A cry for help from a writer

[CrossoverManiac]

I've been writing a story that I thought would be, for lack of a better term, kick ass. However, no one reads it. IOW, my story must suck. The thing is, I don't know how it sucks. So, I'm going to you to ask what do you want in a story? What do you want to see when you read any work of fiction? What do you expect from the characters as far as personality or the role they play in the story? What do you expect to see from the hero and villain of the story? Tell me so I can stop filling the internet with crappy stories.

[T51R]

Is this about Metadelinquents? :confused:

[CrossoverManiac]

Is this about Metadelinquents? :confused:

Am I that transparent :( ? Well, yes it is about Metadeliquents. But it's also about any and all future stories I will write.

[Solaris]

I've been writing a story that I thought would be, for lack of a better term, kick ass. However, no one reads it. IOW, my story must suck. The thing is, I don't know how it sucks. So, I'm going to you to ask what do you want in a story? What do you want to see when you read any work of fiction? What do you expect from the characters as far as personality or the role they play in the story? What do you expect to see from the hero and villain of the story? Tell me so I can stop filling the internet with crappy stories.


First, some of it depends on your subject matter and your audience. My favorite things to read are fantasy/scifi books, so most things that *aren't* that genre have to have a little bit more to catch my attention in the store, and/or get a really good recommend from someone.

Second, as far as books go, title and cover art *do* play a role in whether or not it catches my eye, and if I pick it up to check out more on the book.

Third, good blurbs on the back/flyleaf increase my interest. Not the "so n so recommends!" but the ones that actually give you a teaser for the story.

Now, for the story itself (like yours: something on the net with no illustrations or cover), title plays a part in generating initial interest. The title "Metadelinquents" doesn't get me. That may be what the story is about... but it's too close to lots of other titles, and by this point the terms "meta" and "delinquents" have been used far too often. Putting them together just creates a very long word with double boring factor.

Sometimes people use "made up" words, or a "made up name/power/etc." in or for their title. Again, this doesn't work very often... about the only time it does is when the word is alliterative of something else... like maybe a combination of terms, or a closeness to another word, and even then the response is "iffy"---it depends on whether or not the person "gets' it," and whether or not that word triggers interest. For example, an author might play on the word "ethereal" with the title "The Pan-Etherals." That's an example of one that might work, but personally, I don't know if I'd check it out or not.

Another point in catching the reader is your first line/paragraph.

Across the pitch black sky, a luminous aura streamed from one end of the horizon to the next. A bellowing thunder echoed between the walls of the building in the city. Along the background of pitch black and glowing neon were two specks of light darting back and forth, occasionally colliding with each other. Once or twice the points of lights would get close enough for the onlookers to see that they were two men, as brilliant as miniature suns, lock into mortal combat. One wore a red spandex uniform with yellow gloves and boots; on his chest were a star, scythe, and hammer. The other man was more elaborately decorated. His uniform was a dark blue spandex with black cape with a star pattern that seemed to change position depending upon the perspective of the observer. On his torso was a yellow line running down the center of his chest that began at a line running across his shoulders and end with a line running across his waist. The man in red was bloodied, his left eye swollen shut, and his right arm hung limp and twisted out of place, while his opponent only suffered a small scratch across his cheek. Despite this, the man in red wasn't ready to surrender to his adversary.

Okay. First, this paragraph is too long. Yes, sometimes stories have a long first paragraph... but the length emphasizes another problem with the paragraph: it's boring. You're trying to "set the scene" with the paragraph by giving an onlooker's viewpoint... and it's very dry and descriptive. We don't need to know, in the first 'graph, the details on their costumes, for example. The entire paragraph could be a description of a photograph found in an encyclopedia. It's not *immediate*. It's not *exciting*. It gives us *no personal connection*.

---see next post, this one was over the char. limit---

[Solaris]

Now, here's whatever help I can give, take it or leave it :D on how to work that first paragraph:

1. ALTER YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURE! Part of the reason it comes across as so dry is that you've got "Subject verb" type structure throughout. (Actually, you alternate it with... crap, I'm brainfarting on what you call the term, but words like "Once" "Across" "Over" "On", but you get what I mean. Every sentence starts either with one of those words, or a subject.) Sometimes you need to start a sentence with a verb-type, i.e. "Darting through the maze of buildings, our hero thwacked his head on a low awning and knocked himself out of the fight."

