Impossible Standards

[PatrickG]

I've heard it said (a lot lately) that I have impossible standards in terms of relationships; I'm starting to wonder if that's true or if I'm just communication impaired.

I'm told a LOT that I have impossibly high standards. I think, in part, people get caught up in my lofty talk and don't realize that plenty of women (although still a relatively small number, I suppose) are people who I have such a high opinion of that they actually are worthy of the lofty talk as far as I'm concerned.

I was pretty shocked recently when I made a comment, in front of a female friend, that I hadn't been dating because I didn't have prospects who were interested. She instantly cut in with, "How do you KNOW you don't have prospects?"

Which made me wonder what she knew that I didn't... But I didn't press the issue.

Anyway, I went to dinner with some friends and one of them pointed out a girl who was supposedly interested in me.

As it turns out, this girl was somebody I must have had a class or two with but she wasn't someone I remembered at all. I tend to speak up in class. I associate with the kind of people who speak up in class. People who quietly take notes don't register with me mentally... and it always bothers me when these people remember me but give me no frame of reference to remember them.

Anyway, I took one look at the girl and... well, wasn't interested. Granted, she wasn't someone I found physically attractive at all... But I just didn't see a spark there. I like loud people, talkative people. She looked... docile, pleasantly giggling and clapping her hands.

I want depth. A dark side. Cunning. Ambition. Intellect. Drive.

I didn't see that in this girl. So I excused myself. I was already weirded out by someone who knew me whom I didn't know. And she lost more points as she conspicuously pretended to read a newspaper while turning around to watch me walk by.

I felt like I was being stalked.

I feel bad because it was a combination of physical factors (which seems shallow) and aesthetic factors (which seems demanding) that made me decide not to say anything to this girl.

Meanwhile, I'm always crushing on female friends who are in relationships. Which I think I handle well because I try not to act on or indicate my feelings towards them. If I do at all, it's usually just by being a little extra flustered around them. But then I see other guys make advances on them and woo them out of their relationships. Which confuses me.

More confusing still, my father and my mother got together because my father more or less went up to her boyfriend and told him he was going to ask her out. My best friend from high school got together with his wife when she was dating one of his close friends.

So... I don't want to be pursued exactly... and I feel honor-bound not to pursue the ones I do like.

Are my standards too high? If so, where should I make the break?

I won't date somebody who I don't feel some kind of attraction and proximity with. If that means a life of celibacy, I honestly have no qualms signing up for just that.

But I feel proximity for people who are friends and/or who are in relationships. Granted, I am talking about people in crappy or long distance relationships but they're still relationships. And if I don't respect other people's relationships, I have no right to expect mine to be honored.

Is this a catch-22? Are my standards impossible? Am I not communicating on the right wavelength?

This doesn't need to be entirely about my situation. I want to hear everyone's thoughts and stories on "impossibly high standards" but if you have anything to contribute to my situation, feel free...

[Paul McEnery]

No, no, really, no one is worthy of you.

Can I have your women?

[Trystenn]

No, no, really, no one is worthy of you.

Can I have your women?
I did not know you were into women?

[Paul McEnery]

I did not know you were into women?
Biyatch!

I was so close!

[Trystenn]

Biyatch!

I was so close!
Your lucky my Comp went screwy on me is all ;)

[PatrickG]

No, no, really, no one is worthy of you.

Can I have your women?

If I had any, I'd be willing to spare all but one. :)

If I came off as cocky in that ramble, maybe that answers my question...

[blackdragon6]

i have high standards when it comes to personality.when i got older i started to care less about looks and way more about personality.

[PatrickG]

See, I care MORE about personality/IQ/etc.

But there has to be some level of physical attraction, right?

I mean, I'm just not physically attracted to most people. I mean, most people? Kissing them would just be like kissing a brick wall.

Maybe I just have a low libido but I've had long kisses that were apparently good for the other person that, to me, were about as fulfilling as sucking on a bread roll. Physical contact just doesn't excite me unless I'm just totally into a girl as an individual.

[i_mmmchocolate]

See, I care MORE about personality/IQ/etc.

But there has to be some level of physical attraction, right?

I mean, I'm just not physically attracted to most people. I mean, most people? Kissing them would just be like kissing a brick wall.

I think my standards might be very high too. I see it as a good thing though: I don't want to 'settle' because I know what I'm looking for in a partner.

Edit: physical attraction is very important, I don't care what anyone says.

Physical contact just doesn't excite me unless I'm just totally into a girl as an individual.

Same for me, except substitute 'guy' where 'girl' is.

[Jeff Brady]

I have extremely high standards; I'm attracted to women who are attracted to me (and single).

I have to fight them off with a stick, I tells ya!















I'm so lonely!

