rocky_923
11-26-2006, 11:21 AM
I haven't posted on CBR in a VERY long time, it's good to be back. Anyways, i have finally gotten the nerve to start writing some screen plays. I have two shorts (probably 10 - 20 minutes on film) and I have an idea for a feature length i want to start writing. Being this is my first real attempt, i was hoping for some very honest opinions on my work. Any type of critique will be appreciated.
Second Chance
by Derek Smith
Nov 26, 2006
EXT PARK – DAY
The park is fairly inactive as the CAMERA walks through it. The CAMERA passes two guys playing a basketball game, walks over to a bench. JAKE sits on the bench. He looks around and enjoys the peaceful atmosphere. JAKE notices MICHELLE jogging towards him. She stops and rests on the bench.
JAKE
Nice day for a jog.
MICHELLE
(looking a little puzzled)
Yeah, spring’s finally here.
JAKE looks MICHELLE in the eyes and nods. He gives her a little smile.
JAKE
My name’s JAKE, by the way.
MICHELLE
…Michelle…
MICHELLE puts her hand out for JAKE to shake it. JAKE takes the classy approach pretends to kiss the hand from a distance. JAKE gestures MICHELLE to take a walk. She obliges.
JAKE
So, are you from around?
MICHELLE
No, I just moved here from the west coast.
JAKE
You know, this may sound a little forward, but I was wondering if you would like to grab a coffee or something with me sometime?
MICHELLE
I’d like that. Do you have a pen?
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – DAY
JAKE is painting a picture of a women crying.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD SIDE – DAY
JAKE walks toward JOANNE who’s stranded on the side of the road. JAKE offers his hand as a greeting and points at the engine. The CAMERA moves in tight on JAKE’S face as a sadistic grin develops.
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – DAY
The CAMERA focuses on the fridge with JAKE taking out a beer. JAKE sits down at his computer and brings up “information”. He looks at the paper MICHELLE gave him and types in her phone number.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE MICHELE’S HOUSE – DAY
A car pulls up outside MICHELLE’S house. JAKE is inside the car glaring oat the house. MICHELLE leaves the house and walks down the street.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE MICHELLE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
MICHELLE returns home. As soon as the door closes behind her JAKE drives away in the car.
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
JAKE enters his apartment, throws his keys down and heads for the phone. He picks up the phone…
CUT TO:
INT. JOANNE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
JOANNE picks up the ringing phone, but we have yet to see her face.
JOANNE
Hello?
JAKE
Hey, Joanne? It’s Jake.
JOANNE
Oh, Jake, I’m so glad you called. I was just thinking about you.
JAKE
Good, because I was wondering if, perhaps, you’d like to go grab a bite to eat?
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
JAKE begins dialing the phone.
MICHELLE
Hello?
JAKE
Hey, Michelle? It’s Jake…
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – LATE AFTERNOON
JAKE and MICHELLE walk through the same park they met in earlier.
JAKE
I’m having a really good time.
MICHELLE
Me too.
MICHELLE pauses a moment and looks into the river.
MICHELLE
It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date.
JAKE
I know what you mean. My last one didn’t go so well…
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODED AREA – NIGHT
JAKE and JOANNE hold hands as they walk along the tree line. They come to a romantic dinner set up before them. JOANNE gets excited and runs closer to get a better look. We focus on JAKE clenching his fist as his face grows extremely serious. He begins to move towards JOANE.
JOANNE
JAKE this is so…
She sees the transformation and begins to feel uneasy.
JOANNE
JAKE, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.
He doesn’t say a word. He just continues on his quest.
JOANNE
…JAKE? …JAKE?
Fear consumes JOANNE and she panics. She lets out a scream and tries to run, but JAKE is too close and grabs her.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
JAKE and MICHELLE are on their way over a bridge.
MICHELLE
Well, JAKE, I’ve had a good time. You’re a real gentleman.
As MICHELLE turns to look at JAKE that sadistic look grows on his face again. MICHELLE remains calm. JAKE begins to move toward MICHELLE. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. She directs the barrel at JAKE’S face. JAKE takes a step back with a sense of shock on his face. The CAMERA moves in close on MICHELE’S trigger finger, then on her face.
MICHELLE
Not this time, "A-hole."
MICHELLE jumps a little as the gun goes off and JAKE drops dead.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODED AREA – NIGHT
JAKE is attacking JOANE when she kicks him in the junk and manages to escape. As she runs away we finally see her face.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
We start with a close up of MICHELLE walking away. She takes her glasses off and lets her hair down. We realize MICHELLE and JOANNE are on and the same as she leaves the shot and JAKE’S corpse is all that remains.
