Ain't no thang,...chicken wing.

[Nikita]

This is long and rambling, so bare with me. (don't skim, you weenies!) ;) teasing...

Part I

This is a post directed at a specific group of people on here. (the girls) And yes, it is me being a big whiney baby. If that annoys you, then don't continue reading and move on to other threads - OR - read this and add your two cents - OR - read this and don't add your two cents and move on to other threads - OR - PM me in private and add your two cents.

Or, just reply or PM me and tell me what a whiney baby I'm being. :D But please don't get mad and post something pissy to me. This thread is not meant to piss you off. It's just something I've been meaning to share for a while now. This has been bothering me more and more and I know I shouldn't let it, but it does. (My depression has been icky this week so when the depression is worse, I get all whiney and insecure and that leads to threads like this because I have too much time on my hands)

I know I can come accross as miss hardass on here sometimes, but honestly, I've always had insecurity issues. I DO want people to like me and even though I shouldn't care if certain members on here ignore me, I do care. Especially the female members on here. It just pushes that old insecurity button in me from childhood, because even though I can seem like some badass on here sometimes when I'm arguing about abortion or talking about porn, in reality, I tend to be a "people-pleaser". I'm the person at work who bends over backwards for my boss, or the person who always lets a car in front of me even if it was my turn to go, or the person who apologizes to someone at the grocery store even if they were the ones who accidently bumped into me first.

It used to make me more submissive because I was so afraid of confrontation and upsetting/offending/pissing people off. Maybe it's related to my dad and his temper. When he would get home, my mother would have to walk around on eggshells so that he wouldn't blow up at her about stuff and end up hitting her. So, I guess I ended up growing up learning to avoid confrontations at all costs. That is....until I found message boards. Message boards allowed me to be an asshole where I never had before because I always try to be "so nice" to people in person. (Because I like to be nice to people. That's just me) But I guess message boards allowed me for the first time, to feel the freedom to be more assertive with folks and not be so afraid of what they thought of me. (because if they lived five states away, what did I care if they thought I was an asshole for some arguement we got into right?)

Anyway, I love that freedom, but even so, I still try to "be nice" to people I meet on message boards for the most part because even though I can get away with being an asshole on here sometimes, I still want message board folks to like me even if we disagree on things. I realize not everyone is going to like me, but it's specific members on here that ignore me completely, that bothers me...

...because they are women. It bothers me more when female posters ignore me then men because I wonder if me "trying to be one of the boys" on here, is what's turned them off. Is it because I talk about sex so much, or have women with big boobs as my avatars? Is it something else I said in a past thread that annoyed them? There are certain female members on here who ignore me completely, no matter what I post or even if I PM them privately and I can't figure out why. Did I offend you with something I said in the past? Am I too "sexist" for the female posters on here? Am I too much like "one of the guys" on here so that's why I get avoided more by some of the girls?

And then there are female posters who used to interact with me who now avoid me like the plague. (there are only like a couple female posters who still interact with me on a regular basis on here) I guess it bothers me because I don't have any close female friends in the real world. (except for my best friend from highscool) I have female work friends but we don't hang out after work because most of the women I meet, are straight and have girlie interests and I'm bi and have a lot of boy interests so we just don't click outside of work. (and honestly, none of them know I'm bi because that's risky to reveal to a female coworker so I keep it to myself)

The thing is, I've always considered myself a feminist and I support women...always. So I guess that's why I'm kind of bummed out that certain female members on here ignore me completely because I wonder if it's related to the fact that I have "guy views" on things sometimes. Because that's just the way my brain is. I also enjoy flirting with male members on here and I wonder if that annoys some of the female members. Because it makes me seem like I'm just trying to please the men on here and therefore, I'm a "traitor" to the girls on here who are tired of all the flirting, or talk about porn, or avatars with boobs, etc. (Personally, I have nothing but great respect for the girls on here and I love seeing their posts) But, maybe some of the girls are tired of seeing me join the sexual atmosphere on here sometimes when they think I should be above that since I'm a girl. I should be more "classy" instead of "raunchy". The last thing they need is a girl trying to be "one of the boys" on here too. I have no idea if this is the case. But it's all I can think of so I'm throwing it out there. (unless it is something else about me that annoys you)

