I don't know what to do or where to turn right now

[Clint Barton]

My wife of 20 years just had papers served on me today to dissolve our marriage. She is also filing for custody of our twin 15 year old boys.

Life's been rough on us all these past 2 years and after losing a wonderful job I suffered through a long bout of serious depression, which required hospitalization and prolonged treatment using pharmaceuticals, therapy and finally ECT.

I've since come out of the depression...to the point where I've been working for almost 1 year. My job isn't as high paying as the one I lost. Matter of fact, it's almost 50% less pay, not to mention company car and other "perks".

She's essentially "tired" she says and wants to start a new life.

The part that really is earth shattering to me and quite untrue is that in the papers she filed, she is listing that I'm "mentally unstable" and "unsuitable" to be a good father and husband.

That's simply not true, as evidenced by the previous 18 years in which I've provided well for both my sons and my wife rather well actually. I've simply done my best.

Furthermore, she's bringing in my hospitalization as "evidence" along with my therapy and such.

This is almost too much. It hurts like hell and I just needed somewhere to spill it all out....somewhere where anonymous people can make anonymous thoughts appear without much fear.

I'm scared, truth be told and I don't know quite what to do.

Thanks for listening.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

My wife of 20 years just had papers served on me today to dissolve our marriage. She is also filing for custody of our twin 15 year old boys.

Life's been rough on us all these past 2 years and after losing a wonderful job I suffered through a long bout of serious depression, which required hospitalization and prolonged treatment using pharmaceuticals, therapy and finally ECT.

I've since come out of the depression...to the point where I've been working for almost 1 year. My job isn't as high paying as the one I lost. Matter of fact, it's almost 50% less pay, not to mention company car and other "perks".

She's essentially "tired" she says and wants to start a new life.

The part that really is earth shattering to me and quite untrue is that in the papers she filed, she is listing that I'm "mentally unstable" and "unsuitable" to be a good father and husband.

That's simply not true, as evidenced by the previous 18 years in which I've provided well for both my sons and my wife rather well actually. I've simply done my best.

Furthermore, she's bringing in my hospitalization as "evidence" along with my therapy and such.

This is almost too much. It hurts like hell and I just needed somewhere to spill it all out....somewhere where anonymous people can make anonymous thoughts appear without much fear.

I'm scared, truth be told and I don't know quite what to do.

Thanks for listening.


Dude , I honestly feel for you. How she seemingly wouldn't stick by you in this time and all. But think of it this way. Instant Karma is gonna get her. Because she's leaving you at a time when you've tried and fought so hard to provide and be a good husband.

Personally if it was me and I had 2 15 yearold sons , and this will sound mean. But I'd drag it out. I'd tell your sons you could support them because at 18 they'll be able to do what they wish and see you as much as you want. But her , I'd make sure she realizes that if life is starting over she won't get any of the perks to start it " over ". ( No alimony ect ect...)

Believe in fate and that karma will reverse. Odds are in a few years she'll wish you were there . And odds are you'll have moved on and have someone who cares. That will be Instant Karma.


Good luck. Thats all I can say.

[Valmore]

Well, I'm not qualified to give you any sort of advice on the situation - legal or counseling. All I can do is say that what you're going through completely sucks. Have you suggested marriage therapy?

[Clint Barton]

At this point, it appears that marraige therapy is not in the cards, although I'd do almost anything to save this marraige.

I cannot be too vengeful as I love this woman dearly, but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind to do something "mean".....like put Preparation H in her toothpaste.

I feel like this can't be happening. It's almost as if I'm watching this occur outside of my body...if that makes sense....probably some kind of defense mechanism, I'm certain.

I don't know what to do and I'm afraid right now.....anger isn't really in the picture at this moment. I guess I'm mainly just thinking about how this is going to effect our sons as well. They are aware of her intentions and are quite angry.

[Matthew K.]

