Hi, my name is [Untalented Writer].

[Studcake]

My girlfriend and I are making our first attempt at a comic submission. She is an awe-inspiring artist, but as for my writing skills, I dunno. I have the script fully written, if that counts for anything. I guess this is a test for me. But anyhow, here are some of her sketches of characters in the comic. On the second picture, we hope for something like that to be the splash page. (In color, of course, and with a lot more detail, just a sketch.)

This is the text for the spash page:
CAPTION
My wife. My dearest wife. You cannot be dead. You cannot.

Then a little sample from the second page: (It's going to have a close up of the character Zeus's face. He is crying.)
CAPTION
Humans. They caused this, they, in their decadence, selfishness! They have killed you!

I'm shooting for a miniseries, one-shot kind of thing. 120+ pages. Feel free to critique. Thanks. (I know the knife is kinda small, she made it a bit bigger in another sketch.)

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/9422/zeusgs3.jpg
http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/2972/zeusheraqe7.jpg

[Kaos]

dope drawings man. seems ayte, maybe a lil corny...dunno have a couple to check and maybe draw from dem all

[Studcake]

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you just said.

[RaulTheCat]

The art is quite impressive. The writing, well, seems a little clunky. Is this to be a period piece? Are we to assume that this is indeed Zeus the greek god?
Anyway, you want the readers to feel the pain that Zeus feels.

Example:

CAPTION:
Her blood is sticky in my hands.

CAPTION:
Her face is expressionless, a face that once shone like Apollo's Chariot.

CAPTION:
The rage within me is equaled with the sorrow that I will never feel her touch and I will never hear hear her sweet voice.

CAPTION:
My wife's blood is sticky in my hands.

You get the idea.

Good luck.

Darrell DeWeese

[Studcake]

Your writing is good, but it doesn't suit the story, in the story there is no apollo, there are 2 other gods, but they are from different patheons. Zeus is blaming humanity for his wife's death. It is in a fantasy world I made up. Thank you for the comment though, good advice.

[grenciamars]

love the artwork: it just speaks so much about the characters' relationships and Zeus' different emotions that (no offense) it doesn't really seem to need too much explanation of what Zeus is feeling.

just as a suggestion, why not go with captions that aren't from Zeus himself to begin with, but more like a narrator's voice, like this very cheesy example:

CAPTION (over Zeus' pic)
It begins with hate. And pain.

CAPTION (over the second pic)
It begins with death. And love forever lost. But it will end with revenge.

or something much, much better than that! it just seems that so far, the pics describe emotions and situation so well that the reader just needs a direction or an indication of where they might be going. just a thought.

[Johnathon Crane]

I too am writing a story but I hope mine will be on-going... This is the first page:

Page One

Panel One: An alley at night. Someone is walking.
Caption: Yuman City is the home of vermin unimaginable.

Panel Two: A man with brown hair, a brown overcoat and a knife steps out of the shadows.
Dialogue
Man: Well? Where is the gem?

Panel Three: The first man looks terrified.
Dialogue
1st Man: Sorry, I’m sorry Jack!

Panel Four: Jack thrusts the knife into the man.
Dialogue
Jack: You should learn that when you deal with a clown…

Panel Five: Jack stares at the corpse triumphantly.
Dialogue
Jack: Always expect to lose.

[Johnathon Crane]

Hope that goes down well...

[Ontir]

Panel 1

Zeus holding a dead woman.

ZEUS
(grief stricken)
WHO WOULD DARE?
(beat)
MY BELOVED...

Panel 1

Close-up on Zeus.

ZEUS
(now enraged)
HERA!

My advice in general, is something I've heard several time: LESS WORDS!