[Nikita]

Part II

It feels more and more like many female members don't want anything to do with me. But I've experienced this in my real life too. It has been very hard for me to find close female friends in the real world because of my "boy interests" and the fact that when I hang out with a straight woman, I feel like I have to keep a part of myself secret all the time. (as far as the bisexual stuff) I can't just be myself. I tend to click better with guys in the real world and on the Internet because we share the same interests. And I also don't want to make female friends uncomfortable because of my sexuality or my "raunchy" sense of humor.

I know some of the female members on here complained about it being a "boy's club" on here sometimes in a thread that was started several weeks ago. But to me personally, I've always felt that many of the female members on here have their own little "clique" and I just don't fit in. I was much more intimidated by some of the female members on here when I first joined then any of the guys. Actually, I've felt that way on every message board I've ever been on. I've found that women are much less open to new female members, and it always feels like you have to work harder to win them over. It always feels like you have to "prove" yourself with other women because if you don't, you're just not worthy. (I guess I know what it's like to be a guy sometimes since I get rejected by women so much)

But with guys, it's always different. They welcome me right away, whether it's on the internet or in the real world. Guys are just friendlier, but it always feels like a struggle to try and get closer to women. At least for me anyway. I was even told by a female member on another message board that one of the reasons she was always so cold to me, even though I did nothing but kiss her ass, was because she was jealous of me when I joined. That kind of shocked me because I thought we girls stuck together. Apparently not. I've never been that way with other women. I'm more like a guy in that I welcome women no matter what. But man, do women give me the cold shoulder if they don't "approve" of me.

It's made me realize more and more that women are much harder on each other, then a man would ever be. I see it all the time at work. The women I've met over the years can be so petty, catty, two-faced, etc. (I am NOT saying any female members on here are like that. I'm just saying some women in general) I guess I always feel like an outsider with most women. I just feel like I'll never fit in and it has made me horribly lonely over the years because I miss having close female friends. I always click with guys better but it's hard to be "just friends" with a guy sometimes. I would like to meet some of the female members on here in person one day if I ever make it to SDCC. But a part of me feels like they really want nothing to do with me.

Anyway, all I can say is, I feel the same chill on here from certain female members that I do in my real life and I can't figure out why. If I said something that offended you, or pissed you off, or I annoy you because I have boobie avatars and I like to talk about porn, then all I can do is apologize. But I can't stop being me. And I don't like to feel guilty or ashamed of who I am but I feel that way around female posters on here sometimes. Like I should know better and shame on me for trying to be "one of the guys". It's ironic, that it's women, who make me feel this way, and not men. Men can be assholes, but at least they are upfront about it. Women tend to be so passive agressive which really bugs me.

No one has said anything to me specifically by the way. It's just the way I'm ignored in certain areas, or certain things that women have posted on here that makes me feel like I just don't fit in with some of the girls very well. I know I posted a few weeks back that it doesn't bother me, but I guess it does. Because I notice a specific difference between the way the men and the women treat me on message boards and in everyday life. I've realized that women expect other women to be a certain way; much more so then men. I feel much more pressure to fit in with other women then I ever have with men. You have to act a certain way around most women because if you rub them the wrong way, forget about it. (again, not all, but many)

I guess what I've realized is that it's always going to be harder for me to get to closer to women no matter what environment it's in. (I'm not talking about dating. That's different) The only women who continue to interact with me on here are the ones who seem to be a little more like me. (in certain areas, not all. For example, they are the ones who post in the porn threads as much as I do) But the rest, they pretty much ignore me most or all of the time and I honestly don't know why. So, I guess I've been wondering if it's because of the "sexist" stuff I post sometimes. Maybe I make certain female posters uncomfortable like some of them claimed certain male posters do. I hope that's not the case because I don't want that. If I have, then I haven't meant to. I guess I'll just never fit in with women completely because most women aren't like me. I'm kind of a weirdo. But the last thing I want to do is scare potential female friends away just because I'm a bit of a pervert. But maybe that's the problem.

