what's wrong with wanting to be liked?

[bert]

No really. . . .

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

so I ask:

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?

[dingo]

No really. . . .

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

so I ask:

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?

You can't please all the people all the time.
If someone doesn't want to even be civil if you are trying to be nice to them then don't bother, it is their fault, not yours (unless you did something reeeeaaaallllly crappy to them in the past).

Probably a small minded person who defines themselves by what they don't like rather than what they do like. Always avoid those people.

[west3man]

No really. . . .

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

so I ask:

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?
There's something odd in there.

You seem to be suggesting that this hypothetical person who'd like to be liked isn't being friendly just because it is in his or her nature, but that he or she is doing so to persuade those "people who decide they don't like [him or her], and no matter what [he or she] do[es], they will *never* cut [him or her] a break."

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, but there may be something wrong with that (above).

[bert]

There's something odd in there.

You seem to be suggesting that this hypothetical person who'd like to be liked isn't being friendly just because it is in his or her nature, but that he or she is doing so to persuade those "people who decide they don't like [him or her], and no matter what [he or she] do[es], they will *never* cut [him or her] a break."

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, but there may be something wrong with that (above).


hmmm. .

I don't get what you're asking.

The person who wants to be likes *IS* acting in thier nature (friendly). . . and is trying to be friendly so someone who doesn't like them will see what they are missing.

yeah. . . it definately has to do w/ low self-esteem/self image. . but still. . .what's wrong with wanting to be liked?

[bfrank]

hmmm. .

I don't get what you're asking.

The person who wants to be likes *IS* acting in thier nature (friendly). . . and is trying to be friendly so someone who doesn't like them will see what they are missing.

yeah. . . it definately has to do w/ low self-esteem/self image. . but still. . .what's wrong with wanting to be liked?
there's nothing wong with wanting to be liked....

as there is nothing wrong with not liking a person....

[Tom]

Everyone wants to be liked. There's nothing inherently wrong with it. However, when it becomes an end in itself, then the object of your attempts becomes marginalized; less of an actual person who might think you are actually interested in them as a person and more of a tool to make you feel better about yourself.

[bert]

there's nothing wong with wanting to be liked....

as there is nothing wrong with not liking a person....


yes. Valid point. but should causality enter into it?

long-time posters here at CBR might remember way back when I told the story of my friend Brad, who suddenly (and without any cause or provocation) decided that I was "evil" and therefore would no longer speak to me. He went so far as to insist that anyone who was friends with him, could not be friendly with me . . and if they were, the would no longer be his friend.

I was pretty upset at the time (my Mom, who really liked Brad -- we were best friends for a few years -- actually asked me if we were boyfriends and had a quarrel (we were never anything more than friends, and never even messed around together). I never did find out what caused his sudden declaration that I'm evil. . and the friends that ended up staying friendly with me never found out either. . . .

Shouldn't there be causality?

what makes me think of this topic, is one of my friends who was in tears today, because someone she works with took an instant dislike to her. . won't listen to her, won't invite her to lunch with the other co-workers, and won't even talk to her. She tried being friendly today, and got ignored.

I can't suggest it's hostile workplace, because this girl is doing nothing more than ignoring my friend (and is NOT in a supervisory or managerial position).

there's no point in my friend going to the boss. . because what is the boss going to do?. . order the girl to be friendly?. . . the argument can't be made that it's impacting business, because my friend gets all communication via email. . so they don't "have* to interact.

it just would be nice to understand why some people are like this. . . .

[Gilda Dent]

No really. . . .

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

so I ask:

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?

There's nothing wrong with it. We all want positive human contact, and that's easier to come by if people like you. It can be very discomfiting to have friendliness returned with hostility.

Gilda

[west3man]

hmmm. .

I don't get what you're asking.

The person who wants to be likes *IS* acting in thier nature (friendly). . . and is trying to be friendly so someone who doesn't like them will see what they are missing.

yeah. . . it definately has to do w/ low self-esteem/self image. . but still. . .what's wrong with wanting to be liked?
I wasn't asking anything, really.

I guess I differentiate between a genuinely friendly disposition, one without much of an agenda, and social desperation, which is like continuing to offer to talk to someone about Jehovah after he or she has declined time and again.

