Good news & weird conversation at work

[tangentman]

I found out today that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first baby! She called me while I was running an errand for my manager and gave me the basics. The news left me giddy and I'm eagerly anticipating being an uncle! :D It's the first grandchild for my parents, who are beside themselves with joy. I've already started consulting the nurses I know for medical advice for my S-I-L: take the necessary vitamins, get plenty of folic acid, that sorta thing. To sweeten the deal, we're expecting the baby around November or December.

Now, the weird part: I told the manager in question, because she knows both my brothers. I'm the oldest, she's good friends w/the middle brother, and has hung out with my youngest brother (he's the eager dad). She congratulated me and no more was said for a while. About an hour or so later, a guy who overheard us asked me if I was expecting the baby. I said, "No, it's my youngest brother, but I'm looking forward to being an uncle!" Then, my manager says "Don't count your baby until it's out and you see it breathing". She went on to refer to her miscarriage at the turn of the year, which threw glacial ice water on the conversation.

I was so stunned that I was speechless for almost half an hour. I felt awkward for bringing up a touchy subject, while also feeling pissed at her for souring the news. On the one hand, I wanted to apologize and tell her that I wasn't trying to be insensitive and rub my family's news in her face at her expense. OTOH, I wanted to chide her for bringing a dour note to what was a cause for joy in my family. I didn't say anything, but I honestly feel a resentment over someone throwing a pall over the first good news I've had in a long time.

[Jeff Brady]

You're supposed to exclaim "Awk-WARD!" when people do that.

Still, good news about you being an uncle! Congratulations!

[tangentman]

You're supposed to exclaim "Awk-WARD!" when people do that.

Still, good news about you being an uncle! Congratulations!

I think about 65 different reactions came to mind, but I felt too "iffy" about using any of 'em! LOL

Thank you, we're all pleased here!

[Indigo Al]

Tangent, forget about your manager and what she said. She's most likely carrying around a lot of pain about her miscarriage - there's no way you should take it personally.

Just get ready to have some fun! I'm an uncle three times over, and there is no joy greater than spoiling your nieces and nephews rotten and being a "bad influence", and then handing them back to your sibling to deal with :evilsmile

Congratulations to you and your family.

[Spike-X]

While I sympathise with her loss, she has no right to bring her baggage into what should have been a happy moment for you.

[FunkyGreenJerusalem]

Write down all the advice you got from the Nurse, and give it to your boss and say "Remember this for next time".

When she complains that it was insensitive of you to do that, point out that it was insensitive of her to bring it up and ruin your day.

[milhouse123321]

Write down all the advice you got from the Nurse, and give it to your boss and say "Remember this for next time".

When she complains that it was insensitive of you to do that, point out that it was insensitive of her to bring it up and ruin your day.

Best. Answer. Ever.

[FunkyGreenJerusalem]

Best. Answer. Ever.

That it may be, but as a disclaimer I just want to point out that anyone who does this to someone deserves the punch in the face they'd soo receive.

[malephoenix]

Miscarriage is something that my family has delt with more than once. Please just consider this:

Depending on how much time has gone by since your manager went through that, her own temperment, how much counseling she's received for it, etc., chances are that well, she's wasn't *trying* to bring you down. Motivations in situations like this get pretty deep, and can range from "revenge" (where you try to make sure no else is happy with birth since you yourself had to go through so much trash) to sincerely trying to warn and prepare others for what might happen so that they are more prepared than you were.

Honestly, it may be best not to mention miscarriage in any way to your manager. If she brings it up, the most selfless thing would be to let her just say what she has to say, and then not hold it against her that she's hurting so badly (even if she insists that she's not). Maybe she needs someone to just show her some selflessnesss like that. If you really can't handle hearing about it, then let her know that you'll take it to heart, but it's not something you want to keep discussing. (Be prepared for any kind of responce if you say that.)

Given what my family has been through - and consider this the disclaimer that it's "just my opinion" and only based off my personal experience and all that - don't forward that information onto your sister-in-law or brother. The bottom line is that nine months is quite a long time in this sense, and well, someone's probably gonna hit her with it themselves. An expectant mom - especially a first-timer - is going to get tons of advice she doesn't seek or necessarily want. She'll have to deal with it eventually. But it helped a lot in my family for us to all be supportive, and not try to list all the potential dangers that *could* go wrong with the pregnancy. That list is practically endless, and it can easily make the new mom-to-be worry herself crazy, and worry never helps anybody; most of the things we worry about never come to pass, and even if they do, fretting over it isn't going to make you one inch taller or live one day longer; worry is fruitless.

Now, all that said, uncle-hood is different from them being your own kids, and Indigo Al said it already; it's so fun to spoil them and teach them little things. (I never go too far with it, but I REALLY enjoyed teaching each of my nieces and nephews how to say "booger" as soon as they started talking - making sure the rest of the family didn't know I was the one teaching them, of course. And once they're older, showing them how to do things like carrying peas around in their pockets.) My sisters love the care I give their children, but they've learned to expect some new little stunt each time I leave. It's great. You'll enjoy it.