You don't have to reply to this or PM me, or whatever. It's just something that's been bothering me since I joined two years ago and it's something that's been an issue in my real life as well. I left a message board I used to go on all the time because one of the female members on there was an ice queen to me all the time even though I was always sweet as pie to her. Anyway, just rambling. Thanks for listening.

[darkkeeperjr]

Nicely rambled. Love it when people speak their mind and hopefully feel better for it.

[Nikita]

Nicely rambled. Love it when people speak their mind and hopefully feel better for it.

Thankyou. I haven't started a longwinded self absorbed thread about myself in a while so I was about due. :o

[Xero Kaiser]

That was long





Yeah, I've got nothing else to add

[howyadoin]

My thoughts? Not actually dealing with your orientation is making you paranoid about it.

[Davideaux]

Clearly this is a 'thang'... just come out with your complaints. Hiding it with this subject line is not really going to help you address it. Good luck.

[Puma]

maybe not posting this in italics and a small font...some of us have vision problems.

[Gilda Dent]

I noticed the "boys' club" reference, thought that that sounds a lot like me, and did a search, and there it was. It was me.

For what it's worth, I've never had a problem with you or your posting style. I'm not one to object to boobs in avatars (I did win the T & A avatar contest), flirting (I had more than 500 posts in the YABS lesbian flirt thread) or porn. If we haven't interacted much, it's because we don't tend to show up in the same threads very often. I have no idea if I'm one of those you're referring to, but I strongly suspect not, as I really can't see anybody being concerned about connecting to me.

I see your point, and do understand what you're saying. The desire to connect to others like us is a very powerful one. It's what drives people with common interests to flock to subject specific message boards and chat rooms, to form clubs and cliques. It can be a very lonely thing to feel left out. You're very clear and articulate in how you've expressed your frustration here, unlike a certain poster of late with a habit of running around and complaining how everyone picks on him and accusing people of being in snobbish cliques.

For what it's worth, I think you're pretty cool.

Gilda

[Puma]

I noticed the "boys' club" reference, thought that that sounds a lot like me, and did a search, and there it was. It was me.


Gilda

could've been me though. I've mentioned the boys club and the boob thing in Rita's more than a few times.

If Nikita and I haven't communicated I'd say its probably because I tend to not post at night, when she does, and if the subject is boobs or flirting I tend to not participate as it is not my thing.

[Gilda Dent]

[COLOR="Sienna"]could've been me though. I've mentioned the boys club and the boob thing in Rita's more than a few times.

Ah. Can we share credit then? Or blame, whichever works better?

Gilda

[Puma]

Ah. Can we share credit then? Or blame, whichever works better?

Gilda

both work for me *grin*

[Jack Zodiac]

It has been very hard for me to find close female friends in the real world because of my "boy interests" and the fact that when I hang out with a straight woman, I feel like I have to keep a part of myself secret all the time. (as far as the bisexual stuff) I can't just be myself.

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Lesbian, straight, bisexual, interested in household appliances or animals- whatever, when you can't be yourself around other people, stuff like... well, stuff like this happens. You get kinda' paranoid about what you think others think of you, and whether or not you should act differently around them. Just be yourself and fuck 'em if they don't like it.

[Rachel Grey]

Heya, Nik!

Hey, just wanted to mention that if I'm one of the girls who hasn't interacted much with you lately it's just 'cause we're on different threads. We're still cool :)

And yeah, agreeing with the whole "just be yourself, fuck anyone who doesn't like it" advice ;)

[Forefinger]

I like ya Nikita. No...wait...that doesn't count eh?

[MaryJewell]

*applauds*

Don't mind me, I just lurk mostly, but I thought I would put my two cents worth in (and Royal will vouch for me as a real person.....wait, I think I haven't paid my dues to him this month yet....)