Obviously, the two may overlap, but being friendlier than what is natural for you is too close to putting on an act. Even if one succeeds in convincing others to be friends, those friends will have become attached to the you-plus version, not the natural you. That's not good, in my opinion.

[Winslow]

it just would be nice to understand why some people are like this. . . .

Sometimes its a personality clash - in such instances I wouldn't bother trying to get the person to like you.

Sometimes it's politics - and in such instances, you're better off without the gossip spreading whore that is trying to marginalize you so they can get ahead.

And sometimes there's a "cause" - but the person is too immature to resolve the conflict like an adult, so they become bitter and petty.

anyway . . dem's my thoughts.

[Forefinger]

"Boy, if people don't like you, Fuck 'em."

[Aelo]

"Boy, if people don't like you, Fuck 'em."

You said it.

[Quarterwolf]

See this is the odd thing about me.

I always assume people don't like me until they say otherwise. It is one of the reasons I usually won't start a conversation with anyone unless they has started one with me first.

But there are some people who you will always be friendly with yet they will treat you like shit. Those are the people you just need to cut loose and accept that they are never going to like you for whatever fucked up reason they have in their head.

[west3man]

yes. Valid point. but should causality enter into it?

long-time posters here at CBR might remember way back when I told the story of my friend Brad, who suddenly (and without any cause or provocation) decided that I was "evil" and therefore would no longer speak to me. He went so far as to insist that anyone who was friends with him, could not be friendly with me . . and if they were, the would no longer be his friend.

I was pretty upset at the time (my Mom, who really liked Brad -- we were best friends for a few years -- actually asked me if we were boyfriends and had a quarrel (we were never anything more than friends, and never even messed around together). I never did find out what caused his sudden declaration that I'm evil. . and the friends that ended up staying friendly with me never found out either. . . .

Shouldn't there be causality?

what makes me think of this topic, is one of my friends who was in tears today, because someone she works with took an instant dislike to her. . won't listen to her, won't invite her to lunch with the other co-workers, and won't even talk to her. She tried being friendly today, and got ignored.

I can't suggest it's hostile workplace, because this girl is doing nothing more than ignoring my friend (and is NOT in a supervisory or managerial position).

there's no point in my friend going to the boss. . because what is the boss going to do?. . order the girl to be friendly?. . . the argument can't be made that it's impacting business, because my friend gets all communication via email. . so they don't "have* to interact.

it just would be nice to understand why some people are like this. . . .
Causality?

If I'm understanding you, you seem to think that because someone doesn't reveal the cause, there must not be one to reveal. I don't see it that way.

There are people here and elsewhere who don't like me and probably never will. Some of them have reasons for this that I may find somewhat substantive, others I may find completely baseless, others still I may never find out about.

But really, this is about that person's feelings and those only have to make sense to him or her... and maybe not even then. There's only so much you, I , or anyone else can do to change this. Of course, just because we can do things to change people's minds doesn't mean we should do them.

There are reasonable measures (being as kind or humorous as you normally are) and then there are unreasonable measures (harrassing the hell out of someone so they'll want to be around you more). I say do what you can, what feels natural, then recognize when you've done all you can, at that time and then accept things as they are... even if that's only temporarily. Hell, the "natural you" may be the kind of person who feels a strong compulsion to revisit such things. Fine, I guess. I've been there.

Just be careful that compulsion doesn't become an obsession. It can be a fine line.


As for your friend, I hope she can successfully balance self-improvement with "fuck'em" and go on with life.

[DracoMalfoy]

My roommate is incredibly nice and polite. He never antagonizes me. He even goes out of his way for me sometimes.....and yet I hate his guts. Why? I just do. No reason for it. I just truly and utterly dislike him.

That's life. People will not like no matter what you do.

[west3man]

My roommate is incredibly nice and polite. He never antagonizes me. He even goes out of his way for me sometimes.....and yet I hate his guts. Why? I just do. No reason for it. I just truly and utterly dislike him.

That's life. People will not like no matter what you do.
There was a guy in my circle o' friends, in college, that I just couldn't stand.

Why? I was just jealous of the guy, but I never told him that. Then again, I also never treated him like shit. But I didn't bond with him because my own insecurities got in the way.