THE END
Second Chance
by Derek Smith
Nov 26, 2006
EXT PARK – DAY
The park is fairly inactive as the CAMERA walks through it. The CAMERA passes two guys playing a basketball game, walks over to a bench. JAKE sits on the bench. He looks around and enjoys the peaceful atmosphere. JAKE notices MICHELLE jogging towards him. She stops and rests on the bench.
JAKE
Nice day for a jog.
MICHELLE
(looking a little puzzled)
Yeah, spring’s finally here.
JAKE looks MICHELLE in the eyes and nods. He gives her a little smile.
JAKE
My name’s JAKE, by the way.
MICHELLE
…Michelle…
MICHELLE puts her hand out for JAKE to shake it. JAKE takes the classy approach pretends to kiss the hand from a distance. JAKE gestures MICHELLE to take a walk. She obliges.
JAKE
So, are you from around?
MICHELLE
No, I just moved here from the west coast.
JAKE
You know, this may sound a little forward, but I was wondering if you would like to grab a coffee or something with me sometime?
MICHELLE
I’d like that. Do you have a pen?
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – DAY
JAKE is painting a picture of a women crying.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD SIDE – DAY
JAKE walks toward JOANNE who’s stranded on the side of the road. JAKE offers his hand as a greeting and points at the engine. The CAMERA moves in tight on JAKE’S face as a sadistic grin develops.
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – DAY
The CAMERA focuses on the fridge with JAKE taking out a beer. JAKE sits down at his computer and brings up “information”. He looks at the paper MICHELLE gave him and types in her phone number.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE MICHELE’S HOUSE – DAY
A car pulls up outside MICHELLE’S house. JAKE is inside the car glaring oat the house. MICHELLE leaves the house and walks down the street.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE MICHELLE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
MICHELLE returns home. As soon as the door closes behind her JAKE drives away in the car.
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
JAKE enters his apartment, throws his keys down and heads for the phone. He picks up the phone…
CUT TO:
INT. JOANNE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
JOANNE picks up the ringing phone, but we have yet to see her face.
JOANNE
Hello?
JAKE
Hey, Joanne? It’s Jake.
JOANNE
Oh, Jake, I’m so glad you called. I was just thinking about you.
JAKE
Good, because I was wondering if, perhaps, you’d like to go grab a bite to eat?
CUT TO:
INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
JAKE begins dialing the phone.
MICHELLE
Hello?
JAKE
Hey, Michelle? It’s Jake…
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – LATE AFTERNOON
JAKE and MICHELLE walk through the same park they met in earlier.
JAKE
I’m having a really good time.
MICHELLE
Me too.
MICHELLE pauses a moment and looks into the river.
MICHELLE
It’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a date.
JAKE
I know what you mean. My last one didn’t go so well…
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODED AREA – NIGHT
JAKE and JOANNE hold hands as they walk along the tree line. They come to a romantic dinner set up before them. JOANNE gets excited and runs closer to get a better look. We focus on JAKE clenching his fist as his face grows extremely serious. He begins to move towards JOANE.
JOANNE
JAKE this is so…
She sees the transformation and begins to feel uneasy.
JOANNE
JAKE, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.
He doesn’t say a word. He just continues on his quest.
JOANNE
…JAKE? …JAKE?
Fear consumes JOANNE and she panics. She lets out a scream and tries to run, but JAKE is too close and grabs her.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
JAKE and MICHELLE are on their way over a bridge.
MICHELLE
Well, JAKE, I’ve had a good time. You’re a real gentleman.
As MICHELLE turns to look at JAKE that sadistic look grows on his face again. MICHELLE remains calm. JAKE begins to move toward MICHELLE. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. She directs the barrel at JAKE’S face. JAKE takes a step back with a sense of shock on his face. The CAMERA moves in close on MICHELE’S trigger finger, then on her face.
MICHELLE
Not this time, "A-hole."
MICHELLE jumps a little as the gun goes off and JAKE drops dead.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODED AREA – NIGHT
JAKE is attacking JOANE when she kicks him in the junk and manages to escape. As she runs away we finally see her face.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK – NIGHT
We start with a close up of MICHELLE walking away. She takes her glasses off and lets her hair down. We realize MICHELLE and JOANNE are on and the same as she leaves the shot and JAKE’S corpse is all that remains.
THE END