First, congrats on the resurfacing from the waters of depression. That's fantastic & now you're in a better temperment to deal with it all & have a more sound mind.
Well, I'm not qualified to give you any sort of advice on the situation - legal or counseling. All I can do is say that what you're going through completely sucks. Have you suggested marriage therapy?
Now, what you're going through sounds rough & does in fact stink. She may be giving up on a fight that's not quite over...you said she's just tired. Well, perhaps show her things can be different.

& if you're happier at you're new job (w/o paying attention to the cost factor) perhpas that's better in the long run. Doing what you love is a way to keep you young.

Marriage therapy might be a good call before anything gets finalized. Perhaps discuss things over with friends, family & what not. I would prefer sitting down with my significant other & sharing all my concerns (tell her you want to share the kids, etc.), thoughts (how do you feel about the situation? Do you want a divorce as well?), & questions about this matter with her before signing papers.

Best of luck to you in all matters & what hard decisions you may have to face, Clint.

[Jayna]

I'm truely sorry to hear about your ordeal, & I od understand where you are coming from right now. I had a similar experience four years ago, when my husband of 10 years emptied out our apartment & filed for divorce out of the blue.
I won't go into all that again here because it's been done to death, but if you need someone to talk to who's been through a similar experience please feel free to PM me.
I can tell you that it does get better with time, & that you need to trust your kids to be perceptive enough to know what the truth is.

[Super Samurai]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. If you can get her into marriage counseling that would be great but if not then really try to make the process as easy as it can for your children. I really hope the best for you.

[Nikita]

Wow, that really sucks dude. Clearly, her compassion meter is running on empty. I wonder how she would feel if she had been the one who lost her job and suffered a bad bout of depression.

Actually, this pisses me off for you. If the situation was reversed and you had filed papers on her saying you were "tired", you'd get all kinds of hell because you're a guy. She is totally taking advantage of this situation and that is not fair to you. That's a low blow man. You don't deserve this.

Get yourself a damn good lawyer.

[Iangould]

Clint,

I'm really sorry to hear this and I wish there was more I could to help.

Perhaps you could suggest to your wife a trial separation rather than a divorce?

[Spike-X]

I cannot be too vengeful as I love this woman dearly, but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind to do something "mean".....like put Preparation H in her toothpaste.


Actually, I'm pretty sure that's meant to be the other way around.

Damn, what a shitty thing to have happen.

[Punchy]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like some rough times and I wish you the best.

I just want to add that anytime you need to vent, please feel free to do it here. I've been coming to this website for six years and you'll find some of the best listeners and counselors around on this very board.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like some rough times and I wish you the best.

I just want to add that anytime you need to vent, please feel free to do it here. I've been coming to this website for six years and you'll find some of the best listeners and counselors around on this very board.


JeffreyWKramer is a good person. I recommend him since he is a Therapist or Physcolgist ( spelling ok..its late give me a break) and he's a proven pro.

[spaz]

Clint, I'm really sorry to hear that happening to you. I find that Marriage is supposed to be through good times and bad. Unfortunately your wife didn't live up to that vow. You hit a rough patch and she should have been by your side through thick and thin. Isn't sad how when financial times are bad, women can disappear or change their feelings for you? Not everything is going to be rosy all the time.

Clint I hope you can salvage your marriage through counselling or therapy. Best of luck. If you end up getting a divorce, please at least console yourself with the fact you came out of this union with 2 beautiful, healthy kids. Hope your situation turns around.

http://www.enotalone.com/

[Davideaux]

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through Clint. Stay strong and I hope your wife sees the error of her ways.

[FunkyGreenJerusalem]

Sorry to hear it dude, hang in there.


I cannot be too vengeful as I love this woman dearly, but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind to do something "mean".....like put Preparation H in her toothpaste.


Or, just put the toothpaste in her undies.
Instant discomfort, and it will take her to realise it's the underwear not her causing it.
And if you can keep a straightface, it's a pretty easy thing to deny doing.

[Dennis K]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, and if there were anything I could do to help you through it, I would. I do hope things work out for the best.

