Moments when you had to bite your tongue...

[Deathstroke]

...to keep from laughing.

About 6 years ago, I was at basketball on a Saturday. We were in between games and the older girls division was up next.

One of the girls came up to me and asked where the girls balls were. I said what? As it turns out, the correct sized basketballs for the girls (28.5) hadn't been brought out and the boy's sized (30.0) were being used to warm up.

I told the girl that the person who had the keys to the closet where the balls were wasn't in the gym and they'd have to warm up with the balls we had. (I wanted to kill the person who didn't leave the key with me, where else would I be on a Saturday).

Anyway, she looked at me and said "Man, that stinks, I hate playing with men's balls."

I wish I had a picture of my face at that moment, because my mouth just dropped open and a smile of hilarity started spreading across my face. I had to walk away from her before I burst out laughing. I damn near busted a gut holding the laugh in until I got far enough away from the girl.

Funniest damn thing that I've ever had occur at basketball.

[Wyclefdoug]

Tonight at work, a middle age couple was checking out some patio furniture. Apparently the guy thought I was out of earshot and let a fart rip. I had to run away.

[JolietJake]

When I was a kid my brothers and sister not infrequently drove my dad into near-psychopathic rages with our constant fighting. Dad had a long-fuse, mind you, but you didn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity when he got driven over the edge.

Anyway, this one time my older brother and little sister got into it ... arguing over some stupid game or something like that. My brother, idiot that he is, goes too far in his teasing and calls my sister a C_ _T. She breaks down, goes wailing to my dad incoherently. The only word he's able to understand through her tears is the offending one.

Dad swoops in to the rec-room, screams at us, "Did you call your sister a C___!!!"

My brother pipes up, "Seven times!"

Needless to say, the old man snapped. Dave got the belt in the worst way. If I had so much as snickered at his smartassedness I'd have been whipped right along with him. That's my big bro ... I guess he figured that if he was goin' down ... why not go down in flames and try and take as many innocent bystanders with him!

[Solaris]

...to keep from laughing.

About 6 years ago, I was at basketball on a Saturday. We were in between games and the older girls division was up next.

One of the girls came up to me and asked where the girls balls were. I said what? As it turns out, the correct sized basketballs for the girls (28.5) hadn't been brought out and the boy's sized (30.0) were being used to warm up.

I told the girl that the person who had the keys to the closet where the balls were wasn't in the gym and they'd have to warm up with the balls we had. (I wanted to kill the person who didn't leave the key with me, where else would I be on a Saturday).

Anyway, she looked at me and said "Man, that stinks, I hate playing with men's balls."

I wish I had a picture of my face at that moment, because my mouth just dropped open and a smile of hilarity started spreading across my face. I had to walk away from her before I burst out laughing. I damn near busted a gut holding the laugh in until I got far enough away from the girl.

Funniest damn thing that I've ever had occur at basketball.


Ouch. Now I'm coughing from laughing so hard.

Thanks for sharing that one, 'stroke---it's priceless!

[Solaris]

Time for a Megan story:

In high school, Meg was in an Irish Dancing group. The girls decided to get matching costumes, so Meg comes home telling me we need to go find a purple dance costume. Once I get the particulars (what little there were), I'm like, "But Meg, there's TONS of shades of purple! Unless I can see what color the leader's dress is, I can't guarantee a color match."

Meg looks at me, smiles brightly, and says, "That's okay Mom---I've got this little purple velvet snatch, and we can match the color to that."

*blink blink... then it sinks in that she said what I THOUGHT she said*

The moment the word "snatch" left her mouth (instead "swatch," as she meant) I was fighting to keep from laughing.

"You... have... a little purple... VELVET... snatch?" I managed to gasp.

"Yep!" she says brightly.

I lost it. So did Rin, who walked in on this and caught the pertinent parts.

In fairness, I later DID explain the difference to Megan between a "cloth swatch" and the cultural slang "snatch"... but I couldn't keep from chortling as I did so, for the life of me.

