A story in search of reviews.

[Romaine]

Greetings all.

I wrote a script for a writer's challenge over at Digital Webbing two days ago and have not received any crits or comments of any kind. No idea why. So I thought I'd post it here and see if I have better luck. So if anyone could spare the time, I'd sincerely appreciate any and all reviews.

Before reading it, please take a moment to consider the parameters of the challenge:

1. The story must be set during a birth.
2. During the story, there is a fight to the death.
3. The story must have a mouse at the end.
4. A character must be angry throughout most of the story.

Also, the story was to be no more than five pages, but I went a bit overboard, finishing at nine pages. Oh well. It was fun anyway.

Here's the link: http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93910&page=5

Thank you,

~Max Romaine

[Romaine]

Ten views and nobody has any comments? Come on, folks. Help a white boy out. :o

~Romaine

[Romaine]

Would it help if I said please?

~Max Romaine

[Romaine]

Bumpity bump bump.

[Romaine]

Wow. Thirty-nine opinionless people. :confused:

I didn't think such a thing was possible in the world of comics.

Hmf. :mad: Gotta love that community spirit.

~Max Romaine

[Phobus]

I'm going to try to give a critique here, since you asked.:)
Please take this constructive and not destructive.

I read to about page six, and did not read any further, not because it was bad or anything, but as I was reading it I tried to imagine it in a comic, and thought, "6 pages and no action?"
It will be hard to grab the reader, especially with characters that are not established or familiar, if there is no action for 6 pages.

Lots of dialogue and no action. That's what I got from it. I can sense you want to build suspense and tention as well as a bit of mystery around the situation and the characters. Go with that and think it from another angle perhapse, using that as your "grab" for the reader.

Anyhow, please take this critique for what it is, a critique.
Good luck to ya.:)

[Romaine]

Finally a review! Thanks for taking the time to read it. Well, most of it anyway.

I appreciate your comments, but I'm a little confused. You say you stopped reading at page six due to lack of action, but page six is exactly where the action starts.

But thank you for the review. :)

~Max Romaine