everyone for the advice and the insights all have given me. It takes time out of your day to consider my situation and I truly owe a thanks to each of you for doing just that.

As others have said I guess a quick phone conversation would not hurt and I can gain information on his motives and reasons for wanting to see me. I don't have to commit to anything and I can make it clear to him that a father/son relationship is not an option as I had a father and he will always remain so. I can also let him know that a door for now is shut but in the future a door maybe opened to a friendship if his motives and intentions are honorable.


Again thank you for the advice on such a hard subject. CBR is really like a virtual family in alot of ways and though we can be crude and rude at times but I have not meant many finer people them most people here.

[JeffreyWKramer]

I'm glad if my comments were of any help at all.

Good luck to you with this, LoD.

[Boldido]

Good luck LoD.

[Stellar]

Good luck, LoD. You have a lot to think about, but hey, take your time.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

A few years back I worked in a Steak House a young girl and me became close. She would talk to me about things. I believe its because even as a joker type I have this very calming , trusting image if people ever met me. So naturally one day while doing some cleaning she told me a long lost secret.

She had been pregnet 2 to 3 years earlier. Her father was a scrict s.o.b who believed in marriage and then kids. Her and her bf cleary weren't gonna make it. She knew she couldn't handle the responsibility and didn't wanna have an abortion. So she put it up for adoption.

I didn't push the issue hard. I acted cool and asked her had she told her current bf. She said no. I advised her that if she and her current bf were gonna start things off on the right track she should at least be honest and forth coming on that.

I asked her if she thought about her kid. That if she ever thought of seeing him/her. She said that it does make her think a lot. That it crosses her mind a lot. At the end she asked me what I would do and I told her had I been in that position I'd try and go see the kid.

In the end I always wonder if she finally acted on the feelings she had. I never told anyone else about it since it was a private conversation. She asked me not to and its been 4 to 5 years since so...I suppose I could post this in this topic.

[Zero Hunter]

First of all, my father left us when I was 6. My younger brother was too little to remember it, but I have the details. I heard from him 9 years later when he called on my 15th birthday. Without explaining where the hell he was and expected me to just let him in. Then he showed up at my school asking for my grades. The head mistress told him she couldn't show them to him without my mother's permission. That, IMO, was not only highly arrogant an insult to my intelligence. And I have told him that I want nothing to do with him because as far as I'm concerned, I don't owe him jack.

Second, as I stated above my dad waited 9 years. Lord's 'biological father' as I will now refer to him, waited 20 years. 20. Years. Do you honestly expect him to forgive that? Without a good reason? Cause right now, it looks like the guy doesn't have a really good excuse for it.

He had a chance to be a man. To be a father. You messed up for 20 years and expect your son to act like everything's peachy?

Hell to the No.

There is a big difference between giving a kid up for adoption and hoping they have a better life and just taking off on your family after playing dad for a few years. Most parents I would assume how give kids up for adoption would wait until the kid is an adult before trying to contact them in any way to avoid causing problmes when the kid is young or teenager. Yeah your dad sounds like a real asshole, but you can't paint all parents who give up their kids when they are first born to him and what he did. Total apples and oranges type thing.

I hope whatever you decide LOD that it turns out well for you and your family.

[K'Nort]

I can't really blame you for not wanting to let this guy in your life, Lord. He tried to make contact 4 years ago you say, where the hell was he the other 20 something years of your life? Why does he want to make contact now? Is he just planning to use you as a source of income when he retires?

Forgive me for being frank, but screw him. You don't owe him jack and I am astonished by the fact that your wife doesn't understand that.

Thing is, abandoning a wife and kids -- like your father did -- and choosing to put an unexpected baby with someone you're not intending to stay with up for adoption are very different things. Certainly one is totally irresponsible, but the other is frequently doing the best possible thing.

It's also very possible that the guy was willing but unable to make contact sooner. It's not always legal. The records aren't always available. Plus, as someone said, it's totally inappropriate to do that to a minor. What if he didn't even know he was adopted?

LoD doesn't owe this guy a relationship or anything like that. But he's not automatically pondscum. Adoption is not abandonment, like choosing to start a family and then changing your mind.

In regards to the mother, she's probably much better prepared for it than LoD. It's bad timing, soon after losing a spouse, but adoptive parents think about the birth parents showing up from day one. They're usually much better prepared for it than the children themselves.

Jeffrey mentioned the health thing. This is becoming huge. As more and more things get credited to (or blamed on) genetics, knowing your biological history becomes very urgent for some people. For some, even, everything is now about dna. That was the basis for a big push in Oregon a few years ago to force adoption records to be unsealed. It may have even won. Which I don't really agree with. I can see telling parents moving forward that they can't hide, but to do it retroactively is cruel.

Edit: Apparently I owe ZH a soda.

[Winslow]

As others have said I guess a quick phone conversation would not hurt and I can gain information on his motives and reasons for wanting to see me. I don't have to commit to anything and I can make it clear to him that a father/son relationship is not an option as I had a father and he will always remain so. I can also let him know that a door for now is shut but in the future a door maybe opened to a friendship if his motives and intentions are honorable.

A very reasonable decision.

I just wanted to add that I thought your passionate desire to honor the man that adopted you (your real Father as you put it) was very cool.

You should think through a way to tell him your appreciation for his role as your Dad. I'm sure he'd be touched.

[Fish Sauce]

A very reasonable decision.

I just wanted to add that I thought your passionate desire to honor the man that adopted you (your real Father as you put it) was very cool.

You should think through a way to tell him your appreciation for his role as your Dad. I'm sure he'd be touched.

Unfortunately I think that he mentioned that his adoptive father passed away a couple of years ago.

I think that's it's fantastic that you respect him so much, though.

All the best with sorting everything out. Hope the conversation goes okay.

[Winslow]

Unfortunately I think that he mentioned that his adoptive father passed away a couple of years ago.

That's what I get for Monday mornng speed reading to catch-up.

Again, good luck LoD.