The Infinite House of War’s Disassembling Identity Crisis

[Tommy]

“He say I killed somebody. I ain’t never kill nobody. Like I kill somebody?” Wonder Woman leaned back in her seat.

“Well our next guest claims she gave birth to Batman’s love child, but Wonder Woman here is demanding a paternity test,” Lacuna said, smiling politely.

On to the stage walked Catwoman pushing a stroller.

“Bitch! My man ain’t yo’ babies daddy!”

As Wonder Woman leapt off her seat Oracle changed the TV channel with a sigh.

“Hey! Do you get play station on this thing?” asked the blonde one.

“Do you mind? I am trying to work here.”

“No. I don’t mind. Val is watching the Wiggles in the living room so lets have some playstation!”

“Why did I move in with you people, Johnny?” Oracle asked, rubbing her eyes.

“Late nights cybering with Reed?”

“Eww. No.”

“Hey! Are you guys playstationing?” Ben said popping his head in.

“No. Miss sour pants here is ‘working’.” Johnny responded.

“Would you get out?” Barbra said as she tried to push them out the door. “I am trying to monitor the situation in Gotham City.”

Batman stood menacingly against a red sky. “This is MY town. You ever step foot in it again and I will shut you down. I’m the goddamn Batman.”

Little Suzie Walker, age eight, started to cry. “I want my dolly,” she managed to scream between her blubbering.

“I will shut you down!” Batman said as he picked her up and set her right across the city limits.

Still crying Suzie walked to the Shuttle that carried refugees from the edge of Gotham to the newly formed Shantytown about two miles from its border. Since Batman had decided to “shut down” anyone in Gotham the over flow population had to go somewhere. And this was it. A huge field covered in Red Cross tents. It was filled with crime and poverty.

Elsewhere in Metropolis everyone was walking around in red capes and blue tights. Clark flew out of his window and about fourteen people flew up to greet him. “Hey thanks finding everyone a place to live after you reenlarged Kandor, saved the lost Kryptonian colony, rescued that Kryptonian science vessel…”

“Oh! It was nothing!” Clark said smiling.

Meanwhile a large group of scary people entered the Justice League headquarters.

“Hello? Anybody home?” asked Blue Devil.

“No.” came an echo.

The group wandered forward to the meeting room where they found a woman with long blond hair, and wearing a silver jump suit leaning back in a chair.

“Is the Justice League here?” asked Detective Chimp.

“No,” responded Dazzler.

“And you are?”

“Damn. I have to talk to my publicist.”

“Okay… lets try what are you doing here?”

“Waiting.”

“Well that part was obvious. But waiting for what?”

“The Justice League.”

“Okay… why where you waiting for the Justice League?”

“I was going to invite them to my show. Who are you people anyways?”

“We are the SHADOW PACT!”

“Like the horse from Lord of the Rings?”

“No! That is ShadowFAX. We are ShadowPACT.”

“What ever.”

Someplace else the x-men were fighting for their lives.

“Ohh god1 I am so depressed.” Scott said as he tried to walk to the refrigerator to eat yet another pint of Haagen-Dazs.

“You think you’re depressed? I am the most depressed.” Psylocke said as she swept a mountain of candy bar wrappers off her blanket and stared into the TV screen.

“My wife is dead,” Scott moaned as he limply tried to open the freezer.

“I can’t touch any one!” Rouge whimpered as she lay cuddle up in the middle of the floor.

“Is Gambit even alive any more?” Cyclops asked Psylocke.

“Let me check.” She poked the body next to her hoping illicit a response. A wheezy sound came out of his lips. “Yeah. But he doesn’t sound so good.”

“God, I am so depressed,” Cyclops said.

Meanwhile the ShadowPact had managed to get to Stark Tower. After magicing their way inside they were surprised to find Booster Gold sitting on the couch watching TV.

“Uhh… where are the Avengers?” asked the Enchantress.