2. Try not to let *every* sentence be a looong one. Intersperse shorter sentences in with it. It gives a better flow for the eye, and for the inner mental voice of the person reading them.

3. Don't reuse a word or term in the same paragraph (or even on the same page) if you can avoid it. Seeing the same word used several times is boring. You seem to do pretty well with this one, but be careful of similar *phrases* too... i.e. "specks of light, points of light." One of those could've been described as "glowing motes", for example, and avoided the similarity in structure and rhythm. Anyway, this is why a thesaurus is so very valuable to writers... it helps keep you from repeating words, with the added value that even though some words mean basically the same thing, they often have a different "tone" or "flavor" that you can use to heighten the emotion, depending on which ones you use and how you use them.

4. Make the paragraph, especially the first line, an immediate "grabber" for the reader. You've GOT to gain their interest and attention right off the bat, because otherwise a lot of people will close the window on it.

5. Continue all these down through the story. For instance, though I haven't really read more than your first paragraph, I glanced at the first page, and saw several references to "the boy." That's boring and repetitive. If you're gonna get the kid in there, bring in a name for him, and use other words to describe him, too. "The boy" over and over makes him seem like a cardboard cut-out, as in "insert generic youth here." :D

What I've seen of your writing seems almost like a script for a movie, rather than a story, but without being specifically broken down and organized like a script. You're describing a tale, rather than causing the reader to EXPERIENCE the tale. There's no real "immediacy" to what I've read so far.

Now, I'm a big believer in examples, so I'm going to go read the first page, and then try to re-do your first paragraph or so to illustrate the kind of stuff I'm talking about. I'm no pro, and mine may not be a whole lot better than yours... but the idea is to give you an example of the techniques and approaches I'm talking about. YOU are the one who knows your entire story intimately, and YOU are the one who needs to ultimately rework the work, in your own voice. :) Anyway, here goes:

Darkness swept over the city, trailing the flying figure like a gigantic cloak. Facing him in the waning light of the noonday sun, a man hovered in mid-air, braced as if he would hold back the unnatural night by sheer will alone. As the sun succumbed to the magical veil, his body glowed brighter with unquenchable power and resolve.

"I cannot allow you to do this," he called in a stern voice.

His opponent chuckled. "Mentor, you never give up fighting for the lives of these puling maggots, do you? When will you learn that their TRUE purpose is to serve those such as I, the Supreme Soviet: a Master among children?" Insane jubilation gave his next words ultimate conviction: "I WILL DESTROY YOU! This time, I have gained the power I need to control the UNIVERSE!" and with that, he launched a torrent of corrosive energy from his eyes at the other's chest.

You see? I started it with a description, but one that involved action on the part of one character. I then described his opponent, our Hero, in such a way that it not only continued the description of the setting, it also gave us some idea of the *person* involved (his emotions, his stance... he was all set to oppose this guy bringing in the darkness, and from the darkness/light juxtaposition, you begin getting the idea right away that the guy sweeping in with darkness behind him is the villain, and the guy hovering in what's left of the sunlight is the Defender/good guy.

I also managed to work their names (I gave "Mentor" one, since you never said who he was at the beginning) via the interaction. You can also use the ACTION to convey the sensory descriptions (visual, auditory, etc.) for much of it, rather than saying things like "he wore a red outfit with a yellow star, sickle, and hammer on the chest." Personalizing it fairly quickly with names makes the characters more immediate.

That's about all for now, critique and suggestion-wise. I'm tapped out for the moment. Give your story a good rewrite (or several---after you rewrite the first time, let it lie a few days and then go back, because familiarity with it can eventually blind you to other changes you need to make). I do umpteen rewrites on a story before it's "finished"---something I learned in Comp. class. Also, once you've gotten it as good as you can get it, post it with the request for people to read it and pick it apart for you, and give you feedback. Many people are willing to do this, if you ask---and they can give you insights that you don't have, simply because they're a different set of eyes than yours. :)

Two other quick notes:

1. Further down the intro I saw that you had a couple of typos, and weren't being very careful with verb tense-agreement. Try to stay in the same tense, especially in the same paragraph.

