There are somethings you just shouldn't do. [Archive]

View Full Version : There are somethings you just shouldn't do.

thehod

11-09-2006, 02:27 AM

One of them is diss James Bond, especially if you're an Englishman, yet this is what Brian Reade has done in his column in the Daily Mirror this morning.

When I'm running this country, Reade'll be the first one against the wall, mark my words.

NO, NO, SEVEN

WE Englishmen are a very misunderstood and misrepresented breed.

Ask a foreigner for a stereotype which paints us at our worst and they'll say a pale, tattooed, pot-bellied xenophobic drunk.

Ask for an image of us at our best and they'll say James Bond - an icon who is the epitome of English cool.

Well, pardon me for interrupting the current Bond homage (a compulsory exercise cynically whipped up by Hollywood and swallowed by a flattered London whenever one of his tedious films is released) but I'd rather be compared to the yob.

At least when the yob's sober he is almost human - while Bond is permanently an arrogant bore, who has been giving Englishmen a bad name for too long.

And it's time he was outed as an upper-class, misogynist, petrolhead, toys-for-the-boys loving, naff-dressing fake - who delivers Alan Partridge-esque one-liners while getting picky over how his martini is served in tacky islands inhabited by Cliff Richard.

He's sexy, is he? OK, if you believe a chat-up line consists of someone saying his surname, first name and surname again, while lighting your ciggy by putting his hand around yours and arching his eyebrows. A control freak who will only smoke Turkish cigarettes adorned with three gold bands.

As for his style, who wears dinner jackets apart from dying colonels and City bankers who send the "little ladies" out before retiring with the brandy? And his casual wear - black slip-ons and tropical worsted slacks - would shame a Texan tourist.

What's his idea of gambling? Doing the fixed football odds? No. Playing roulette. With a dicky bow on. As for him being a top drinker, would you go on a pub crawl with someone who kept asking for "a dry martini in a deep champagne goblet - three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice cold, then add a large slice of lemon peel"?

And how quickly would you bail out if, after handing him Goldfinger line: "There are some things that just aren't done. Such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above a temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit"?

Look at his fans. Trekkies who obsess over film trivia and fantasise about who'll be the next Bond. Saddos who grew up with Ferrari posters on their walls and now wear leather driving gloves while watching Top Gear.

BOND is an anachronism. A philistine who hates music and art.

He's a car bore and gadget bore whose favourite book is Modern Fundamentals Of Golf. An ace skier, who clearly spent every school holiday in Klosters with junior royals. Imagine the conversations, girls? Jeremy Clarkson meets Tarby with a dash of Prince Andrew.

Actually, you don't have to worry about conversation. Because his only criteria for women is that they are large breasted cliches. And great sex is making love with "rather cold passion to a similarly disposed woman" - which lasts about 007 minutes - before sighing: "The things I do for England."

He's clearly a closet gay. All those fit birds? They never last. Ian Fleming has been doing a Max Clifford-style cover-up since day one.

So let's stop all this adulation and admit that, far from being the epitome of English cool, he's a foreign-owned franchise, a public school phoney and a baccarat-playing bore. The name's Bland. James Bland.

Paradox

11-09-2006, 02:33 AM

Ask a foreigner for a stereotype which paints us at our worst and they'll say a pale, tattooed, pot-bellied xenophobic drunk.

He forgot "bad teeth" and "eat food made from things we usually bury in the garden". :D

ocelotrevs

11-09-2006, 03:14 AM

They missed out on a great piece of marketing.
The film should've been realeased next year.
2 - 007

Fish Sauce

11-09-2006, 03:20 AM

That is not cool.

Sean Whitmore

11-09-2006, 03:46 AM

The Fury

11-09-2006, 04:02 AM

I agree abotu the one liners crap, you tried half those lines on a girl nowadays you'd just get slapped.

He forgot "bad teeth" and "eat food made from things we usually bury in the garden". :D
Bad teeth is a rumour as you know.

