Nikita
06-19-2006, 01:02 AM
Longwinded, rambling personal thread about my dad just to warn you....:D
2:38 am and I've made it past Father's Day. Whew. Not exactly a great day for me to remember anymore. I do however, hope everyone else on here had a nice Father's Day.
That's the problem with not being involved with a parent anymore due to their crappy behavior from the past. You are able to forget about them most of the time...then a holiday comes up, or a birthday, and you're driving down the road and it hits you like a brick all over again. As some of you know, my dad was very abusive to my mom. He put us through hell during the divorce and left the country to get out of child support and didn't call for an entire year to even see if we were alive or not. (he worked as a pilot so he flew for an overseas airlines after Eastern Airlines folded here)
I haven't spoken to him in fifteen years. My brother lived with him on and off before finally moving back in with us several years ago. I think he tried to have a relationship with my dad but it never worked because my dad is too messed up. His mother abused him so that's partly why he grew up hating women and then eventually treated my mother like crap.
But it's funny....how much I'm like him in certain ways even though I resolved I never would be. His temper for example, I have that. His detached coldness, I have that too sometimes without realizing it. His obsessiveness, dark sexual interests, and violent thoughts.....check, check...and check. Yep, I'm sooo glad I inherited some of those lovely traits from him. I am grateful I am related to my mother because her "good genes" override his "evil genes" in me most of the time. The ironic thing is, I figured out why my father acted the way he did way before she did because I could think like him. I was in elementry school when he exposed me to some bondage porngraphy. (he was reading a porn mag one day and didn't bother to close it while I sat next to him looking at pictures of chained up women because at that age, I wasn't aware of what I was looking at) He never molested me but my mother wondered if he had been "setting me up" for something later. I worshipped him when I was younger, but as I grew older, I began to realize how truely messed up he was in so many ways and that's when our relationship became strained. I didn't worship him anymore and he knew I had figured him out.
But even though I hated him for years, there are days like yesterday, when I think of the good times. I think of him taking me to Girl Scout camp and teaching me how to water ski for the first time. Or teaching me to drive. I get horribly sad and wish I could call him and just talk. But I said goodbye to him years ago because of everything he put us through and because I know I'd never have a normal father/daughter relationship with him. I'd wonder, why are so many men are messed up like him? It's the main reason I didn't want anything to do with men for a long time. They all reminded me of him so I could never trust them. That's changed over the years and wounds have healed but Father's Day still hits me even after all this time.
He was diagnosed by a therapist years ago as a sociopath and a borderline personality. Apparently, those combination personalities are hard to treat because sociopaths feel no guilt over their actions towards others and they do not feel they need "help". So, no therapy could ever fix him. He will stay sick the rest of his life. I do not plan on attending his funeral when he dies. I had to detach from him for my own mental health and to move on.
So, to those of you who have had falling outs with a parent, or are no longer in touch with a parent because they treated you or someone else you cared about in the family very badly, or abandoned you completely, I wish you a happy Father's Day, Mother's Day, Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving, etc, for all the things you never got from them and all the times they forgot you. Someone out there loves you even if the ones who were supposed to show you love, never did.
I miss my father.... sometimes.
2:38 am and I've made it past Father's Day. Whew. Not exactly a great day for me to remember anymore. I do however, hope everyone else on here had a nice Father's Day.
That's the problem with not being involved with a parent anymore due to their crappy behavior from the past. You are able to forget about them most of the time...then a holiday comes up, or a birthday, and you're driving down the road and it hits you like a brick all over again. As some of you know, my dad was very abusive to my mom. He put us through hell during the divorce and left the country to get out of child support and didn't call for an entire year to even see if we were alive or not. (he worked as a pilot so he flew for an overseas airlines after Eastern Airlines folded here)
I haven't spoken to him in fifteen years. My brother lived with him on and off before finally moving back in with us several years ago. I think he tried to have a relationship with my dad but it never worked because my dad is too messed up. His mother abused him so that's partly why he grew up hating women and then eventually treated my mother like crap.
But it's funny....how much I'm like him in certain ways even though I resolved I never would be. His temper for example, I have that. His detached coldness, I have that too sometimes without realizing it. His obsessiveness, dark sexual interests, and violent thoughts.....check, check...and check. Yep, I'm sooo glad I inherited some of those lovely traits from him. I am grateful I am related to my mother because her "good genes" override his "evil genes" in me most of the time. The ironic thing is, I figured out why my father acted the way he did way before she did because I could think like him. I was in elementry school when he exposed me to some bondage porngraphy. (he was reading a porn mag one day and didn't bother to close it while I sat next to him looking at pictures of chained up women because at that age, I wasn't aware of what I was looking at) He never molested me but my mother wondered if he had been "setting me up" for something later. I worshipped him when I was younger, but as I grew older, I began to realize how truely messed up he was in so many ways and that's when our relationship became strained. I didn't worship him anymore and he knew I had figured him out.
But even though I hated him for years, there are days like yesterday, when I think of the good times. I think of him taking me to Girl Scout camp and teaching me how to water ski for the first time. Or teaching me to drive. I get horribly sad and wish I could call him and just talk. But I said goodbye to him years ago because of everything he put us through and because I know I'd never have a normal father/daughter relationship with him. I'd wonder, why are so many men are messed up like him? It's the main reason I didn't want anything to do with men for a long time. They all reminded me of him so I could never trust them. That's changed over the years and wounds have healed but Father's Day still hits me even after all this time.
He was diagnosed by a therapist years ago as a sociopath and a borderline personality. Apparently, those combination personalities are hard to treat because sociopaths feel no guilt over their actions towards others and they do not feel they need "help". So, no therapy could ever fix him. He will stay sick the rest of his life. I do not plan on attending his funeral when he dies. I had to detach from him for my own mental health and to move on.
So, to those of you who have had falling outs with a parent, or are no longer in touch with a parent because they treated you or someone else you cared about in the family very badly, or abandoned you completely, I wish you a happy Father's Day, Mother's Day, Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving, etc, for all the things you never got from them and all the times they forgot you. Someone out there loves you even if the ones who were supposed to show you love, never did.
I miss my father.... sometimes.