“They are not here? Say you guys know it is not Halloween for like another four months?”

“Yeah. Sure, but we are the Shadowpact!”

“So where is Gandolf?”

“It is Shadow PACT!”

Someplace very far away a young woman watched over the Earth. She laughed manically.

“I’m crazy Wanda!” she said to herself “and isn’t this just crazy! I have lowered all electronic prices so low! They will think I am crazy! Why I am crazy Wanda prime I am so crazy. No one can out crazy Wanda! I was raised by a cow!”

[Tommy]

The Shadowpact had wondered far and wide across the land looking for help. Unfortunately their next stop was the Xavier Institute.

“Hello! Anyone home?” Detective Chimp asked he stuck his head in the front door. All he heard for a response was a grown from down the hall. The Shadowpact wondered towards the Kitchen where they found Scott Summers lying next to an empty bowl of ice cream.

“Umm… hey guys...” Detective chimp said as he poked Scott.

“Why God?” asked Scott as he rolled over.

“Listen… could you umm get up and help us?” asked the chimpanzee.

“I don’t think so,” Psylocke said as the blue light from the TV washed over her.

“Gah! I didn’t see you there.”

“We are a little too depressed at the moment.”

“Come on we really need you!”

“And who are you?”

“We are the Shadowpact!”

“Really? I am watching the Lord of the Rings right now.”

“No! That is Shadowfax. We are Shadowpact. There is a difference.”

“Well, whatever. We can’t really help you. We are planning on dyeing our hair black tonight.”

The Island of Genosha had been peacefully run by the House of War for ten years. But sadly the house of War itself was not particularly peaceful. Magneto War knew that better than anyone, but sadly today his disgraced son Quicksilver War would be coming home with that gold digging harpy he had married.

“Ding dong,” rang the doorbell. Magneto got up and opened it.

“Hey pops! Meat my main squeeze Crystal,” Quicksilver said as he through a bag of dirty laundry on the floor.

“Hey! Your kind of sexy for an old guy,” Crystal said leaning in.

“Girl! Don’t talk like that.”

“You make me so hot when you boss me around.” The pair engaged in an uncomfortably, for Magneto, long French kiss.

“Well dinner is served in the dinning room.” Magneto added “Thankfully,” under his breath.

The young couple joined the slim green haired woman who was quietly eating.

“Wanna see my tattoo?” Crystal asked as she started to take off her shirt.

“Perhaps later,” Magneto replied. “How about if you tell me a little about your self dear?”

“Well I live on the moon. And my family is like the royal family for a bunch of like monsters and shit. So were like totally loaded and shit. And I met your hottie son at Kappa Delta Kappa kegger and he was like so hot I took him up to my room and we totally fooled around.”

“Well isn’t that just special.”

“Yeah and then we got married in Vegas by Elvis!” added Quicksilver.

“Sounds just lovely.”

“Your boobs are so hot.”

“That is it!” Magneto screamed, “Is it too much to ask for you to be a little civil? I think a little civility at the dinner table is not an unreasonable request.”

“Ha! A civil War? That would be the day,” Quicksilver giggled. “Say… who is this green chick?”

“Well…” began Magneto “Awhile ago I happened to have fling in a bowling ally with a nice young lady… and well Lorna here is your sister.”

“A fling?” asked Crystal.

“I was excited. I had bowled a perfect game.”

“I bet you were excited,” Crystal snickered.

“So you mean to tell me I have a secret sister?” asked Quicksilver.

“I suppose you could put it that way.”

“Wow, a secret War. Why I bet there are secret Wars all over the planet.”

“Well that kind of sucks for a royal family. So much for the House of mmmm these cookies are delicious,” said Crystal.

Elsewhere the Shadowpact had trudged over to the JSA headquarters.

“All right, we might have struck out with the last three teams, but I have a good feeling about this one,” Ragman said.

They wondered into the meeting room where Powergirl was sitting by herself.