[howyadoin]

One of the girls came up to me and asked where the girls balls were. I said what?I think that's even funnier than the other joke.

[Solaris]

I think that's even funnier than the other joke.

Makes you want to respond, "I dunno---how many of them are hermaphrodites?"

:D

[BcAugust]

*looks at Solaris* Um...I take it that has a different meaning in the east? Because where I'm from, snatch just means to take something. There isn't another meaning. (Though, swatch amusingly does)

[StoneGold]

When I was having sex with your mother. I have a tendency to start laughing hysterically while orgasming.

[howyadoin]

Makes you want to respond, "I dunno---how many of them are hermaphrodites?"I dunno, I kinda picture Deathstroke doing a classic Bob Newhart double take in response.

"What?"

[Sophisticated_Gamer]

what's a snatch??? i seriously have no idea what it means and i'm 18

[howyadoin]

what's a snatch??? i seriously have no idea what it means and i'm 18It's a bearded clam. A vertical smile.

[Josh S]

Clams have beards?!?!?!


When my sister was about five this occured:

Ginny: I'm not gonna live in a house when I get big.
mom: Really?
Ginny: Really!
mom: Then where are you going to live?
Ginny: In a really nice condom!

Good times!

[Solaris]

*looks at Solaris* Um...I take it that has a different meaning in the east? Because where I'm from, snatch just means to take something. There isn't another meaning. (Though, swatch amusingly does)

Around here, it's another slang name for the lower female external genetalia, as well as "to grab something".

There. I think I did that well. :D

So, what's the (other) meaning of swatch out there?

[Deathstroke]

I dunno, I kinda picture Deathstroke doing a classic Bob Newhart double take in response.

"What?"


Yeah well, I think I must've done a double take, but I might not have noticed being so stunned by the unintentionally funny comment.

[thehod]

Around here, it's another slang name for the lower female external genetalia, as well as "to grab something"?

Its also the name of a technique in weight lifting, along with the clean-and-jerk (steady!!!), which led to the, frankly inevitable comment from Pat Glenn, a weightlifting commentator...

"And this is Gregoriavia from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

[west3man]

...to keep from laughing.

About 6 years ago, I was at basketball on a Saturday. We were in between games and the older girls division was up next.

One of the girls came up to me and asked where the girls balls were. I said what? As it turns out, the correct sized basketballs for the girls (28.5) hadn't been brought out and the boy's sized (30.0) were being used to warm up.

I told the girl that the person who had the keys to the closet where the balls were wasn't in the gym and they'd have to warm up with the balls we had. (I wanted to kill the person who didn't leave the key with me, where else would I be on a Saturday).

Anyway, she looked at me and said "Man, that stinks, I hate playing with men's balls."

I wish I had a picture of my face at that moment, because my mouth just dropped open and a smile of hilarity started spreading across my face. I had to walk away from her before I burst out laughing. I damn near busted a gut holding the laugh in until I got far enough away from the girl.

Funniest damn thing that I've ever had occur at basketball.That IS hilarious, but my ass would've also been concerned that someone else overheard what the young lady said (and ONLY what she said).

That's a great story, though.

[west3man]

Dad swoops in to the rec-room, screams at us, "Did you call your sister a C___!!!"

My brother pipes up, "Seven times!"!
Man, that's just beautiful in its evility.

[west3man]

Damn, Deathstroke. You struck gold. This stuff is crackin' me up.Time for a Megan story:

In high school, Meg was in an Irish Dancing group. The girls decided to get matching costumes, so Meg comes home telling me we need to go find a purple dance costume. Once I get the particulars (what little there were), I'm like, "But Meg, there's TONS of shades of purple! Unless I can see what color the leader's dress is, I can't guarantee a color match."

Meg looks at me, smiles brightly, and says, "That's okay Mom---I've got this little purple velvet snatch, and we can match the color to that."

*blink blink... then it sinks in that she said what I THOUGHT she said*

The moment the word "snatch" left her mouth (instead "swatch," as she meant) I was fighting to keep from laughing.