There are a ton of reasons not to like some folks. There are also tons of reasons to like'em or want to be liked by them, but the old cliches are true. Goodness, love, compatibility, and kindness would mean little to nothing if there were no such things as malice and plain ol' incompatibility.

We don't have to like that fact, but sometimes it helps to understand, recognize, and try to accept it.

[tricksterpup]

"Boy, if people don't like you, Fuck 'em."
Well if they didnt like you, why would they want to fuck you?

[tricksterpup]

confession time, I have been there, not gonna go into the story, its private. But yeah, I liked someone and they didnt respond back the way I wanted them to. IT was bad until I had a talk with a wise friend back then and he said you can not force people to like you and you must learn to live with that. It was splash of cold water and I saw what he was saying.

[Kid Omega]

confession time, I have been there, not gonna go into the story, its private. But yeah, I liked someone and they didnt respond back the way I wanted them to. IT was bad until I had a talk with a wise friend back then and he said you can not force people to like you and you must learn to live with that. It was splash of cold water and I saw what he was saying.

Which talk sunk in... the one with Annie Potts or Harry Dean Stanton?

[J Dog]

No really. . . .

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

so I ask:

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?
That happens a lot with me. I try to be nice here, even attempt to help out. But, I am treated as if I am more of a virus that causes more annoyance than goodness. It pisses me off. I joined this forum to have a few cyber-friends (which I currently have right now). Right now, the current avatar contest thread is more like "Let's Talk About What The Hell Is Wrong With J Dog!"

I keep explaining my problems. And I am more different in real life. I don't tolerate crap in real life; I can beat up someone and cuss them out. I may have a soft spot in some aspects (truth is, I enjoy hip hop, action films, and find it funny when swear words are mentioned in addition to what I said I liked), but I don't like it when somebody badmouths me when I try to do good. I'm different! DEAL WITH IT! Don't like it? Too bad, 'cause I am not going anywhere!

So... let me put it in perspective: I am not going to stand here and take it.



Whoa! Man, that felt good.

[Valmore]

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?

There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, I'd probably say everyone wants to be liked in some respect - if not by everyone than by at least a select few or even just one person. To be completely unliked would probably lead to social loneliness, which just isn't healthy.

The trick is to not go out of your way to try and make yourself liked by people. If someone doesn't like you, even after normal efforts to change their mind, it might be better to just write him or her off for the time being - there are others out there who'll like you just fine.

[Typo Lad]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. However, it is important to be able to accept that not everyone is going to like you. Some people are just not going to be part of your circle and that's life. it stinks, but there you have it.

The thing to do is acknowledge that they aren't feeling the like (as it were) and respect that.

[Ed Cunard]

It's the difference between wanting to be liked and needing to be liked, I think. The latter tends to annoy me, and pretty much guarantees that I won't like the person. I'd rather like someone based on the things about them that I find likeable, rather than because they really want me to like them (which doesn't happen very often, thankfully).

[west3man]

That happens a lot with me. I try to be nice here, even attempt to help out. But, I am treated as if I am more of a virus that causes more annoyance than goodness. It pisses me off. I joined this forum to have a few cyber-friends (which I currently have right now). Right now, the current avatar contest thread is more like "Let's Talk About What The Hell Is Wrong With J Dog!"

I keep explaining my problems. And I am more different in real life. I don't tolerate crap in real life; I can beat up someone and cuss them out. I may have a soft spot in some aspects (truth is, I enjoy hip hop, action films, and find it funny when swear words are mentioned in addition to what I said I liked), but I don't like it when somebody badmouths me when I try to do good. I'm different! DEAL WITH IT! Don't like it? Too bad, 'cause I am not going anywhere!

So... let me put it in perspective: I am not going to stand here and take it.



Whoa! Man, that felt good.Whether your explanations about your behavior are accurate or not, you seem to recognize that the behavior can be problematic.

If that's the case, shouldn't you expect people to have a problem with problematic behavior?

[Kid Omega]

It's the difference between wanting to be liked and needing to be liked, I think.

There also a huge difference between wanting to be liked, and EXPECTING to be liked.