“JESUS!” Blue Devil exclaimed, “Those things are HUGE!”

“Excuse me?” asked Power Girl.

“Your back must be killing you!” said the Enchantress.

“Haha! Very funny. Like I have not heard it before.”

“Well is the JSA around?”

“No.”

“Well can you give them a note that the Shadowpact needs to talk to them?”

“Why would we talk to a horse?”

“Well we are talking to an enormous pair of breasts and you don’t hear us complaining.”

Far away a young woman sang and danced to herself.

“I’m crazy, I’m crazy, I’m crazy, and I am so crazy I am standing on my head.”

[Tommy]

The city was silent. Well except for the quiet thrust of the Batmobile. Batman had been driving around for hours, but sadly, there was no crime. Not since he had OMACs building an enormous wall around Gotham City to keep people out. They had put flamethrowers on the turrets to use against anyone who even THOUGHT about attempting to enter the city.

Out of the corner of Batman’s eye he saw some slight movement. He stopped the batmobile and slowly climbed out looking all around him. There was something moving in side the shop across the street. He stalked closer to the window. “This is my town,” he grumbled under his breath.

He swung the door to the shop open and confronted the puppies whining for food. “I will shut you down!” he said as he started gathering up the various animals in the pet shop.

An hour later Batman put all the animals into a massive Batapult and hurled them over the outer wall. “I’m the god damn Batman!” he screamed.

Elsewhere the Shadowpact was getting depressed. “How about Generation X?” asked Ragman.

“No, most of them are dead.”

“Young Justice?”

“Also mostly dead.”

Suddenly a swirl of light appeared before them. Out stepped six people in rather garish clothes.

“Sweet! You must be a super hero team!” exclaimed Detective Chimp.

“Yes! We are the Exiles! We travel from world to world beating people up and setting things right,” responded Blink.

“Like Quantum Leap?”

“No! I am tired of constantly hearing Quantum Leap jokes. ‘Hey where is Scott Bakula’ was not funny the first time, and it is not funny now.”

“Consider yourself lucky. We are the Shadowpact and every time it’s some dumb reference to that stupid horse from Lord of the Rings. Who even remembers crap like that.”

“Ugg! Yes people have no respect. Say you folks look like you could use a team up!”

“Yes, that is EXACTLY what we have been after. So who is all on your team?”

“Well…” said Blink hesitantly “There is this guy, and that woman, and hey aren’t you dead?”

“No,” replied Sabertooth.

Blink leaned in close to Detective Chimp, “I have no clue who these people are. This team drops like flies. Lets ditch them and assemble a rag tag team of heroes.”

The first stop on the Shadowpact and Blink tour was Metropolis. As soon as they arrived forty people in blue tights assaulted them.

“Citizen! Can I help you?” was shouted from all directions. Fortunately Blink was able to teleport them to Canada.

“Jesus, what was that?” she asked.

“Ick! I knew we shouldn’t have stopped there,” Ragman said.

“Yeah, it turns out that Superman was not the only person to survive Krypton. Over the last ten years about seven billion Kryptonians have turned up. And who knew Superman was the most laid back out of all of them?” asked the Enchantress.

“Well lets keep on trucking,” Blink said as she teleported them away.

Elsewhere Oracle was finding out what life was really like in the Baxter Building.

She had been shut up for four hours when Sue leaned in with a, “Hi! You wouldn’t mind looking after Frankie and Val would you?” she asked as she practically hurled the children at Barbara. “Thanks bye!” Sue said prior to Barbara even getting the air to her throat to talk.

Two hours later she was still being held hostage to children’s programming when Ben entered.

“Ben! Thank goodness you are here. I was watching the kids but…”

“And your doing a great job too! I have a Poker game, see ya!”

And with that he was out the door, and Barbra was stuck for another hour until Johnny came home.

“Johnny!”