But eating what's usually burried in the garden = healthy food., Carrots, Potatoes, moles, they're all good.

Grazzt

11-09-2006, 09:03 AM

Personally, I agree with every point he makes. Bond is not a standard you should want to live up to.

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 09:33 AM

Personally, I agree with every point he makes. Bond is not a standard you should want to live up to.

He's not meant to be. He's an alcoholic asassin who hates women. He murders people for the governement, and in the novels, is pretty clearly rife with self-loathing. It is often implied that he is as effective as he is because he is cold-blooded and essentially suicidal.

But that's why we love him.

This writer is an asshole.

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 09:37 AM

He forgot to mention that Bond doesn't know dick about alcohol. In the words of fictional president Jebediah Bartlet: :D

“Shaken, not stirred, will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.”

SEAN

Dear Aaron Sorkin-
Only lame-os who want to prove that they're cooler than Bond bitch about the way he drinks his Martinis. As long as a man is drinking two hard liquors, he can order it however he wants. Ask howyadoin and/or PLAYBOY circa 1960.

And there's no ice in a vodka martini, Mister Fake President.

sincerely,

Kid Omega

Michael P

11-09-2006, 09:50 AM

Grazzt

11-09-2006, 09:55 AM

He's not meant to be. He's an alcoholic asassin who hates women. He murders people for the governement, and in the novels, is pretty clearly rife with self-loathing. It is often implied that he is as effective as he is because he is cold-blooded and essentially suicidal.

But that's why we love him.

This writer is an asshole.

The writer's complaint, though, is that Bond is seen as the British people at their best. I mean, do you want the perception that the best people in your country are a bunch of snobbish, misogynisitc, self-loathing, psychopathic, and cruel assassins?

Paradox

11-09-2006, 09:56 AM

Kid Omega makes me show my different tack:

Dear Aaron Sorkin-
Only lame-os who want to prove that they're cooler than Bond bitch about the way he drinks his Martinis. As long as a man is drinking two hard liquors, he can order it however he wants. Ask howyadoin and/or PLAYBOY circa 1960.

And there's no ice in a vodka martini, Mister Fake President.

sincerely,

Kid Omega

I never had a problem with his fancy ordering. I have a problem with his liquor choice.

Vodka martinis are for girls. GIN, dammit! :)

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 10:00 AM

The writer's complaint, though, is that Bond is seen as the British people at their best.

I'm not sure where he's getting that. Just because he's one of the more popular fiction exports doesn't mean that people see him as the epitome of all things british.

I mean, no one claims that Dr. Who is an example of British people at their best....

Dr. Hfuhruhurr

11-09-2006, 10:01 AM

He forgot to mention that Bond doesn't know dick about alcohol. In the words of fictional president Jebediah Bartlet: :D

“Shaken, not stirred, will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.”

SEAN

Bond drinks vodka martinis, which are meant to be shaken, not stirred. The reason one shakes a vodka martini is to ensure the vodka is cold. Lukewarm vodka tastes vile. The reason one never shakes a gin martini is that shaking bruises the gin. Although, personally, I could never tell the difference between "bruised" and "unbruised" gin, even after vigorous field testing.

Valmore

11-09-2006, 10:02 AM

Bad teeth is a rumour as you know.

Don't make me borrow my dentist's copy of "The Big Book of British Smiles."

StoneGold

11-09-2006, 10:23 AM

Keep in mind, the only other stereotype is that the men are all secretly gay.

SOGG

11-09-2006, 10:49 AM

I think that the Bond franchise died right when Pierce Brosnan took over. They turned into huge adverts that made it look like MI5 needed corporate sponsorship.

He reminded me of the fake Authority.

Slam_Bradley

11-09-2006, 11:12 AM

Ed Cunard

11-09-2006, 11:14 AM

I will make a note to add this to the list beside "tugging on Superman's cape," spitting into the wind," and the others.

