Paroxysm
10-11-2006, 10:47 PM
Legolas vs. An Oliphant, "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" (2003)
"What about side by side with a friend?"
I'm still not sure how Legolas got through three, three-hour movies filled with constant impending doom without ever mussing his hairdo. But he does, and his shining moment comes in "The Return of the King," unless you're the type of person who considers skateboarding down a flight of steps on a shield to be a shining moment.
Aragorn is always doing that same mannerism where he opens his mouth really wide, brings his sword back as far as it will go, and brings it crashing across. He does it when he's cutting the crust off of bread. And then ghost pirates from beyond swoop in and give him mustard, or whatever. Frodo and Sam are bumbling gaily across rocksides and Gimil only shows up to make a short joke and fall over. So it's Legolas' job to thin out the enemy ranks by standing on something and shooting arrows at people from six miles away so that when they finally show up it's just some guys in cake makeup going "roar" and collapsing. Yeah, I'm starting to remember The Lord of the Rings as more of a Benny Hill skit than it was.
To the uninitiated (cool people), an Oliphant is a creature created completely unlike an elephant in all ways from the mind of good ol' J.R.R. Tolkein. The Oliphant walks onto screen with about, oh, a dozen or so guys riding. Legolas runs up to this giant, fuck-off beast and uses his bow and arrows to scale it, kill everyone riding, slide down onto its head and murder death kill it with an arrowhead to the skull. HE KILLS AN AT-AT WALKER ELEPHANT AND EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH A BOW AND ARROW. IN LIKE 20 SECONDS.
Orlando Bloom can be seen this Fall in Cameron Crowe's "Elizabethtown." The Oliphant can be seen regularly on HBO's "Deadwood."
Frank Dux vs. Chong Li, "Bloodsport" (1988)
"SAY IT~! SAYYYYYYYYYYIT!"
When I was nine years old I already wanted to see Jean Claude Van Damme slow-motion jumping spin-kick anything that moved. Old ladies, lawnmowers, the air. When I didn't understand anything about honor, history, or technique I thought JVD was the coolest human being on the planet. Oh the Berlin Wall came down that's nice LOOK HE'S DOING A SPLIT BETWEEN TWO CHAIRS.
On top of that, the first time I watched Bloodsport I was sitting in my living room floor eating Spaghetti-Os with my Dad. Chong Li (played by adolescent mens tie Bolo Yeung) spends the whole movie decimating people. You'll get an antsy forgettable guy in blue hammer pants throwing roundhouses and Chong Li just steps in and palm strikes his face into Hell. He starts smirking and clapping for himself and I'm loving it. And then out of nowhere he's fighting a guy and KRACKOW he's kicked the guy's leg in half. Bone and cartilage all sticking out. And I'm nine and eating spaghetti. I almost barfed until I died.
Chong Li is unstoppable and Jean Claude is the only man who can stop him. Chong Li even beat Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds' ass! Now my favorite person on the planet is going to slow-motion jumping spin-kick him repeatedly (and on the replay) until my lunch is avenged. The fight has blood, wistful flashbacks, throwing salt in the eyes, fighting while blind, and Van Damage's crazy Brazilian monkey eyes. SAY ITTTTTTTTTTT *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare*
The Game of Death" was supposed to be Bruce Lee's crowning career achievement, but he didn't live long enough to see it finished. He wanted to show gratitude to his former students and instructors by including them in the film. Dan Inosanto was his Filipino-style opponent. Taky Kimura was to have been his praying mantis opponent but was unable to attend. Kenta Kobashi was supposed to be his strong style opponent and Carson would cover his personal style. Basketball star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar would (seriously) be his unknown style opponent.
BECAUSE HE WAS KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR. What's his style supposed to be, the fucking hook shot? Is he going to elbow Bill Walton in the armpit and make him fall on Lee? But here he was, the ultimate little cap on Bruce Lee's pointed example of how to adapt. That's what Jeet Kune Do was all about, being relaxed like a babbling stream or beating down hard, like a waterfall. And I guess when Kareem leaves a footprint the size of Maryland on your chest it's about putting that water in buckets and beating him in the face with it.
This fight specifically isn't remarkable unless you take into consideration the fights that go along with it. Lee's ability to take on any situation with grace and respect was one of the things that made him such an undeniable legend. He shows up a few more times so I won't dwell here, but yeah, I made sure to include the picture so you people who don't watch movies made before 1994 can recognize where the Bride got her House of Blue Leaves motorcycle jumpsuit.
Or where Kawada gets his Hustle ring clothes
Yu Shu Lien vs. Jen Yu, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" (2000)
"Without Green Destiny, you are nothing!"
When I was compiling my initial list of candidates for the list, my girlfriend suggested, "Why not more girlfights?" What am I supposed to put on here? Joan Collins falling into a swimming pool? Lindsay Lohan and Rachael McAdams fighting in "Mean Girls?" If I worked for E! Entertainment Television and was compiling a list of the 50 Sexiest Sexy Sexes that Ever Sexed Out of Control I'd put Lindsay Lohan on the list, but since I've got enough artistic integrity to not go to bed wanting to eat off my own face I decided against it.