[Forefinger]

Sorry, Clint. I hope that things work out for you.

[lectatege]

I'm sorry to see this thread veering into "all women are bastards" territory however kindly meant.
Neither I nor anyone else, (maybe not even you and your wife) are in a position to know the rights or wrongs of your relationship

Fact is all relationships other than that of parent and child have a natural life span and it may be that neither of you are villains, just two people who loved each other but have now grown apart.
Hard as it may be at the moment, try and restrain yourself from any petty or spiteful actions, you will only feel ashamed of yourself later.
The priority for both of you should be your kids - for goodness sake don't use them as sticks to beat each other with - and the more civilised you can be the easier it will be, not just for the boys but for all of you in the long run.

[hoffmandu]

Life goes on, Clint. The way the courts generally side with Mothers is a good indicator on what the outcome is going to be. It's shitty, but true. So, be prepared. This is not the end of all things. It will indeed suck, probably pretty bad at first, but that will fade with time. You can still be a good father in ANY circumstance, right? Well, now's the time prove it. All endings are always new beginnings, try (and I stress try) to look at it that way.

[Zombienorthstar]

No to take the pessimist view but hoffmandu is probably right what with the court system being what it is and your previous issues.

You just need to make sure your sons know you're there for them. And the best way you can do that is to remian on good terms with their mother. She must know how much you love your sons...and from your description shes sounds like a loving mother who will act in their interest. You just need to assure her that you are the same good influence on them you have always been.

My parents seperated when i was very young and despite the terrible way my father treated my mother she would never speak ill of him or use me to score points...as she would reitorate 'he is still my son's father'.

[DocAbsurd]

Dammit, I wish I had more time today.

1) Women are not all . . . whatever the female equivalent of 'bastards' is.

2) Been thru what you're going thru. Ended up with both Things as sole custodian. In fact, their mother has no rights (and will soon be seeing jail-time come Sept 20). The courts are still stilted, but not nearly as bad as they were. Your biggest obstacle is gonna be the whole 'mental fitness' angle. Might I recommend going in -- voluntarily -- for as many tests as is possible?

3) Forget counseling. It only works if both parties are willing to commit. Again, been there, done that. Alone.

4) Contact your local chapter of Fathers' Rights. Now. And look into legal assistance, depending on your financial situation.

Don't give up the ghost just yet. Resign yourself to the fact that the marriage is done, it'll make things easier to accept. But most importantly, think of the boys.

The best advice I can give is to think of what's best for them. If you go into court with that attitude, at the very least you'll come out with a clean conscience.




Doc 'Listen for the Fat Lady' Absurd

[Paul McEnery]

My wife of 20 years just had papers served on me today to dissolve our marriage. She is also filing for custody of our twin 15 year old boys.

Life's been rough on us all these past 2 years and after losing a wonderful job I suffered through a long bout of serious depression, which required hospitalization and prolonged treatment using pharmaceuticals, therapy and finally ECT.

I've since come out of the depression...to the point where I've been working for almost 1 year. My job isn't as high paying as the one I lost. Matter of fact, it's almost 50% less pay, not to mention company car and other "perks".

She's essentially "tired" she says and wants to start a new life.

The part that really is earth shattering to me and quite untrue is that in the papers she filed, she is listing that I'm "mentally unstable" and "unsuitable" to be a good father and husband.

That's simply not true, as evidenced by the previous 18 years in which I've provided well for both my sons and my wife rather well actually. I've simply done my best.

Furthermore, she's bringing in my hospitalization as "evidence" along with my therapy and such.

This is almost too much. It hurts like hell and I just needed somewhere to spill it all out....somewhere where anonymous people can make anonymous thoughts appear without much fear.

I'm scared, truth be told and I don't know quite what to do.

Thanks for listening.
Clint, you're going to have to face some brutal facts.

I've lost a job that was important to me, and gone through depression.

I've lost relationships that were important to me, including a divorce, and gone through depression.