"I have to leave." The superhero sounded distance.

"Leave?" He didn't understand why his mentor had to apologize for going somewhere unless... "How long are you going to be gone?"

"I'm not sure, but I can no longer be this world's protector." The man hugged his ward. He wiped a tear from his eye. "I only wished I could have stayed long enough and gave you some powers of your own like I wanted."



Changes: Distant, not "distance"; "I only wish I could have stayed long enough to give you powers of your own."


2. Do remember, too, that "concise and clear" are a good guideline. Use as few words as possible, and make those words the ones that carry the most impact and have the closest meaning. Those things add power to your writing.


I hope all that helps! Good luck, and bring your story back after you've reworked it, and I'll try to be around to give it a read.

PS---Don't forget to try a new title. From what I've read *so far* in the story, this prologue plays a big role in what comes after... so you might try something like "That Fatal Day" rather than "Metadelinquents," because apparently your world changed drastically on the day the Hero left, and his leaving affected everything afterwards. (Yes?)

[Gumbo Maximillian]

One thing that seems to be lacking is an indication of how the world's fallen since Mr. Impossible left, its called "A Return to a Golden Age" and starts off with the hero leaving and mentions its the first day of the side kicks life in hell.

But we don't really see how his life was like or what happened.

To be honest; I would he more interested in what went down in the years between then and the story itself.

Of course that could be argued to be a rip-off of "52".

[Gumbo Maximillian]

You are getting better though and I liked what you did with Diamond Joe.

[Gumbo Maximillian]

I've been writing a story that I thought would be, for lack of a better term, kick ass. However, no one reads it. IOW, my story must suck. The thing is, I don't know how it sucks. So, I'm going to you to ask what do you want in a story? What do you want to see when you read any work of fiction? What do you expect from the characters as far as personality or the role they play in the story? What do you expect to see from the hero and villain of the story? Tell me so I can stop filling the internet with crappy stories.

Decided to be more direct about the question and look at exactly what it is you are specifying.

First Question:

What do I want in a story?

To be entertained partially, to be amused if its comedic, to be made to think or shown different points of view I might not usually consider, to learn something new. To be sucked into a different world. Also try to surprise me.

What do I expect from Characters/personality inregards to the role they play in a story?

Well; I suppose consistency, unless it makes sense or its consistent for them to be inconsistent.

I expect them to actually make a point or emphasis something, if they are meant to represent an idea of concept they should actually do that, it doesn't have to be blatant, subtle's okay but it needs to do the job it is supposed to do.

What do I expect to see from a hero or villain of the story?

I suppose a hero at least tries to be moral or believes they are moral, of course every hero has a flaw (superman and his kryptonite) whether that be physical or mental I suppose is up in the air, though mental flaws are usually better.

The hero follows a journey of sorts, strives to do whats right, maybe he wins, maybe he fails, he does not have to be nice, just someone who lives by their code and keeps to it, though an interesting story can be written when they fail to keep to their code of honor or ethics for one reason or another.

The villain; where the hero is flawed in some way, the villain is noble in some way (note this is the main villain, someone who has a decent amount of story time, its not a need that the low level types be 3-d, doesn't hurt but not a given).

The Villain has an incredible work ethic and an almost unbreakable will; these are guys that no matter how many times they are defeated, no matter how many times they are betrayed, no matter how often their fortress are destroyed, plans stopped or suffer defeat, injury or even occasionally death.

They always come back, knock them down and they eventually will return.

In much the same way a hero is dedicated to good and living by a code, the villain is dedicated to satisfying his own wants (which can ironically enough be about living by a code) and needs.

A good villain is threatening, a good villain is also one that has a defensible argument for why they do something if they aren't just simple criminals or mobsters (though even they have their reasons for what they do).

Basically you know what the villain does is "wrong" but you can't actually make a good argument against it or in other words, were you in the position they are, you would do exactly the same thing.

Of course you being flawed doesn't mean it would be the "right" thing to do even then.

Ultimately perhaps the only thing seperating you and the villain may simply be that he threatens you and your own and despite whatever moral grey area there maybe, thats enough to justify taking him down.