[Spike-X]

Peas?

What's with that?

[west3man]

I found out today that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first baby! She called me while I was running an errand for my manager and gave me the basics. The news left me giddy and I'm eagerly anticipating being an uncle! :D It's the first grandchild for my parents, who are beside themselves with joy. I've already started consulting the nurses I know for medical advice for my S-I-L: take the necessary vitamins, get plenty of folic acid, that sorta thing. To sweeten the deal, we're expecting the baby around November or December.

Now, the weird part: I told the manager in question, because she knows both my brothers. I'm the oldest, she's good friends w/the middle brother, and has hung out with my youngest brother (he's the eager dad). She congratulated me and no more was said for a while. About an hour or so later, a guy who overheard us asked me if I was expecting the baby. I said, "No, it's my youngest brother, but I'm looking forward to being an uncle!" Then, my manager says "Don't count your baby until it's out and you see it breathing". She went on to refer to her miscarriage at the turn of the year, which threw glacial ice water on the conversation.

I was so stunned that I was speechless for almost half an hour. I felt awkward for bringing up a touchy subject, while also feeling pissed at her for souring the news. On the one hand, I wanted to apologize and tell her that I wasn't trying to be insensitive and rub my family's news in her face at her expense. OTOH, I wanted to chide her for bringing a dour note to what was a cause for joy in my family. I didn't say anything, but I honestly feel a resentment over someone throwing a pall over the first good news I've had in a long time.Don't apologize for shit.
If someone you know loses a baby, it's not rude for someone else on the planet to have one or look forward to one.
If someone you know is looking forward to having a baby, you stress smart, healthy behavior, not the possibility that the child will be born without a pulse.

I can think of extreme exceptions to the above, but none of them apply here. Your manager behaved badly and should be called on it IF she does it, again. I suggest preparing a terse response, in-advance.

If you're really close to her, you may just want to pull her aside and talk to her about her tactless response, before something happens, again... especially if she knows your brothers. She could end up saying something heartless in front of one of them, or worse yet, the mother-to-be.

[Chiasm]

Congrats Tangent.

I'm not an uncle and never will be (I'm an only child) but I am a parent. I never thought I'd like having kids til I had them. They are a lot of work but at the same time are worth every minute of it. And I imagine being an uncle would be even better because you get all the good stuff and don't have to deal with the bad nearly as much.

[west3man]

Congrats Tangent.

I'm not an uncle and never will be (I'm an only child) but I am a parent. I never thought I'd like having kids til I had them. They are a lot of work but at the same time are worth every minute of it. And I imagine being an uncle would be even better because you get all the good stuff and don't have to deal with the bad nearly as much.
Do you never plan to have a long-term significant other?

[tangentman]

Thank you all!

Indigo, malephoenix, and Chiasm: I'm definitely looking forward to spoiling the kid! We probably won't know for a while if it's a boy or girl, but I'm already plotting the gifts! Like y'all pointed out, I'll probably be the "cool uncle" who can show the child a good time at the mall/movies/wherever, then return him/her to my brother for the REAL parenting. LOL

malephoenix2: Years ago, I was friends with the youth pastor and his wife at the last church I attended. Our group was fairly tight-knit, and she went through numerous miscarriages trying to start a family. It's not my first time dealing with the topic, but it's made awkward by the current circumstances. Yeah, the manager is still feeling the impact severely--she brought it up when she called to confirm that I had the job. I'm not as close to her as my brother, so all I can say is "I'm sorry" when it comes up.

Funky, Spike, and west: Thanks for the show of solidarity! I agree with you both, but I also understand malephoenix's point. If I pass along the news, I'll try to do so in the spirit of giving GOOD news. People do strange things after a major loss, so I'm willing to let this one slide.

[west3man]

Thank you all!

Indigo, malephoenix, and Chiasm: I'm definitely looking forward to spoiling the kid! We probably won't know for a while if it's a boy or girl, but I'm already plotting the gifts! Like y'all pointed out, I'll probably be the "cool uncle" who can show the child a good time at the mall/movies/wherever, then return him/her to my brother for the REAL parenting. LOL

malephoenix2: Years ago, I was friends with the youth pastor and his wife at the last church I attended. Our group was fairly tight-knit, and she went through numerous miscarriages trying to start a family. It's not my first time dealing with the topic, but it's made awkward by the current circumstances. Yeah, the manager is still feeling the impact severely--she brought it up when she called to confirm that I had the job. I'm not as close to her as my brother, so all I can say is "I'm sorry" when it comes up.