"You... have... a little purple... VELVET... snatch?" I managed to gasp.

"Yep!" she says brightly.

I lost it. So did Rin, who walked in on this and caught the pertinent parts.

In fairness, I later DID explain the difference to Megan between a "cloth swatch" and the cultural slang "snatch"... but I couldn't keep from chortling as I did so, for the life of me.Again, GREAT story! I can just SEE you getting the giggle-fits as that sank in.

[west3man]

Its also the name of a technique in weight lifting, along with the clean-and-jerk (steady!!!), which led to the, frankly inevitable comment from Pat Glenn, a weightlifting commentator...

"And this is Gregoriavia from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
I really shouldn't be laughing THIS hard before breakfast.

[Typo Lad]

Its also the name of a technique in weight lifting, along with the clean-and-jerk (steady!!!), which led to the, frankly inevitable comment from Pat Glenn, a weightlifting commentator...

"And this is Gregoriavia from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Okay, okay, that one got me.

As for me, the "beaver" story is the best example.

[Mac Danny]

During an Art history lecture at RISD one of the slides shown was of the Bayeux tapestry.

The Woman lecturing was showing us all the parts of the tapestry and what they meant. The whole tapestry is about the Battle of Hastings . Then she circled an area of the tapestry and said;

"And here you can see Harold beating off the Vikings"

I tried to contain my laughter but cound not.


Another time I tried to bite my tounge but could not was one christmas eve at my in-laws. Now my wife and I are not terribly religious, but her family is. Well it was late and I was tired. I even forget what we were talking about. I think someone started a conversation on why muslims are so violent, which is just crazy. I said, "Well, most religions can be and have been viloent. The violence happens when people believe in the "My Way or the Highway" approach to thier beliefs." So my Aunt -In-Law says "Well when has the Catholic Church ever hurt anyone.."

I almost did a spit take and said "Are you KIDDING ME??"

Man some holidays it's like the inquisition never happened...


-Mac Danny

[thehod]

Okay, okay, that one got me.

Oh, there's more.

Most of these are more than likley apocryphal, but when they are this funny, who cares....

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on 'This Morning': "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team' Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

[Solaris]

Oh, there's more.

Most of these are more than likley apocryphal, but when they are this funny, who cares....



Damn it---now I've gotta wipe my eyes, I was laughing so hard. And every time I'd laugh more, the dog would run over and whine, thinking I was calling him. Those were GREAT! :D

[Typo Lad]

"Damn it---now I've gotta wipe my eyes"

Next time wear goggles.

[Solaris]

"Damn it---now I've gotta wipe my eyes"

Next time wear goggles.


Well, if it wouldn't jump AROUND so much...

[Typo Lad]

We wuvs Solaris, yes we does.

[Lubichev]

Damn it---now I've gotta wipe my eyes
A little lust action going on in Fulton County?

[Solaris]

A little lust action going on in Fulton County?

Gwinnett, actually. :D

And Morts, I wuv you too. :D

[Lubichev]

Gwinnett, actually. :D

And Morts, I wuv you too. :D
"Gwinnett is Great!"
Ya'll (my attempt at "Georgian southern") still got that one water tower down there?

[Solaris]

"Gwinnett is Great!"
Ya'll (my attempt at "Georgian southern") still got that one water tower down there?


The one with that line on it, near I-85? Yep.

Here's a good one:

We Gwinnett residents were both surprised and puzzled, when the signs went up along I-85 (near Jimmy Carter Blvd.) saying "Gwinnett Village next 3 exits." We're all like "WHF??? We freakin' LIVE here, and we've never heard of this mythical 'Gwinnett Village.'" Turns out it was somebody's bright idea to try to promote that part of Gwinnett as "historical, homey, ethnic, or all three."

Talk about lame.

So, I take it you've visited here?

[Lubichev]

Yes. When I was on tour we made stops all over Georgia. Atlanta, Athens, Albany, Savannah, Rome, Bainbridge, and a few other places. Nice place. But hotter than hell. Especially Savannah.

