Funeral Arrangements that Bother You

[David O Burcham]

My father passed away June 12th from a heart attack. Making funeral arangements led to a few "discussions" among my two older brothers and myself. Two things that stood out were viewing the body at visitation and the use of a vault.

The middle brother and I wanted a closed casket, because we believe visitation is for friends and family to support those grieving and not to see the deceased "one last time". The oldest felt that an open casket would provide a sense of closure.

The oldest brother also wanted a vault in the grave to put the casket in. I understand that many cemeteries require a vault, but, the country cemetery where the family plot is at has no such restrictions. He didn't like the idea of the ground sinking a bit over the years. the middle brother and I felt that not only was it a waste of money, but, why go to the trouble of committing a person's body to the ground only to do everything to keep the earth away for as long as possible?

In the end, we compromised and had open casket visitation with no vault.

My mother, bless her heart, didn't really care either way. The only thing she demanded (and, rightfully so, she got it) was a graveside service.

What funeral traditions have you folks ever questioned?

[David O Burcham]

And what's the point of "honorary" paulbearers?

[Josh S]

And what's the point of "honorary" paulbearers?

It's just a way to show those people that they were important.

Personally, and I'm not looking to offend anyone, I think almost everything associated with funerals is pointless. I understand people wanting to be able to say good bye and remember the deceased, but I don't think the body needs to be there. I also find the whole casket/vault thing ridiculous. The fact that people say "he's in a better place" and then turn around and feel they need to get the top of the line casket becuase "he deserves the best" seems odd to me. If he's in a better place, then he's not in the casket. My mom and I have both made it known that when we die we want a premium to be placed on making it as cheap as possible or to have our bodies donated to science if anyone will take them.

But, funerals are more for the people still here so if they feel the need to spend their money on a funeral more power to them.

[MacQuarrie]

First off, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. My dad died in February.

Funeral arrangements are very strange to me, an dit seems like most of them are just things the mortuary industry invented in order to tack on up-charges.

I think I'm going to go for a modified viking funeral. Since it's most likely illegal to do a real one, I plan to be cremated, then my family will hire a boat and go out past the 3 mile limit. There they will put my ashes in a cigar box on a small raft, set it on fire and push it out to sea.

As for my worldly goods, I plan to leave certain things to the people they would be of some significance to. At the reading of the will, whatever money I have will be divided among my heirs. Then they will each be given a handful of Monopoly money, which they will use to bid on the rest of my personal property. This way, everybody has to decide on how much they want a given item, and what they are willing to pass up to get it. Everybody has an equal shot at any item, but nobody can end up with all of it.

And it should be fun.

[sk716]

I've always been a little disturbed by most funeral arrangements.

For me, I'll be cremated, there will be no funeral, but a party along the lines of an Irish Wake. And my ashes are to be spread in a very specific place, not left sitting on someones mantle to make them feel worse about it. That way if someone wants to visit, they can go to that place, which happens to be one of my favorite places and think of me there.

My mother keeps my Grandmothers ashes on her coffee table. It pisses me off. But it would have probably amused my Grandmother that it irritates me so.

[heystacy]

For some members of my family, a funeral becomes a power struggle, and an audition. Some people (and I stress some, not all) think they need to take the wheel away from others. Others start bickering over details. I've heard so much bad issues. "I'm the oldest, I will dictacte what will happen."

"I'm paying, so you don't have a say..." The list goes on. I keep saying keep it short and simple. Some furnerals are, others are way over the spending cap. Peeps ain't pimpin' their way into heaven with a tricked out casket.

Phoney Bone, sorry about your loss.

[bfrank]

sorry to hear that.....my mom passed on June 1st, so I know how you feel....

I thought that there would be a huge power struggle regarding the funeral, in that my mom comes form a huge family, and that's kind of what happened during the planning of my grand parents services....however, everyone was really hands off, and supported what ever my brother, sister and I wanted....

Funeral arrangements don't really bother me, but I'm still having a problem with the death thing (Grand mother, grand Father, Best Friend's brother AKA Other brother and Mom since 2002...that's it for me)

[Noah Johnson]

I lost my last grandparent last year, and I have to say the open-casket service really did help in terms of closure. It sort of allowed me to say "Yeah, there's grandpa. And yup, he sure is really dead." in a way that memorial services and things I've attended didn't really do.

That being said, I want to be cremated and compressed into a synthetic diamond, because I think that's awesome. Also because it will allow my widow to creep people out. "In a way, my husband's still with me. Right here around my neck, in fact. Look, it's like a little eye, staring at you."