Who knows the "villain" of the piece may actually be the one whose in the right, its just their reaction to their circumstances can't be allowed or they seek what they believe is justice and the hero is a big follower of the law.

Take your story; the Supreme Soviet doesn't have to be an evil guy, just a guy with different politic believes and out-look inregards to what is ultimately the best way to govern the human race, democracy or communism.

Its not that hard to make an argument for communism or socialism; in many ways the code of the american super-hero is probably errily similier, then there's always the whole "fascist" aspect of heroes that gets brought up now and again.

Basically when it comes down to it; think, think, and think again, after you are finished with the story re-read it and think about how you might go different or if something would better serve it if it went that way, don't be afraid of having to rewrite the whole thing if needed.

[CrossoverManiac]

Thanks for helping me see the flaws in my story. I will remedy the situation, though, I can't think of any names that could replace Metadeliquents right now. Hell, I used to call them The Brat Pack until I heard that DC Comics had a superhero group by the same name.

[CrossoverManiac]

You are getting better though and I liked what you did with Diamond Joe.

Thanks. BTW: do you know who Diamond Joe is a parody of :evilsmile

[Gumbo Maximillian]

Thanks. BTW: do you know who Diamond Joe is a parody of :evilsmile

I'm guessing Fabio.

[CrossoverManiac]

You guessed right.

[spazzy mcghee]

Where do you post your stories for people to read?

[CrossoverManiac]

Where do you post your stories for people to read?

Right here (http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1783058). Also, look on my signature.

[spazzy mcghee]

I registered and will try to upload some of my stuff tonight. I like your story. Solaris seems right on point about some things you could do. Your characters seem a little distant and what she said, certainly brings the reader closer to the story. Also the first couple lines / first paragraph is unequivocally the most important thing to catching someone's eye. It's a little long, and adding dialogue puts the reader right between the two characters having a conversation. Do you have someone to read your stuff befoer you post it? I use my wife, she loves to pick my stuff apart, but in the end it makes my work increasingly better. I also tend to leave the reader out of my stories. And when soemone says rewrite / revise, you really should leave it alone for a few days and then go back with fresh eyes.

Its good! A few tweaks here and there and I believe you would have yourself a killer story!

Also, thanks for the info! If you get a chance, and you have a few minutes, drop me a line on what you think about my stuff.

[Joe Bullseye]

You could always do something over the top like call it "The Irresponsible Associates". People will ask what's that all about if you put on a title that goes beyound what your stories are all about.

And try being more read between the lines. Being to foward leave no guess work and the image you paint can get boring if it leaves nothing to the imagination.

Read the first paragraph of moby dick. It helped me alot with my writing. Very inspiring.

here is something I just wrote as an example.
To the war my heart is drawn. I have bloodshed and gore infiltrating my darkest desires. Along with my brothers I shall either die or go unattended in my wounded body, crawling in the mud over bodies of the fallen. Cast out my hateful worldly glutens of sorrow and I will redeem myself upon your sword. To die in battle is the way of the warrior. You civilized people would not understand.

[Gumbo Maximillian]

One thing I noticed is I don't think you've updated since november of last year, if I'm not mistaken thats an issue too, always up-date as frequently as possible.

[CrossoverManiac]

How about Disfunctional Inc.?

[Joe Bullseye]

How about Disfunctional Inc.?

It is a much better title even if Inc. is a played out add on. See with me I look for words that are related to what the story tells then I find other words of the same meaning. Disfunctional is great. For the second word though I would do something like Company. It is replacing Inc. or team. Sounds military. Disfunctional Company. Now if it sounds corny then keep looking. The Disfunctional Collective. See it is a word game.

[Mark Wallace]

I've been writing a story that I thought would be, for lack of a better term, kick ass.
I've had a quick go-through of the first chunk. If it's your first major project, it's very good (I'm impressed by the punctuation, at least), but it needs a lot of work, if you want to keep people reading.

I've uploaded a proof of it here:
http://mwallace.net/m-pages/Metadelinquents-MW01.doc

If you open that in Word, and set it to show changes, you'll see the amendments and comments I've made.

Keep it up. Your idea, plot, and approach are all fine; it's paced well; and it's all original -- those are big plusses. You just need to fine-tune the way you communicate your ideas to the reader.