[metr0man]

I read only a few paragraphs, probably before I even got to the point, and decided to make a snap judgement:

I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others.

Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.

Also, I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other.

[Jack Zodiac]

Also, I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other.

"Now that's psychiatry!"

[Stellar]

Okay, so here's my two cents.

first off, how old are you? no, i don't mean that as an insult, i've just had experiences with several people in such situations and the approach depends on the age.

first off, the 'you want people on message boards to like you' thing. i think you're relying too much on the internet. outside of our usernames and our oppinions, we know nothing about each other, hardly what i would call a foundation for good friendships. perhaps some people here are online friends, we had a thread about that a while back, but again, it seems the internet is too much of a priority in your social life. try not to be so dependent on it and get in more in touch with the world outside.

second, and pardon me for being so frank, the cause of your insecurities is rather interesting. the fact that your mother was very submissive to your father gave you the idea that that's how things are. it's pretty much stuck in there.
but eventually, you're going to have to learn to step up for yourself. i mean, where do you see yourself in 2, 3, 4 years? still bending over for your boss and giving people brakes in traffic? eventhough you're already late? for that job with the boss you bend over? i'll get back to this at the end of this post.

we've all dealt with depression at some point in our lives, some more than others, some seemingly not at all. the keyword in that being seemingly.
what i've discovered in my 23 years on this planet, by studying myself and others around me, is that it all comes down to this:

When it comes to depression, you got two choices. you can either let it consume you and let life pass you by, or get up and fix it.

[phoenixrising]

Nikita, your very presence on here offends me. Offends my abilities to see you as any less than awesome, that is.

I understand what you mean about fitting in on the boards (this one in particular) as a female. I've called this place a big boys club (as about everybody knows by now) and I too have felt excluded by a great deal of other women here for that any many, many other things I've said. And I've pretty much just decided it wasn't worth getting upset about anymore. I've got a few good friends here - so fuck everybody else.

And you! You have tons of friends here! Anybody doesn't like you, well, you don't need them. You have plenty of people here who love you (whether you realize it or not) and they matter more than the petty bullshit we girls tend to subscribe to.

[Alex]

Nikita, your very presence on here offends me. Offends my abilities to see you as any less than awesome, that is.

I understand what you mean about fitting in on the boards (this one in particular) as a female. I've called this place a big boys club (as about everybody knows by now) and I too have felt excluded by a great deal of other women here for that any many, many other things I've said. And I've pretty much just decided it wasn't worth getting upset about anymore. I've got a few good friends here - so fuck everybody else.

And you! You have tons of friends here! Anybody doesn't like you, well, you don't need them. You have plenty of people here who love you (whether you realize it or not) and they matter more than the petty bullshit we girls tend to subscribe to.
Girls are lame yo.
Less they gets naked.
Then they 'aight.

[phoenixrising]

Girls are lame yo.
Less they gets naked.
Then they 'aight.

Bitches be crazy.

[Alex]

Bitches be crazy.
True, True.
..

[HomerJay]

I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others.

Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.

Also, I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other.
"Ned, you so crazy."

Don't sweat it, Mary.
As I've said before, we're all geeks here so our brains are already wired a bit differently than the general populace anyway. This is easily the most tolerant group of people I've ever conversed with, and I've noticed that anyone displaying intolerance usually gets run out of town. "Streams Of Consciousness" posts like yours are part of what makes this board great. You can open up your brain and not only does anyone ridicule you for it, but they offer encouragement.

You're a very cool person and I can't wait to hang with you again.

I too am a breast enthusiast.

[Arrjay]

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Lesbian, straight, bisexual, interested in household appliances or animals- whatever, when you can't be yourself around other people, stuff like... well, stuff like this happens. You get kinda' paranoid about what you think others think of you, and whether or not you should act differently around them. Just be yourself and fuck 'em if they don't like it.

Agreed.

And well said Jack.