[MacQuarrie]

That being said, I want to be cremated and compressed into a synthetic diamond, because I think that's awesome. Also because it will allow my widow to creep people out. "In a way, my husband's still with me. Right here around my neck, in fact. Look, it's like a little eye, staring at you."
They can do this?

Cool!

I just had an even better idea for distributing my stuff. Knife-fights!

[Jeff Brady]

They can do this?

Cool!

Here you go: http://www.lifegem.com/

[Cam63]

My condolences to those who lost loved ones recently.

As for my opinion, as long as it's not too garish ( unless the deceased wished it be so ) or the priest guy craps on too much about how wonderful God is when the person died a long and painful death, most of what I've seen done at funerals is OK.

[K'Nort]

The one time I attended an open casket service, it was more distracting than comforting.

I agree with the idea that you can have a memorial service anywhere, with photos, rather than paying a mortuary umpteen amounts of money. And caskets seem to rapidly becoming a non-issue with cremation getting so popular.

My grandfather had time to give very specific instructions for his service(s) last year, and it wouldn't have occured to anyone to deviate. Even for those who aren't sick or anything, and as morbid as the idea is, I can see how pre-planning can save surviving family members a lot of stress and potential conflict.

[Drumore]

My grandmother's funeral was just a few weeks ago, so have had similar discussions in our family. We had an open casket, which was my personal preference (but I can understand and respect a wide variety of opinions on this).

Since our family is spread out all over the place -- and I'm all the way across the country -- I typically only saw her once a year. Most of us were unable to get home in her last two days of being hospitalized. So having an open casket did bring closure for many.

[Patience]

Having my grandmother's funeral while I'm on the plane home and not even telling me I was missing it by a whole day until I got there. I still haven't forgiven my mother that one.

[David O Burcham]

My dad always said that he wanted to be put in an ol' pine box and thrown in a ravine. We got a nice pine casket for him, but, opted out of the gully. Since he was a Marine, the funeral home provided a flag. The one thing all of us agreed on was to keep it as simple as possible and not have all of the flowers surrounding him for the funeral home visitation. We bought a couple of wood end tables from Hobby Lobby and two more flags, two ferns for the tables, and some red-white-and-blue ribbon from Wal-Mart. We used the ribbon to make little pins for the paulbearers. Pops wasn't a flower type of guy. He loved his ferns and trees, though!


My great aunt is twice widowed and has her funeral plot with a husband on each side. She even has a headstone already placed between the two graves with her birthdate on it... just waiting for the death date to be chizeled in.

[sk716]

My condolences to those who lost loved ones recently.

As for my opinion, as long as it's not too garish ( unless the deceased wished it be so ) or the priest guy craps on too much about how wonderful God is when the person died a long and painful death, most of what I've seen done at funerals is OK.

This reminds me of another one of the things that pisses me off about funerals. A couple of years ago Monkey Boy's Grandmother died. She had been in the hospital for the last couple of weeks of it. During that time the funeral home preacher stopped by and met her. It was the only time the man ever met Monkey Boy's Grandmother.

Sometime in the two days between the time his Grandmother died and the funeral, the preacher talks to his Mom and askes her to write out the eulogy she intends to give so he can have a copy. So, she does.

At the funeral, this jack-ass goes on for an hour about how well he knew the deceased and what a sweet lady she was. I met Monkey Boy's Grandmother on several occasions and while I liked her very much, Sweet would not be a word I would use to describe her (Let's just say Monkey Boy's smart mouth is a genetic disorder. He's like third generation smart-ass on his Mother's side.)

Then this asshole has the audacity to start giving the Eulogy that Monkey Boy's Mother was supposed to give.

If this was the only time I had ever seen this kind of behavior from a Funeral home, I would have written it off as one asshole. But last year a dear family friend died. So, I drove back to my hometown to attend the funeral. And that asshole did pretty much the same thing.

[Lester C.]

My condolences on losing your father.

[hellokittykat]

My condolensences to everyone who has lost a loved one here.:(

My husband and I both agreed that we want to be cremated after the circus that we experienced in 2003 when we had to coordinate three funerals back to back. Between the families and the funeral homes and officiants, I've seen some disgraceful behavior.

Some lines I've LOVED:

"It's the last thing you'll be able to do for (the deceased)"
No the boat already sailed on that when the person passed away.

"If we don't get this expensive tombstone, Mom will think that we didn't love her!"
Whaaatt?

"We can't put an obit in the paper. People that I don't want to see might show up."
Well, it is all about you afterall. :evilangry

That's just a smidge of the crap that I heard.

[the4thpip]

Condolences from me as well.
We don't do the open casket thing at all here in Germany.