Slam_Bradley

11-09-2006, 11:15 AM

I will make a note to add this to the list beside "tugging on Superman's cape," spitting into the wind," and the others.

Don't forget pulling the mask off Scott.

Ed Cunard

11-09-2006, 11:17 AM

And messing around with Jim.

Slam_Bradley

11-09-2006, 11:20 AM

And messing around with Jim.

Never met a "Jim" I wanted to mess around with.

The Fury

11-09-2006, 11:40 AM

Don't make me borrow my dentist's copy of "The Big Book of British Smiles."
Simpsons Continuity is not real life continuity.

Ray R.

11-09-2006, 11:49 AM

Lukewarm vodka tastes vile.

Yes. Yes, this is very, very true. I've had many Russians insult my manhood for this silly reason, when they could used so many others.

Vodka is best when it's ice-cold. Vodka is thicker than water, so when you shake it, it doesn't mix that well, so when you pour, you should get mostly vodka and a very thin layer of water on top. Pour in some dry vermouth, swirl it and then dump it, and a couple of olives and you've got a martini. And you never, ever go with the Aristocrat rail vodka. Vodka's like any other decent liquor, you're better going top-shelf. I'm partial to Grey Goose, good import Stoli and Absolut....

So, Bond is right, he just better specifically ask for a good brand. There's a product placement for you, if you haven't already.

As to the missive, well, this guy is trying to come off as a populist class-basher. It's been done, but much better, since Victorian times, pal.

We over here on the other side of the pond see Bond as quintessentially British probably as much as you see the cast of Lethal Weapon and Die Hard (or the Simpsons) as quintessentially American. It's escapist fantasy with a geopolitical spin, nothing more, nothing less.

Ray R.

11-09-2006, 11:59 AM

Dear Aaron Sorkin-
Only lame-os who want to prove that they're cooler than Bond bitch about the way he drinks his Martinis. As long as a man is drinking two hard liquors, he can order it however he wants. Ask howyadoin and/or PLAYBOY circa 1960.

And there's no ice in a vodka martini, Mister Fake President.

sincerely,

Kid Omega

*Claps*

Watching Aaron Sorkin is like having to stand too close in line to a bunch of pretentious yuppies mindlessly droning on while waiting to use the ATM.

I watched one episode of the execrable "Studio 60" or whatever the hell it's called and wanted to punch myself for having watched it.

You're not that witty and urbane, Aaron. I know everyone tells you that you are, but you're not. Trust me.

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 02:05 PM

So, Bond is right, he just better specifically ask for a good brand. There's a product placement for you, if you haven't already.

IIRC, Bond is a Stolichnaya fan.

He also, famously, likse Dom Perignon after a good rutting.

TheTen-EyedMan

11-09-2006, 02:34 PM

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 02:39 PM

I don't want to be Captain Bringdown but the whole point of James Bond is that he's a mysognist. He's got rage issues about being abandoned by his mother, who was killed along with his father by an avalanche when he was kid. He feels resentment towards women and abandons them in retaliation and never learnt how to treat them beause he lost his father.

That's hardly "the whole point" of James Bond. It's an element of his character, and that's about it. I think your pshychological profile might be a hair off as well... "Rage issues"? None of that works with the intense depression he went through after the death of his wife.

Valmore

11-09-2006, 03:20 PM

Simpsons Continuity is not real life continuity.

Next you're going to tell me Bob Barker can't beat up Adam Sandler.

Would you stop ruining my view of the world, huh?

Sanagi

11-09-2006, 03:44 PM

Huh, I thought all British people were like Eddie Izzard.

Charles RB

11-09-2006, 03:44 PM

One of them is diss James Bond

Bond's a twat.

TheTen-EyedMan

11-09-2006, 03:49 PM

That's hardly "the whole point" of James Bond. It's an element of his character, and that's about it. I think your pshychological profile might be a hair off as well... "Rage issues"? None of that works with the intense depression he went through after the death of his wife.