Michelle Yeoh most definitely deserves to be represented on the list for just about everything she's been in that Pierce Brosnan wasn't. Zhang Ziyi deserves a spot on the list in case she ever gets into Internet journalism and is looking for a man who appreciates her. "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is full of the overly-dramatic cello wire-fu that sometimes get a bad rap, obsessed more with visuals and textures than realism and action. It's true. Crouching Tiger has people fighting on swaying tree branches and Chow Yun Fat standing sternly so we don't start asking him about his kung-fu. This fight has some Jack Evans-like unnecessary backflipping but between weapon switches adds the severity and emotion you expect from two aggressive women going at it. They switch off between swords, axes, and karate bazookas but the true fight is in their eyes. It's intense before they ever start swinging. They ain't even gotta touch or nothin'. It ain't like I like chick on chick a somethin!
As a personal message to Ziyi Zhang, my interests include long walks on the beach, puppies, and women who can make their leg stick straight up in the air.
Dragon vs. Colt, "Way of the Dragon" (1972)
"Movement number 4: Dragon seeks path. Hi-yah!"
Chuck Norris has the upper hand. He's big, young, and strong. He has Bruce beat. Chuck Norris, the man who we most often find thrust kicking the Deadly Foes of Jonathan Brandis through a windshield, has Bruce Lee (who only would lose to Batman or Captain America, remember) DEFEATED. Down and out. Unfortunately he was still a few years away from making FIREWALKER so he doesn't act fast enough, and that gives Bruce the opportunity to do what, class?
Adapt. From static to flowing. From attacking to counter-striking. Moving in and out. Lee sets him up, destroys his limbs, and finally, because he has no choice and Chuck Norris is a whole hell of a lot harder to beat up than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (and possibly even Bill Walton), guillotines Colt right out of his 45's and wins the fight. Then he pays respect to his fallen opponent. Because he is Bruce Lee and was too damn great to stay on this Earth for too long.
This was one of the (if not THE) last movies to be filmed at the actual Roman Coliseum, so Colt and Dragon duking it out in the very literal gladiatorial sense is a big deal. Bruce Lee would go on to be the most important martial arts legend and icon of modern times. Chuck Norris would go on to be the guy who gave the thumbs up to the Average Joes in "Dodgeball."
"What about side by side with a friend?"
I'm still not sure how Legolas got through three, three-hour movies filled with constant impending doom without ever mussing his hairdo. But he does, and his shining moment comes in "The Return of the King," unless you're the type of person who considers skateboarding down a flight of steps on a shield to be a shining moment.
Aragorn is always doing that same mannerism where he opens his mouth really wide, brings his sword back as far as it will go, and brings it crashing across. He does it when he's cutting the crust off of bread. And then ghost pirates from beyond swoop in and give him mustard, or whatever. Frodo and Sam are bumbling gaily across rocksides and Gimil only shows up to make a short joke and fall over. So it's Legolas' job to thin out the enemy ranks by standing on something and shooting arrows at people from six miles away so that when they finally show up it's just some guys in cake makeup going "roar" and collapsing. Yeah, I'm starting to remember The Lord of the Rings as more of a Benny Hill skit than it was.
To the uninitiated (cool people), an Oliphant is a creature created completely unlike an elephant in all ways from the mind of good ol' J.R.R. Tolkein. The Oliphant walks onto screen with about, oh, a dozen or so guys riding. Legolas runs up to this giant, fuck-off beast and uses his bow and arrows to scale it, kill everyone riding, slide down onto its head and murder death kill it with an arrowhead to the skull. HE KILLS AN AT-AT WALKER ELEPHANT AND EVERYONE ON BOARD WITH A BOW AND ARROW. IN LIKE 20 SECONDS.
Orlando Bloom can be seen this Fall in Cameron Crowe's "Elizabethtown." The Oliphant can be seen regularly on HBO's "Deadwood."
Frank Dux vs. Chong Li, "Bloodsport" (1988)
"SAY IT~! SAYYYYYYYYYYIT!"
When I was nine years old I already wanted to see Jean Claude Van Damme slow-motion jumping spin-kick anything that moved. Old ladies, lawnmowers, the air. When I didn't understand anything about honor, history, or technique I thought JVD was the coolest human being on the planet. Oh the Berlin Wall came down that's nice LOOK HE'S DOING A SPLIT BETWEEN TWO CHAIRS.
On top of that, the first time I watched Bloodsport I was sitting in my living room floor eating Spaghetti-Os with my Dad. Chong Li (played by adolescent mens tie Bolo Yeung) spends the whole movie decimating people. You'll get an antsy forgettable guy in blue hammer pants throwing roundhouses and Chong Li just steps in and palm strikes his face into Hell. He starts smirking and clapping for himself and I'm loving it. And then out of nowhere he's fighting a guy and KRACKOW he's kicked the guy's leg in half. Bone and cartilage all sticking out. And I'm nine and eating spaghetti. I almost barfed until I died.