“Wow look at you with the kids! Gotta date!” and he ran out the door. Leaving a frustrated Barbra still watching a Teletubies video. Right up until Sue and Reed walked back in.

“You are the most inconsiderate man I have ever met!” Sue spit out.

“You asked and I answered. You shouldn’t have asked if you didn’t want an answer.”

“Well I didn’t expect you to give the wrong answer.”

“Well I think despite its subjectivity, most people would agree with me.”

“No. Because most people are not totally rude pieces of…”

“Finally! Your back! I have a lot of work to do. Bye!” Babs had learned a lot today.

Meanwhile the Shadowpact had formed as much of a collection of heroes as it could. They might not have been the cream of the crop, but they existed, and that was something in their favor. The Enchantress had walked to the front and was taking a roll call.

“…Blue Devil, Nightshade, Blink, Dazzler, Booster Gold, Wonder Woman, Powergirl, Crystal and Quicksilver. Is that everyone? Okay then. I am sure you are wondering what big huge cosmic super team up we are doing here, and let me tell you it is a doozy.

Some crazy chick named Super Witch Prime has merged two universes into one, and then made that one really stupid. So we are going to go to her, and wail on her until she changes it back. Okay? Good!”

[Tommy]

Batman sat in front of his computer attempting to figure out new ways to protect Gotham. “A force field…” he mumbled to him self, “no, what if I shrunk the city and put it into a jar?”

Far away there was a bright pink disk and the intrepid heroes appeared at the end of very long hallway.

“Now all we have to do is run down this hallway and at the end we will find Super Witch Prime,” said Blink pointing.

“Wait a minute… why didn’t we just teleport right into her room?” asked Dazzler.

“We can’t just teleport there. We have to teleport a ways away and run there fighting villains.”

“Why not just teleport there? This makes no sense.”

“There is a specific way of doing these things. Now I don’t expect a singer like you to under stand it, but we do things like this. You teleport a ways away and then go foreword-fighting hordes of villains. It is REALLY simple.”

“Whatever,” sighed Dazzler.

The heroes started to run, however a submarine materialized ten feet in the air over them. It crashed down on Booster Gold.

“Well that was certainly unexpected,” said Blue Devil as the kept running.

Also in front of them a series of Mindless Ones popped up.

“Oh No!” screamed Power Girl as they rushed her. Fortunately for her they didn’t want to fight. Just stare at her enormous breasts. Unfortunately she could not get out from in-between them. The heroes ran on.

“God you are hot!” Quicksilver said to Crystal.

“Lets find some bleachers to make out behind,” Crystal replied and they peeled off.

“The casualties are mounting!” the enchantress cried as they kept running forward.

Suddenly Cheetah appeared before them and spit in Wonder Woman’s face.

“Oh bitch I will slap yo’ face off!” Wonder Woman screamed as she pulled off her earrings. “Bitch I will take you out!” She pulled off her boots and grabbed Cheetah by the back of her head and slammed her into the wall. The others kept running.

“Look!” cried Blink, “it is the end of the hallway!”

Unfortunately for Blink she tripped and fell. However everyone else made it into the room where Super Witch Prime was sitting.

“Look here Witch…” said the Enchantress.

“Call me Wanda. Super Wanda Prime.”

“Whatever, change reality back.”

“No! I shall go further!” and with a flourish she hexed the wall and suddenly Dazzler had short magenta hair.

“Don’t make us fight you!”

“You won’t win. I will get you all caught up in ridiculous love triangles.”

“Bitch!”

“Would you do it for a shiny new quarter?” asked Blue Devil.

“What do I look like? A five year old?” asked Super Wanda Prime.

“How about a buck fifty?” asked Ragman.

“Come on.”

“Paying off your college loans?” asked Blue Devil.

“All right, that I can do.”

And with that Super Wanda Prime put everything back the way it was. And no one mentioned it had ever happened six months later.

The End

(Well what do you think?)