Pitch Me a Story

[Harvey Jerkwater]

You just got a phone call. It's from a high-up muckety-muck in Marvel. He's in trouble, he's looking for help, and he picked you because he likes your haircut.

The muckety-muck blurts out, "I need a one-issue story from you by next week! And it's gotta have three things in it:

Wolverine in a starring role;
A full marching band; and
A lobster-man.

Call me tomorrow with a short pitch, no more than a paragraph. Make it good."

So what's your pitch?

Personally, I think any story that combines Wolverine and a sousaphone is guaranteed gold.

[Dan Apodaca]

We open on Wolverine finishing a meal at the X-Mansion. He's looking very full and satisfied, and gets up to leave the table. Beast wants to know where he's going. Logan just finished a good meal, so now he's going to have a cigar. Beast reminds him that they have children at the mansion now, and he has to set an example for them. No smoking on campus. We then follow Wolverine around as he tries to find someplace where he can smoke his cigar in peace. Jarvis kicks him out of Stark Tower for stinking up the joint. He keeps getting kicked out of New York bars. He tries to smoke out on the street, just to finally have his cigar, but a parade turns the corner, led by a full marching band and forces Wolverine to flee the area. Finally, up on a rooftop, Logan thinks he has found peace, and tries to light his cigar. From behind, we hear "Not so fast!" as a lobster-claw reaches in and snips the burning tip off the cuban. Reveal Joe Quesada in a giant lobster-suit, complete with claw-gloves and prawn-like tail. He introduces himself and tells Wolverine about his no-smoking policy for the comics. He explains that, as EIC of Marvel, he has the power to alter anything in the Marvel Universe. He snaps his claw and turns the cigar into a balloon animal. He then tells Wolverine alll of what's going to happen to him in the next few months, teasing for upcoming issues of Wolverine's series (Joey Q would never miss an opportunity to hock something). Wolverine freaks out and has a mental breakdown. He starts to go all berserker and swings a clawed fist at Quesada. Quesada snaps his claw again and we cut to Wolverine's fist continuing the swing, but with a ping-pong paddle in hand. He is playing table tennis with Kitty Pryde and, though he feels confused, can't remember anything of the previous story. Kitty offers him bubble gum. Wolverine blows a bubble and it pops all over his face. The last panel is Quesada in the lobster-suit, saying "See? Don't you like this better, folks? Safe comics are good comics!"

[Evan Waters]

This is too easy. All the Avengers are on the other side of the world fighting... I dunno, Fin Fang Foom, Wolvie slept through the alarm and gets up just in time to see Lobster Man attack the Annual Arbor Day Parade, in a misguided attempt to get the attention of Jodie Foster. There's only one man who can stop him- good thing he's the best there is at what he does...

[DubipR]

Location: Washington DC. Wolvie is working along with SHIELD to dissolve what's left of the Hand after Millar's run. Wolverine goes undercover to weed out a deadly Hand clan that puts toxins in a chain of Long John Silver restaurants. Logan started off working the fryolater and getting attacked by Hand members posing as workers of the local Long John Silvers. Slash slash...attack, and hack.
Logan gets transfered to another LJS when that one gets a C rating from the Board of Health. Now, Logan is forced to wear a Lobster Costume outside on the corner handing out flyers to try the new Deep Fried TroutDog. As the toxins slowly build in the customers systems, they attack Wolvie where he unfortunately has to slash everyone. Logan gets fed up and goes straight toward a well know Hand safehouse, where he secretly stumbles onto a Hand resurrection of Rob Liefeld's Career. He jumps down and attacks the ninjas and twarts Liefeld career from coming back. One of the Hand leaders escapes and is running from Wolvie. The hidden layer backdoor is secretly underneath RFK stadium, where during halftime of a (Insert Corporate Company Here) Bowl, the Florida A&M's marching band is intrerupted during their halftime show and high-steppin', the Hand leader and Wolvie duke it out on the 50 yard line. Wolvie impales the Hand leader with the drum major's stick.

What? You said Marvel is gonna go for it....