Chong Li is unstoppable and Jean Claude is the only man who can stop him. Chong Li even beat Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds' ass! Now my favorite person on the planet is going to slow-motion jumping spin-kick him repeatedly (and on the replay) until my lunch is avenged. The fight has blood, wistful flashbacks, throwing salt in the eyes, fighting while blind, and Van Damage's crazy Brazilian monkey eyes. SAY ITTTTTTTTTTT *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare*
The Game of Death" was supposed to be Bruce Lee's crowning career achievement, but he didn't live long enough to see it finished. He wanted to show gratitude to his former students and instructors by including them in the film. Dan Inosanto was his Filipino-style opponent. Taky Kimura was to have been his praying mantis opponent but was unable to attend. Kenta Kobashi was supposed to be his strong style opponent and Carson would cover his personal style. Basketball star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar would (seriously) be his unknown style opponent.
BECAUSE HE WAS KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR. What's his style supposed to be, the fucking hook shot? Is he going to elbow Bill Walton in the armpit and make him fall on Lee? But here he was, the ultimate little cap on Bruce Lee's pointed example of how to adapt. That's what Jeet Kune Do was all about, being relaxed like a babbling stream or beating down hard, like a waterfall. And I guess when Kareem leaves a footprint the size of Maryland on your chest it's about putting that water in buckets and beating him in the face with it.
This fight specifically isn't remarkable unless you take into consideration the fights that go along with it. Lee's ability to take on any situation with grace and respect was one of the things that made him such an undeniable legend. He shows up a few more times so I won't dwell here, but yeah, I made sure to include the picture so you people who don't watch movies made before 1994 can recognize where the Bride got her House of Blue Leaves motorcycle jumpsuit.
Or where Kawada gets his Hustle ring clothes
Yu Shu Lien vs. Jen Yu, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" (2000)
"Without Green Destiny, you are nothing!"
When I was compiling my initial list of candidates for the list, my girlfriend suggested, "Why not more girlfights?" What am I supposed to put on here? Joan Collins falling into a swimming pool? Lindsay Lohan and Rachael McAdams fighting in "Mean Girls?" If I worked for E! Entertainment Television and was compiling a list of the 50 Sexiest Sexy Sexes that Ever Sexed Out of Control I'd put Lindsay Lohan on the list, but since I've got enough artistic integrity to not go to bed wanting to eat off my own face I decided against it.
Michelle Yeoh most definitely deserves to be represented on the list for just about everything she's been in that Pierce Brosnan wasn't. Zhang Ziyi deserves a spot on the list in case she ever gets into Internet journalism and is looking for a man who appreciates her. "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is full of the overly-dramatic cello wire-fu that sometimes get a bad rap, obsessed more with visuals and textures than realism and action. It's true. Crouching Tiger has people fighting on swaying tree branches and Chow Yun Fat standing sternly so we don't start asking him about his kung-fu. This fight has some Jack Evans-like unnecessary backflipping but between weapon switches adds the severity and emotion you expect from two aggressive women going at it. They switch off between swords, axes, and karate bazookas but the true fight is in their eyes. It's intense before they ever start swinging. They ain't even gotta touch or nothin'. It ain't like I like chick on chick a somethin!
As a personal message to Ziyi Zhang, my interests include long walks on the beach, puppies, and women who can make their leg stick straight up in the air.
Dragon vs. Colt, "Way of the Dragon" (1972)
"Movement number 4: Dragon seeks path. Hi-yah!"
Chuck Norris has the upper hand. He's big, young, and strong. He has Bruce beat. Chuck Norris, the man who we most often find thrust kicking the Deadly Foes of Jonathan Brandis through a windshield, has Bruce Lee (who only would lose to Batman or Captain America, remember) DEFEATED. Down and out. Unfortunately he was still a few years away from making FIREWALKER so he doesn't act fast enough, and that gives Bruce the opportunity to do what, class?
Adapt. From static to flowing. From attacking to counter-striking. Moving in and out. Lee sets him up, destroys his limbs, and finally, because he has no choice and Chuck Norris is a whole hell of a lot harder to beat up than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (and possibly even Bill Walton), guillotines Colt right out of his 45's and wins the fight. Then he pays respect to his fallen opponent. Because he is Bruce Lee and was too damn great to stay on this Earth for too long.
This was one of the (if not THE) last movies to be filmed at the actual Roman Coliseum, so Colt and Dragon duking it out in the very literal gladiatorial sense is a big deal. Bruce Lee would go on to be the most important martial arts legend and icon of modern times. Chuck Norris would go on to be the guy who gave the thumbs up to the Average Joes in "Dodgeball."