Funky, Spike, and west: Thanks for the show of solidarity! I agree with you both, but I also understand malephoenix's point. If I pass along the news, I'll try to do so in the spirit of giving GOOD news. People do strange things after a major loss, so I'm willing to let this one slide.
Are you concerned at all that she'd say something like that to the parents-to-be, if they came around?

I guess my concern is that someone who shows no contrition for something is likely to do it, again. I've gotta say, it really pissed me off, just reading about it and I don't know ANYBODY involved in this situation. It clearly pissed you off, somewhat (among other things) and you're not the parent.

How very pissed would one or both parents be if she blurted out one of those tactless warnings in their presence? I'm picturing a meltdown.


Obviously, whatever you do is up to you. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm pestering you. Just wanted to put a little emphasis on this point. Hope that's okay.

[Solaris]

I found out today that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first baby! She called me while I was running an errand for my manager and gave me the basics. The news left me giddy and I'm eagerly anticipating being an uncle! :D It's the first grandchild for my parents, who are beside themselves with joy. I've already started consulting the nurses I know for medical advice for my S-I-L: take the necessary vitamins, get plenty of folic acid, that sorta thing. To sweeten the deal, we're expecting the baby around November or December.

Now, the weird part: I told the manager in question, because she knows both my brothers. I'm the oldest, she's good friends w/the middle brother, and has hung out with my youngest brother (he's the eager dad). She congratulated me and no more was said for a while. About an hour or so later, a guy who overheard us asked me if I was expecting the baby. I said, "No, it's my youngest brother, but I'm looking forward to being an uncle!" Then, my manager says "Don't count your baby until it's out and you see it breathing". She went on to refer to her miscarriage at the turn of the year, which threw glacial ice water on the conversation.

I was so stunned that I was speechless for almost half an hour. I felt awkward for bringing up a touchy subject, while also feeling pissed at her for souring the news. On the one hand, I wanted to apologize and tell her that I wasn't trying to be insensitive and rub my family's news in her face at her expense. OTOH, I wanted to chide her for bringing a dour note to what was a cause for joy in my family. I didn't say anything, but I honestly feel a resentment over someone throwing a pall over the first good news I've had in a long time.


TBH, she should've waited a few days to mention that... but I also can see how having recently gone through it herself, and maybe chiding herself for getting excited only to have it all fall apart, she might see saying it as a "helpful caution." Sorry she was a wet blanket for you.

Here's a risk I always bring up for pregnant women, because so many doctors simply don't bother telling them: Listeria. Granted, it doesn't happen very often, but for those who *do* contract it, it invariably results in a miscarriage... and to me, that alone makes it worth mentioning to the pregnant woman.

Go look it up online for specifics, but in general...

It's a food-borne bacterial infection that causes fever and flu-like symptoms in the mother. It also crosses the placental barrier and attacks (and kills) the fetus. It's most often contracted from unwashed or poorly washed fresh fruits and vegetables, from deli meats, and from unpasturized cheeses (mainly soft cheeses like Brie). Go look it up for better specifics. Main thing is, if the woman *knows* to be cautious with these foods (i.e. washing fresh veggies/fruits extra well, and avoiding non-pasteurized cheeses and deli meats, plus poorly-cooked meat of any kind), usually any woman can avoid it.

In other words, if she's not sure something is safe, don't eat it, no matter WHO prepared it.

[west3man]

TBH, she should've waited a few days to mention that... but I also can see how having recently gone through it herself, and maybe chiding herself for getting excited only to have it all fall apart, she might see saying it as a "helpful caution."
Gotta disagree.

Not only did she not have to say it WHEN she did, she didn't have to say it the WAY she did... or any way, at all. It's completely possible to caution without inspiring images of the still-born.

[tangentman]

Gotta disagree.

Not only did she not have to say it WHEN she did, she didn't have to say it the WAY she did... or any way, at all. It's completely possible to caution without inspiring images of the still-born.

It's about presentation when well-wishing folks give advice to new mothers. I gave two radically opposed examples of such advice: you put it aptly with the comment about "inspiring images of the still-born". Then, there's my friend (the nurse) who took a more positive approach--tell her to take the right vitamins and plenty of folic acid. One approach is ghastly and socially inept; the other carries good advice that promotes the well-being of mother & child.

Which, off-topic, I just KNOW my brother and sister-in-law will have the prettiest baby! :D

[FunkyGreenJerusalem]

Funky, Spike, and west: Thanks for the show of solidarity! I agree with you both, but I also understand malephoenix's point. If I pass along the news, I'll try to do so in the spirit of giving GOOD news. People do strange things after a major loss, so I'm willing to let this one slide.

Probably for the best.

I just thought it might raise a smile.

[west3man]

Which, off-topic, I just KNOW my brother and sister-in-law will have the prettiest baby! :D
PRETTY BABIES ARE ALWAYS ON-TOPIC, DAMMIT!