-a

[Valmore]

There also a huge difference between wanting to be liked, and EXPECTING to be liked.

I think that says it better - being liked or loved is actually a fairly basic need on some level. But you can't expect everyone to like or love you.

Unless you're Tom Cruise.

[Ed Cunard]

There also a huge difference between wanting to be liked, and EXPECTING to be liked.

Oooh, nice distinction.

It's like how some people think being nice requires people to like them. I know a very nice person who I don't really like at all, because the only thing to them is that they are nice. Just being nice doesn't mean I want to grab a beer with this person--we have nothing in common at all, to the point where conversation is difficult. I don't necesarily dislike the person, but I can't say that I like her either.

[west3man]

...which is kinda why a self-described "nice person" could be so frustrated by someone going beyond indifference to actively disliking him or her.

One of the best lessons I've learned is that sometimes you won't get an answer to that one, which isn't really so bad - especially since, too often, the person doesn't even know the real reason*.



* - even some who think they do

[Dreadstar]

hmmm. .

I don't get what you're asking.

I think I can help.

West:

Think of the hypothetical person "wanting to be liked" as Person #1.

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

THIS is Person #2.

Did you think he was referring to the same hypothetical person in that last quote?

[Dreadstar]

There also a huge difference between wanting to be liked, and EXPECTING to be liked.

-a


You get a cookie.

Snickerdoodles.

[west3man]

I think I can help.

West:

Think of the hypothetical person "wanting to be liked" as Person #1.



THIS is Person #2.

Did you think he was referring to the same hypothetical person in that last quote?
Thanks.
Sorry for any confusion.

[J Dog]

Whether your explanations about your behavior are accurate or not, you seem to recognize that the behavior can be problematic.

If that's the case, shouldn't you expect people to have a problem with problematic behavior?
Possibly. I had a pretty sucky life with friends. They even betrayed me a few times. And I know that sometimes, I regret my actions. I just want to be liked, that's all...

[Aelo]

Possibly. I had a pretty sucky life with friends. They even betrayed me a few times. And I know that sometimes, I regret my actions. I just want to be liked, that's all...

Betrayed by friends? That really sucks. It's times like those when you wonder why you even bother with other people in the first place...

[Paradox]

Kid Omega notes a dividing line:

There also a huge difference between wanting to be liked, and EXPECTING to be liked.

Agreed...although I must say I usually DO expect to be liked, as most people seem to find me generally likable. On the other hand, if someone doesn't like me...eh.

I just usually hope it's for REAL reasons and not some misunderstanding or something.

[tricksterpup]

Agreed...although I must say I usually DO expect to be liked, as most people seem to find me generally likable. On the other hand, if someone doesn't like me...eh.

I just usually hope it's for REAL reasons and not some misunderstanding or something.
I like you old man.. you are good in my book but you do not post enough here any more.

[west3man]

Possibly. I had a pretty sucky life with friends. They even betrayed me a few times. And I know that sometimes, I regret my actions. I just want to be liked, that's all...
Understandable.
It sounds like you may want to work at curbing certain habits. There may be some things you can't control, but there are probably some that you can.

Ultimately, just remember that we're all human, so we all have room for improvement. As long as you're doing the best you can, that's something to be proud of.

Ultimately, you want to be worthy of the friendship of others, but they also need to be worthy of yours.

[west3man]

That's me.
Misunderstandings and missed potential friendships concern me. I try to keep it all in perspective, which can be hard sometimes.

[Forefinger]

You said it.
That was Bernie Mac from some movie. I want to say it was one of those House Party ones, but I can't remember.

[Forefinger]

Well if they didnt like you, why would they want to fuck you?
I just assume that everyone wants to fuck me. I'm sexy!

[tricksterpup]

I just assume that everyone wants to fuck me. I'm sexy!
DAMN Sexy!!
http://www.film.gen.tr/resim/filmler/austinpowers3goldmember/resim3.jpg

[K'Nort]

People have too many variations for everyone to be compatible with everyone else. It wouldn't occur to your average person that everyone out there is dateable. But they still think being friends is different.