Kid...that was more abandonment. You look at his mental decline after that...I loved another woman and she left me...that would mess anyone up.

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 05:02 PM

Kid...that was more abandonment. You look at his mental decline after that...I loved another woman and she left me...that would mess anyone up.

I agree. That's why I brought it up....

TheTen-EyedMan

11-09-2006, 05:04 PM

I agree. That's why I brought it up....

Sorry...I'm jetlagged.

Kid Omega

11-09-2006, 05:06 PM

Bond's a twat.

Bond gets laid a lot, looks great, is smart and capable, and spends his days protecting Britain.

(Ian Fleming had a life very similar, as a young man. Very interesting character.)

I like Bond. I am a Bond fan.

He is not a twat.

Solaris

11-09-2006, 05:15 PM

Bond drinks vodka martinis, which are meant to be shaken, not stirred. The reason one shakes a vodka martini is to ensure the vodka is cold. Lukewarm vodka tastes vile. The reason one never shakes a gin martini is that shaking bruises the gin. Although, personally, I could never tell the difference between "bruised" and "unbruised" gin, even after vigorous field testing.

Yes. A shaken martini doesn't *have* any ice in it (yuk!)---the drink is in one container, surrounded by ice in a second container.

And I hate to argue with Fenris, but it's vodka martini all the way, and yes, shaken, not stirred. Though don't make it with Grey Goose---I know it's supposed to be a premium vodka, but to me it tastes like they added a pint of olive oil to the bottle. I actually prefer Smirnoff, cheaper though it be. :D

And yes, warm Vodka is very vile. Ick.

Solaris

11-09-2006, 05:16 PM

Huh, I thought all British people were like Eddie Izzard.

*falls over laughing*

You just made my night. Ciao! :D

Charles RB

11-09-2006, 08:50 PM

He is not a twat.

He is - dumb bugger is meant to be a spy for MI6 and yet keeps acting really publically & mentioning his name all the time. Either he's a massive diversionary tactic while the real spies are sent in, or he's got incriminating photos of the M's.

MI6 should replace him with Dangermouse. He can't do a worse job and it'd be good for a laugh.

Paradox

11-09-2006, 08:51 PM

Valmore is sad:

Next you're going to tell me Bob Barker can't beat up Adam Sandler.

Would you stop ruining my view of the world, huh?

I dunno, I think Bob still might be able to take Sandler. Adam seems kind of a puss and you really don't want to mess with a lot of old guys who grew up in the '40s. Might have to tell Bob that Adam refuses to spay his cat, though, just to get him properly motivated. :)

howyadoin

11-09-2006, 10:26 PM

howyadoin

11-09-2006, 10:29 PM

Though don't make it with Grey Goose---I know it's supposed to be a premium vodka, but to me it tastes like they added a pint of olive oil to the bottle. I actually prefer Smirnoff, cheaper though it be.Blecch. That stuff's nasty.

But if bars are gonna serve it, they should at least not pretend it's Russian.

In other vodka news, people should try Iceberg if they can get it.

StoneGold

11-09-2006, 10:41 PM

Except the whole point of the vodka martini was some kind of British social satire thing that I think only Ian Flemming got. That the proper British drink would have been the gin martini, stirred, not shaken, so Bond goes the opposite.

The Fury

11-10-2006, 02:03 AM

Next you're going to tell me Bob Barker can't beat up Adam Sandler.

Would you stop ruining my view of the world, huh?
If i knew what that was a reference to I would crush your view of the world. But I had to jsut research who Bob Baker was so...

Keep in mind, the only other stereotype is that the men are all secretly gay.
Bond is in denial.

Fish Sauce

11-10-2006, 02:46 AM

[COLOR="Purple"]
If i knew what that was a reference to I would crush your view of the world. But I had to jsut research who Bob Baker was so...COLOR]

It's from Happy Gilmore.

The price is wrong, bitch!