I've gone through all of that at once, including the death of my father, and gone on medication to see myself through it.

But I've never been in such a state as to need ECT.

Life problems alone are not enough to take you that route. There have to have been underlying problems all along. And simply because you feel better now does not mean that everything is all right.

Your wife has clearly reached breaking point with you. That's rough, but it's undestandable.

The bad side of this is that when life smacks you around, it does you personally serious damage.

The first thing you need to do is once again find a serious counsellor. There's a strong chance you'll need medication to get through this.

But blaming the wife is not going to get you anywhere. You need to focus on keeping your own life afloat right now. That's the only task ahead of you in the short term, and it's the only one that's going to see you out of this bleak time.

[Puma]

My husband was permanently disabled due to an at work injury. He tried to keep working which made it worse and which contributed to the onset of depression; a very common occurance among disabled workers. He was forced to retire in 1997 and I became the primary breadwinner. He is still suffering from depression; sometimes greater sometimes less. We no longer have the same life we had when we married, nor do we do the things we used to do, in many ways he is a different man.

I say this because I think before we all demonize Clint's wife we need to consider that depression affects more than just the individual diagnosed. There have been times I've thought about leaving, its hard being with someone who is suffering, you become the caretaker and when you factor in kids, hoo boy that takes a toll, emotionally and physically. You have to be the "up" person, the one who provides stability, the one who "can't have a problem"; I weighed a hell of a lot less when before my husband's illness. Clint's wife may, I don't know her and neither do the rest of us, have decided that she needs to leave for her health and maybe, just maybe, for the kids well-being as well.

I feel for Clint, divorce is never easy or painless, but rather than blaming his wife he should find a good counsellor to help him through the next year or so.

[Jade69/Legolaslady]

I also am very sorry for what your'e going through, but just to add another tick to the "don't blame all women thing" I actually stuck by my husband through 3 years where he only worked about 1 year of them, off again on again at * thinks* 4-5 different jobs. I didn't leave until he was actually making more money than I was for the first time in our marriage.
But I'd agree with what everyone else is saying, which is - unless she's just trying to send you a severe wake-up call of some kind, you need to work towards getting to where you can be independant on your own, and be able to take care of your boys as much as you can, for whatever time you're given with them, and work to get as much time with them as you can.

[JeffreyWKramer]

Sorry to hear about this, Clint.

To second what others have said, I'd definitely recommend counseling - couple's counseling if she's up for that, but individual for yourself, for sure.

Good luck, man.

[Typo Lad]

I want to chime in on the "don't be so fast to tar and fveather his wife' side of things.

Clint, you seem like a nice guy. you really do. However, I would suggest you see a professional to discuss this with. I mean even if couples is not an option, see someone solo. it's a lot to deal with.

If you really feel you must avenge yourself upon your wife in some way, continue to improve yourself and maybe she will realize that she ended the marriage to swiftly.

[Clint Barton]

Thanks.

I will not do anything that will denegrade what a real husband and responsible father should be like.

Children (yeah, I know the boys are both 15...but they're still my children) are very perceptive to adults and emulate what they see adults do more often than not.....in my opinion.

I couldn't live with myself if I did something vengeful to her under any circumstances, particularly knowing my boys will be watching.

God, I hate this though.

I don't think I've ever hurt this badly inside.

Thanks for all the supportive messages though.

[hoffmandu]

Thanks.

I will not do anything that will denegrade what a real husband and responsible father should be like.

Children (yeah, I know the boys are both 15...but they're still my children) are very perceptive to adults and emulate what they see adults do more often than not.....in my opinion.

I couldn't live with myself if I did something vengeful to her under any circumstances, particularly knowing my boys will be watching.

God, I hate this though.

I don't think I've ever hurt this badly inside.

Thanks for all the supportive messages though.


"I am an iron slab, I cannot be broken" say it with me Clint, say it loud, and believe it.