[Nikita]

Hi guys. Sorry, it took me so long to get back here. I've been sick all week. I feel really stupid about starting this thread now. That's the problem with being bipolar. I do start to get all paranoid sometimes when the depression and anxiety gets bad and then I start thinking insecure thoughts like this. Sometimes, I'm not sure how much of these insecurities is me, or my manic depressive crap.

Anyway, I know I can be an attention whore and I hope this thread didn't seem like I was "looking for attention". I wasn't. But just as I suspected, the women who never interact with me anymore, didn't post in here. I knew they'd ignore this thread as well so I guess it was stupid for me to post it. (A part of me was kind of hoping they might let me know why they avoid me like the plague on here) But I also realized, that it could be just as simple as they are busy/have their own lives/don't want to "feed" my whiney thread/etc... and I need to just chill out about it. (because I can be a big whiney baby sometimes. I'm 32 going on 16)

(Gilda, Pho, you both are two of my favs by the way. Seriously, no worries.)

I guess I also posted this because I knew there'd be a couple of "stern" sounding posts telling me to deal with things. And honestly, sometimes, I kind of need that. There are parts of my personality that are very mature and other parts that are still very childish. Maybe because I've been taking care of my mom and brother for so long, I haven't had a chance to live on my own and "grow up" a little more and develope a thicker skin. I can be so overly sensitive sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for your input. I always appreciate it even if I do annoy some of you sometimes with my rambling longwinded threads on here sometimes.

Have a good weekend all.


Mary

[Jeff Brady]

But just as I suspected, the women who never interact with me anymore, didn't post in here. I knew they'd ignore this thread as well so I guess it was stupid for me to post it. (A part of me was kind of hoping they might let me know why they avoid me like the plague on here) But I also realized, that it could be just as simple as they are busy/have their own lives/don't want to "feed" my whiney thread/etc... and I need to just chill out about it. (because I can be a big whiney baby sometimes. I'm 32 going on 16).

If I was one of the women you were talking about, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to respond. I dunno, Mary, I wouldn't get too worked up over it. Maybe you and the others are never on at the same time? Maybe that aside from comics & gender, you just don't have much in common and can't quite identify with you. Maybe it is just like you said, they are busy or have other stuff to deal with. While no one particularly owes you anything, you don't owe them anything either. I suppose, though, if you really want an answer, just PM one or two of them. I truly doubt that anyone here could bear any resentment or malice towards you. And sure, a thicker skin wouldn't hurt anyway.

You're a great egg, Mary. If others can't/won't see that, it's their loss, you know?

[Nikita]

If I was one of the women you were talking about, I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to respond. I dunno, Mary, I wouldn't get too worked up over it. Maybe you and the others are never on at the same time? Maybe that aside from comics & gender, you just don't have much in common and can't quite identify with you. Maybe it is just like you said, they are busy or have other stuff to deal with. While no one particularly owes you anything, you don't owe them anything either. I suppose, though, if you really want an answer, just PM one or two of them. I truly doubt that anyone here could bear any resentment or malice towards you. And sure, a thicker skin wouldn't hurt anyway.

You're a great egg, Mary. If others can't/won't see that, it's their loss, you know?


Now see, this is the problem with me still not knowing some of you well enough. You're a girl? So sorry, I always thought you were male. :o (who's Jeff Brady?)

Anyway, I'm not gonna PM them. I think I've beat on this supject enough and it's time for me to just let it go and get over it. (but thanks for the kind words, and you're right, they don't owe me anything)

[Jack Zodiac]

Now see, this is the problem with me still not knowing some of you well enough. You're a girl? So sorry, I always thought you were male. :o (who's Jeff Brady?)

No, no, Jeff's a dude, I just think he was saying that if he were one of the women you were talking about, he wouldn't know how to respond.

Uh... you are a guy, right Jeff? :p


Anyway, I'm not gonna PM them. I think I've beat on this supject enough and it's time for me to just let it go and get over it. (but thanks for the kind words, and you're right, they don't owe me anything)

And yes, if not "get over it," then at least don't worry about it.