The other thing that not everyone sees the same is whether "not liking" a person is the same as "disliking." There are plenty of people with whom I am incompatible, will never have anything to talk to about, have no interest in hanging out with, etc. But that doesn't mean I have anything against them. It's not like you actively hate the tv shows or bands or music that don't interest you. But some do see just positive and negative and forget neutral.

[Forefinger]

DAMN Sexy!!
http://www.film.gen.tr/resim/filmler/austinpowers3goldmember/resim3.jpg
I knew I shouldn't have posted any pictures on the Show your Visage thread. Bastich!

[bert]

hmmm. .

some intersting points made.


now why would someone who is really TRYING to be nice, make you hate them (as a couple of people said).

granted, you ,at this point, would have made your dislike for them clear. . . but would the person you dislike trying to be nice to you change your opinion of them for the better?

I'm really flummoxed by Draco's post where he said that his roommate is a good guy, who will do nice things for him. . yet he dislikes him.

I really would like to understand WHY some people feel this way (I mean, if the roommate were always acting like an ass, I could understand. . but this?)

[StoneGold]

Because people who want to be liked all the time are politicians. And politicians deserve to be shot in the face.

[howyadoin]

now why would someone who is really TRYING to be nice, make you hate them (as a couple of people said).Probably depends on how they're trying to be nice. One person's "trying to be nice" is another person's "annoying the fuck outta me."

And the reason for that could be anything at all. Maybe the nice one has an annoying voice, or stands to close, or just kisses ass too much.

[west3man]

Niceties-by-way-of-harrassment is annoying as fuck.

Other than that, it could simply be that someone's voice or their manner just kinda rubs you the wrong way. These and plenty of other things are independent of how nice the person may be.

By the way, don't mistake a disliking for seething hatred.

Oh yeah, and like I said earlier, one's own insecurities can result in a disliking for a person who reminds you of those insecurities.

[west3man]

Probably depends on how they're trying to be nice. One person's "trying to be nice" is another person's "annoying the fuck outta me."

And the reason for that could be anything at all. Maybe the nice one has an annoying voice, or stands to close, or just kisses ass too much.
Oh good gawd. I swear I didn't read this before composing my post.

I guess I owe you some coke.

[howyadoin]

Oh good gawd. I swear I didn't read this before composing my post.

I guess I owe you some coke.Hilarious. I bet we'd find the same people annoying, too.

[Ed Cunard]

now why would someone who is really TRYING to be nice, make you hate them (as a couple of people said).

granted, you ,at this point, would have made your dislike for them clear. . . but would the person you dislike trying to be nice to you change your opinion of them for the better?

If the reason you don't enjoy their company and/or dislike them is because they're nice, adding more nice won't help things, will it? Like, when I go to Wendy's and I ask for no mayo, if they give me extra mayo I become extra annoyed. Or something.

[Nikita]

No really. . . .

some people decide they don't like you, and no matter what you do, they will *never* cut you a break.

and then they treat you like you're an idiot for even TRYING to be friendly.

so I ask:

what's wrong with wanting to be liked?


Who doesn't like you???? Give me the names of these punks and I will have them killed for you!

[bert]

Who doesn't like you???? Give me the names of these punks and I will have them killed for you!


Well, I didnt' start the thread because of me. . but my Boss fits that criteria.

she didnt' start out as my boss. . but she is now, and is making my life miserable.

there are a few here on CBR who don't like me, but I've never met them in person. . so that really doesn't count. (at least, I think those I've met in person, liked me well enough).

my friend is in a much better mood today -- but then again, it IS the weekend, and she won't "have to deal" for a couple of days.

[Paradox]

tricksterpup boosts my ego:

I like you old man.. you are good in my book but you do not post enough here any more.

Awww, thanks fellow coyote! But, y'know, City of Heroin has a big monkey on my back right now.

Well, actually, it's more like a giant robot called a Paladin and...

[Nikita]

Well, I didnt' start the thread because of me. . but my Boss fits that criteria.

she didnt' start out as my boss. . but she is now, and is making my life miserable.

there are a few here on CBR who don't like me, but I've never met them in person. . so that really doesn't count. (at least, I think those I've met in person, liked me well enough).

my friend is in a much better mood today -- but then again, it IS the weekend, and she won't "have to deal" for a couple of days.


Bosses suck.