[Dreadstar]

Yes. When I was on tour we made stops all over Georgia. Atlanta, Athens, Albany, Savannah, Rome, Bainbridge, and a few other places. Nice place. But hotter than hell. Especially Savannah.

In August, if there's no breeze, the Savannah residents take refuge in hell.

[J Dog]

I usually do that whenever I hear someone ralph. I know, I know, it's kinda low to laugh at that part of scatalogy, but it's the noise, not the creation that makes me laugh.

But, here's another low moment: Have I mentioned about a crazy woman who kept calling people "Little Man" and "My Baby"? This woman possibly had a mental issue, but I had a hard time not laughing at her torture a truck driver.

[Typo Lad]

I fail to see the relation to the topic. Sorry man.

Puking, by the way, just makes me puke.

[Lubichev]

Puking, by the way, just makes me puke.
That is called a "sympathetic puker," right?

[west3man]

Puking, by the way, just makes me puke.
D-I-TT-O, D-I-TT-O, D-I-TT-O... and "Ditto" was his name-o.

[jessecuster]

I remember when my sister and I were much younger, and my sister had just come home from dinner at a friend's house and was just gushing over the meal she had just eaten.

She happily piped up: "We had dress steak it was delicious"

My mom: "Dress steak ? Isn't it skirt steak ? "


To this day we still call it dress steak when we are with each other.

[J Dog]

I fail to see the relation to the topic. Sorry man.

Puking, by the way, just makes me puke.
Oh. That's okay.

But, I'm referring to the sound of the poor person's agony as he releases his digested food the wrong way. You know, the moaning.

[J Dog]

I fail to see the relation to the topic. Sorry man.

Puking, by the way, just makes me puke.
Oh. That's okay.

But, I'm referring to the sound of the poor person's agony as he releases his digested food the wrong way. You know, the moaning.

[Typo Lad]

So basically, you're a sick, sadistic monster?

I knew there was a reason I liked you!

[west3man]

I remember when my sister and I were much younger, and my sister had just come home from dinner at a friend's house and was just gushing over the meal she had just eaten.

She happily piped up: "We had dress steak it was delicious"

My mom: "Dress steak ? Isn't it skirt steak ? "


To this day we still call it dress steak when we are with each other.
I've never heard of either, but then, I'm not much of a steak man.

[Eternal Torment]

I was visiting my friend who works at a daycare,and we struck up a conversation.During the conversation,a little kid,around 3 or 4,just went behind him and jammed his finger up his ass! My friend was surprised to say the least,and when he turned around,the toddler grabbed his balls. At that point,I nearly choked from the laughter.My friend told the kid that he shouldn't do it again. When he turned around,the kid goes and feels an older girl up and gets scolded again. I ran outside and fell laughing to the sidewalk.

[Rachel Grey]

I was visiting my friend who works at a daycare,and we struck up a conversation.During the conversation,a little kid,around 3 or 4,just went behind him and jammed his finger up his ass! My friend was surprised to say the least,and when he turned around,the toddler grabbed his balls. At that point,I nearly choked from the laughter.My friend told the kid that he shouldn't do it again. When he turned around,the kid goes and feels an older girl up and gets scolded again. I ran outside and fell laughing to the sidewalk.

Shudder. Anyone can be a Kancho Assassin....

[west3man]

Shudder. Anyone can be a Kancho Assassin....
That's JUST what I was thinking about.

Martin Lawrence once said that if he were in prison, he'd be the nastiest, no-showerin', shittin' on himself while he walked, mo' fo' IN the joint! He figured nobody's run up in him, that way.

It'd be nice if one of these "assassins" met a shitty rival on the battlefield, then had to walk around, the rest of the day, with ass-funk for a handshake.








Although, part of me is afraid they might like that. *shudders some more*

[J Dog]

So basically, you're a sick, sadistic monster?

I knew there was a reason I liked you!
Nah. I just laugh at the mundane for no good reason. Can't help it.

[Sophisticated_Gamer]

lol omg this thread needs to live on