[Jeff Brady]

No, no, Jeff's a dude, I just think he was saying that if he were one of the women you were talking about, he wouldn't know how to respond.

Uh... you are a guy, right Jeff? :p

I'm not sure, let me double check.

*thud*

Oh yeah. I'm definitely a guy.

[Nikita]

No, no, Jeff's a dude, I just think he was saying that if he were one of the women you were talking about, he wouldn't know how to respond.

Uh... you are a guy, right Jeff? :p



And yes, if not "get over it," then at least don't worry about it.


Ohhhh. Ok, I misunderstood. Whew! I was confused as to why a chick would call herself Jeff Brady. LOL :D

[Nikita]

I'm not sure, let me double check.

*thud*

Oh yeah. I'm definitely a guy.



*giggle*


Cool. :D

[howyadoin]

I'm not sure, let me double check.

*thud*

Oh yeah. I'm definitely a guy.Careful. You could poke somebody's eye out.

[Jeff Brady]

Careful. You could poke somebody's eye out.

Eh, no one wants to get within range anyway.

[Jack Zodiac]

Ever think about sliding a twenty in your zipper?

[Michael P]

Hi guys. Sorry, it took me so long to get back here. I've been sick all week. I feel really stupid about starting this thread now. That's the problem with being bipolar. I do start to get all paranoid sometimes when the depression and anxiety gets bad and then I start thinking insecure thoughts like this. Sometimes, I'm not sure how much of these insecurities is me, or my manic depressive crap.

Anyway, I know I can be an attention whore and I hope this thread didn't seem like I was "looking for attention". I wasn't. But just as I suspected, the women who never interact with me anymore, didn't post in here. I knew they'd ignore this thread as well so I guess it was stupid for me to post it. (A part of me was kind of hoping they might let me know why they avoid me like the plague on here) But I also realized, that it could be just as simple as they are busy/have their own lives/don't want to "feed" my whiney thread/etc... and I need to just chill out about it. (because I can be a big whiney baby sometimes. I'm 32 going on 16)

(Gilda, Pho, you both are two of my favs by the way. Seriously, no worries.)

I guess I also posted this because I knew there'd be a couple of "stern" sounding posts telling me to deal with things. And honestly, sometimes, I kind of need that. There are parts of my personality that are very mature and other parts that are still very childish. Maybe because I've been taking care of my mom and brother for so long, I haven't had a chance to live on my own and "grow up" a little more and develope a thicker skin. I can be so overly sensitive sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for your input. I always appreciate it even if I do annoy some of you sometimes with my rambling longwinded threads on here sometimes.

Have a good weekend all.


Mary
Y'know what I say?

Death and pestilence to my enemies.

No, wait. I do say that, but it's not applicable here. What I meant was, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Hope you feel better, Mary.

[Stellar]

Hey, wait a minute....Nikita...aren't you the girl who has a thing against black people?

hmmmmm

[Nikita]

Hey, wait a minute....Nikita...aren't you the girl who has a thing against black people?

hmmmmm


Dude, I don't have a thing against black people silly. The reason I started that "Issue of Race" thread was to admit that like (many not all) white people, I have racial thoughts from time to time and I want to deal with that in a more constructive way. I've never considered myself racist but I realized that I am capable of racist thoughts sometimes and I was in denial about that. It was triggered by us possibly moving back to Georgia which has a much higher black population then Illinois and my white friends in Georgia telling me how much towns have changed, etc. I didn't want to let my "white thoughts" let me prejudge an area before I even move there. The whole point of the thread was to admit that as liberal as I thought I was, I still need to work on some of those issues and I just didn't realize it.

So, please don't put words in my mouth dude. I never said anywhere in that entire thread, that I "have a problem with black people". What I said is, I realized I did have racist thoughts from time to time even though I had never considered myself racist and I've always respected black people. I realized that even with all that, I was being a hypocrite by not admitting my own subconcious racial issues, etc, etc.


Thanks.