PatrickG

11-10-2006, 02:54 AM

I'm not sure where he's getting that. Just because he's one of the more popular fiction exports doesn't mean that people see him as the epitome of all things british.

I mean, no one claims that Dr. Who is an example of British people at their best....

I wouldn't mind if they offered me jelly beans and wore colorful scarfs.

And having a time machine is hardly the WORST way to depict someone.

Though to be technical, The Doctor is an alien with a British accent. The Brits on Dr. Who are generally obnoxious authority figures and reasonably attractive young women.

TheTen-EyedMan

11-10-2006, 02:57 AM

He is - dumb bugger is meant to be a spy for MI6 and yet keeps acting really publically & mentioning his name all the time. Either he's a massive diversionary tactic while the real spies are sent in, or he's got incriminating photos of the M's.

MI6 should replace him with Dangermouse. He can't do a worse job and it'd be good for a laugh.

http://www.dangermouse.org/images/dm/now_look_here.gif

In my opinion, the best Bond story wasn't a good guys/bad guys story at all. It's called A Quantum of Solace from the For Your Eyes Only collection of short stories.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_of_Solace#.22Quantum_of_Solace.22

The Fury

11-10-2006, 03:26 AM

Though to be technical, The Doctor is an alien with a British accent. The Brits on Dr. Who are generally obnoxious authority figures and reasonably attractive young women.
Well, more technically he has a Timelord accent it's just oddly familiar to a Earth British one.

Sean Whitmore

11-10-2006, 03:28 AM

Well, more technically he has a Timelord accent it's just oddly familiar to a Earth British one.

Besides, lots of planets have a north.

SEAN

Kid Omega

11-10-2006, 04:23 AM

Well really, a Martini pretty much has only one liquor in it.

You know what I mean.

It's not like he's ordering a screwdriver or something.

Kid Omega

11-10-2006, 04:25 AM

I wouldn't mind if they offered me jelly beans and wore colorful scarfs.

And having a time machine is hardly the WORST way to depict someone.

Though to be technical, The Doctor is an alien with a British accent. The Brits on Dr. Who are generally obnoxious authority figures and reasonably attractive young women.

When i think of the best Britain has to offer, I think of Sarah Jane Smith.

TheTen-EyedMan

11-10-2006, 04:45 AM

When i think of the best Britain has to offer, I think of Sarah Jane Smith.

http://iaith.tapetrade.net/doctorwho/images/jo1.jpg

Jo Grant was my British gal. Minx. Pure and Simple.

Of course, no-one came close to the first Romana.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b6/Tamm01.jpg

She helped me lose my moral virginity.

Sean Whitmore

11-10-2006, 05:10 AM

Of course, no-one came close to the first Romana.

You, sir, are mad.

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/clip_image001.jpg

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/clip_image002.jpg

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/clip_image003.jpg

TheTen-EyedMan

11-10-2006, 05:16 AM

Sean...my nom de plume is the Duke of Madness so that's a redundant point.

I never liked Lalla Ward. She was always too assured of her own skills.

I like women a little on the unsure side.

As Peter Davison's Doctor said "A man is the sum of his memories. A Time Lord even more so."

Kid Omega

11-10-2006, 05:29 AM

TheTen-EyedMan

11-10-2006, 06:24 AM

I'm kinda surprised that you're not a LEELA man....

She was hot. But I like the victim type.

Oops, channelled Ted Bundy then.

Paradox

11-10-2006, 07:57 AM

Mary Tamm IS a beauty. Very Kate Beckinsale-ish. Of course, we can tell who Tom Baker's fave is. :)

Sadly, my favorite Dr. Who companion was the American one, Perpeguiliam Brown (Nicola Bryant). Here's her pic, anyway. :p

http://img186.imageshack.us/img186/1715/nocolabryant0004yg1.jpg

Kid Omega

11-10-2006, 08:19 AM

Sarah jane is my fave because a) she was from the future, and b) she was incredibly capable and smart. I also like the Romanas, but prior to Sarah Jane, the assistants always seemed either too naive, helpless, or an excuse for the Doctor to explain things (exposition buckets).