[Slam_Bradley]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this. You need to make sure that you get yourself a good and aggressive divorce lawyer, one that is well versed in custody issues. I know that it isn't fun and won't be easy, but it will be best for you and for your children that you don't let yourself get run-over.

If there's any questions that I can answer feel free to PM me. (I'm a divorce lawyer).

[Dreadstar]

Take Doc Absurd's advice and get ahold of Father's Rights right now. They'll give you a bit more of a fighting chance. You should make sure you have support processes over the next year or two. With your history, I'm thinking that she and her lawyer are taking the most expedient course, as it WILL cost you to adequately refute her assertions, and they have to do much less work by presenting history and then tieing it to you today.

Good luck.

[Ray R.]

Sage advice as usual.

I'm in the middle of divorce and custody proceedings right now, and at the initial custody hearing, my ex-wife (that's how she stands to me right now)'s lawyer pulled out doctor's notes from my psychiatrist (which were ultimately not admitted as evidence because we (my lawyer and I) were not allowed the opportunity to quash the subpoena that got them in the first place). I have been taking anti-anxiety (Xanax) and anti-depression medication (Lexapro, Zoloft, etc.) on and off for years. The kicker is that the depression was probably caused by stress and unhappiness caused by my marriage.

You probably want to take the same tack with your lawyer. Depression is hardly a reason to deny custody, and sounded pretty weak when I was able to converse on the witness stand like a halfway intelligent human being. Judges see lots and lots of cases, and denying on the basis of temporary depression seems draconian.

By the way, in various pleadings, I've been accused of mental illness, substance abuse, domestic abuse, child abuse, marijuana dependency, financial mismanagement, and everything else under the sun. My wife has deposed my children's pediatrician over a diaper rash, and had a friend report me to Child Protective Services in my town for child abuse.

And all of it has failed to stick. It's cost me a small fortune to defend myself, but my two children (aged 2 and 7) are worth it. Because the judge awarded joint physical custody. There will be a final custody hearing in April, but both my lawyer and I feel that all the negative and false accusations and character assassination have only hurt her credibility. The truth wins out in the long run. And I've been able to stay on the high road, which is better for the children.

Stick by your guns and stay confident in yourself. This too shall pass. Get a good attorney, and let the negative bullshit roll off like water on a duck's ass.

Oh, and I could have stuck it out in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. Now, I get to provide my values and care and love on my terms, not filtered through someone else. Not all marriages are salvageable, and not all marriages should be, no matter how they start out. And as a kid of divorce myself with parents who hated each other for 25 years, I think this is the right move, right now, and the children will benefit in the long run.

Start your life over, and live it without fear or regret. You'll grieve, and you'll feel loss, and it will hurt like hell, but again, it will pass. Just remember that your kids will ultimately understand why you're doing it.

Good luck, and feel free to PM if you want. I know EXACTLY what you're going through.

{Steps off soapbox}

[DocAbsurd]

Jeez, I hope no-one -- especially Kramer -- thought I was slamming counseling down. Feck, no way! I had both the Things in counseling for 8 months after this was all over, and I had a few sessions meself. At first, it was to have them reconcile with their mother; but after our counselor contacted CPS and their Legal Guardian, she changed her tactis and decided to just get them over their anger and move on with our lives. Worked like a charm, too. Thing 1 adores my girlfriend, and I never thought he'd be so accepting of another 'mother' figure in his life (and no, I have not forced either them or her into the role; it's something that's developing slowly over time).

Get the counseling. Seek it out for yourself, explain the situation, and evaluate whether your boys might need it as well. Don't keep this bottled up.

And for God's sake, get as much assistance as you can. You're not alone in all this, and it's vital you realize it as soon as possible.




Doc 'Helping Hand' Absurd

[JeffreyWKramer]

Jeez, I hope no-one -- especially Kramer -- thought I was slamming counseling down.


I didn't think that, so no worries there, Doc.

I took your comment to mean "forget couple's counseling, because it only works if both parties are wanting it to work," and I agree with that sentiment.