Of course, Jamie was pretty cool. he and Troughton crack me up.

Typo Lad

11-10-2006, 08:27 AM

I've never got into Dr. Who. I'm starting to think I should give it a whirl,

HomerJay

11-10-2006, 08:44 AM

When i think of the best Britain has to offer, I think of Sarah Jane Smith.
Pffft.

Keeley Hazel
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/220KeeleyHazell_111386.jpg

Michelle Marsh
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/lgfp1426.jpg

Sophie Howard
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/naamloos.jpg

And my favorite...

Lucy Pinder
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/0e97b2d976deca0d587afe2ae9fd0c3f371.jpg

SOGG

11-10-2006, 09:12 AM

http://www.dangermouse.org/images/dm/now_look_here.gif

In my opinion, the best Bond story wasn't a good guys/bad guys story at all. It's called A Quantum of Solace from the For Your Eyes Only collection of short stories.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_of_Solace#.22Quantum_of_Solace.22

That's pretty good.... and not at all what I'd expect from a bond story.

Charles RB

11-10-2006, 05:48 PM

When i think of the best Britain has to offer, I think of Sarah Jane Smith.

Nah - Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, the only man in Who to ever kill alien menaces with bullets.

You, sir, are mad.

Indeed he is - but not as mad as Tom Baker, who went and got divorced from Lalla Ward. Silly man!

howyadoin

11-10-2006, 08:06 PM

Michelle Marsh
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/lgfp1426.jpg
She looks delightfully saucy.

TheTen-EyedMan

11-10-2006, 08:16 PM

That's pretty good.... and not at all what I'd expect from a bond story.

Sums up my former marriage succinctly.

thehod

11-11-2006, 03:58 AM

So how did a article about James Bond get around to talking about hot British wome....

Oh

Nevermind. Carry on.

Fish Sauce

11-11-2006, 04:18 AM

So how did a article about James Bond get around to talking about hot British wome....

Oh

Nevermind. Carry on.

Yep, I was thinking that it was a strange topic to end up on too. Then I realised who we were talking about to start with.

It was an odd train of thought to get there, though, I'll say.

TheTen-EyedMan

11-11-2006, 04:54 AM

http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f26/karousel999/kknightley.jpg

A reason not to hate the English.

Valmore

11-11-2006, 05:27 AM

I dunno, I think Bob still might be able to take Sandler. Adam seems kind of a puss and you really don't want to mess with a lot of old guys who grew up in the '40s. Might have to tell Bob that Adam refuses to spay his cat, though, just to get him properly motivated. :)

DAMNIT!

Next you're going to tell me that Old Yeller didn't wrestle the gun away and escaped and did, in fact, get shot to death.

CRUEL WORLD!

Paradox

11-11-2006, 05:27 AM

:eek: :eek: :eek:

Ten-eyed chose a gorgeous woman with NO CHEST?????

ARMAGEDDON!!!!

TheTen-EyedMan

11-11-2006, 05:35 AM

:eek: :eek: :eek:

Ten-eyed chose a gorgeous woman with NO CHEST?????

ARMAGEDDON!!!!

Para...it's not always about the boobies.

Jessica has the blouse rabbits, Kiera has blouse bumblebee bats.

http://www.kiermeet.com/Kiermeet/Images/Filippinerne/wldlfe_tarsier_bohol.jpg

WASSSUP!!!!!

Titan76

11-11-2006, 08:19 AM

Pffft.

Keeley Hazel
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/220KeeleyHazell_111386.jpg

Lucy Pinder
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/HomerJay64/0e97b2d976deca0d587afe2ae9fd0c3f371.jpg
Dear GOD!!:eek: Those better be real!

TheTen-EyedMan

11-11-2006, 09:27 AM

Dear GOD!!:eek: Those better be real!

Dow Cornings finest Tit.

Ooh, an accidental double funny.