[nubly]

i dont think theres any such thing as 'too high standards'. physical attraction is important. but so is personality. and you'll be surprise when you get to know someone who you thought was not attractive that you start to get attracted to. there has to be a certain attraction but personality is just as important

[Winslow]

Edit: physical attraction is very important, I don't care what anyone says.

Yup. Eros love (or plainly said, physical lust) gets dissed as "shallow" often on message boards. I say its a great part of life in the context of a relationship.

My advice? Lighten up and have fun. And pursue any and all possibilities for relationships.

[Calybos]

Patrick, one thing I'd point out is that you're equating "loud, talkative people" with depth and intellect, ambition, and a lot of other things.

A tendency to talk a lot has nothing to do with those traits (as a quick glance at many of our politicians proves). And if you truly ARE attracted to intelligent people, you're missing out by ignoring the quiet ones.

[Shellhead]

Patrick, one thing I'd point out is that you're equating "loud, talkative people" with depth and intellect, ambition, and a lot of other things.

A tendency to talk a lot has nothing to do with those traits (as a quick glance at many of our politicians proves). And if you truly ARE attracted to intelligent people, you're missing out by ignoring the quiet ones.

Great points. To the above, I would add that the quiet ones can become very talkative and expressive when they are around people they trust and care about. In fact, since they don't talk to most people, they tend to talk a lot to the people they do talk with.

[i_mmmchocolate]

Great points. To the above, I would add that the quiet ones can become very talkative and expressive when they are around people they trust and care about. In fact, since they don't talk to most people, they tend to talk a lot to the people they do talk with.

That's totally me. The more people get to know me, the more talkative I get.

[Ayo]

my father and my mother got together because my father more or less went up to her boyfriend and told him he was going to ask her out.

You should do that.

I don't mean exactly that, but take more initiative in your pursuit! They're not going to necessarily show up at your doorstep.

[nubly]

You should do that.

I don't mean exactly that, but take more initiative in your pursuit! They're not going to necessarily show up at your doorstep.
have to disagree. if she leaves him for you, who is to say she wont leave you for someone else. plenty of single ladies out there

[Harold of the Rocks]

I tend to speak up in class. I associate with the kind of people who speak up in class. People who quietly take notes don't register with me mentally... and it always bothers me when these people remember me but give me no frame of reference to remember them.

Anyway, I took one look at the girl and... well, wasn't interested. Granted, she wasn't someone I found physically attractive at all... But I just didn't see a spark there. I like loud people, talkative people. She looked... docile, pleasantly giggling and clapping her hands.

I want depth. A dark side. Cunning. Ambition. Intellect. Drive.

I didn't see that in this girl. So I excused myself. I was already weirded out by someone who knew me whom I didn't know. And she lost more points as she conspicuously pretended to read a newspaper while turning around to watch me walk by.

I felt like I was being stalked.

I won't date somebody who I don't feel some kind of attraction and proximity with. If that means a life of celibacy, I honestly have no qualms signing up for just that.You do see the flaw in your 'standards' and characterisitics you want, right?I want depth. A dark side. Cunning. Ambition. Intellect. Drive.For god's sake man! You do want the silent note-taker! Don't you see?Dark side - check -- doesn't get any darker than the silent 'plotters'. See, they're hiding something. Being outspoken or talkative means you are revealing more about yourself -- probably more than you intend.Cunning - check (see above)Ambition - check (observing and learning quietly does not mean one doesn't have high goals, just as being outspoken means one does...)Intellect - checkDrive - check (same as ambition).What you need to find is the pent-up angst filled librarian that has the S&M room. Sounds like a match made in heaven for you!!

All kidding aside (actually, I'm not kidding -- find that dominatrix-librarian now), there's nothing wrong with having demanding standards. As long as they are grounded in reality. I totally get your celibacy comment, in that my standards have changed since my relationship with my wife ended. I want honesty, integrity, and compassion. And I wanted those when I first met my wife. But now, I understand that there are different manifestations of these, and while my ex is a damn fine woman, I wouldn't want to go back to someone like her. You see, I learned that in trying to impress her, I wasn't being honest with myself as to who or what I am. In turn, I was deceiving her (unbeknownst to me at the time, but still fundamentally dishonest). In other words, I want to be accepted for what I am, not what I was perceiving myself to be. I am now working on developing a relationship with a really wonderful woman who ironically has almost all of the same traits as the former Mrs.Harold -- yet is nothing like her on other levels. You see, now I know myself better, and so it is easier to be genuinely honest and feel or sense that being reciprocated. Another example -- I enjoy people who are brutally honest and express themselves freely. Mrs. Harold used to tell me to "shut up" because she wanted me to... but she also did so with malice (she wanted to hurt my feelings to a degree). My current friend will also tell me to "shut up", but I can sense the difference that there is no malice. She just wants me to stop talking for a little. Same traits, honesty and straightforwardness... just slightly (yet significantly) different motives behind them (by the way, take a guess which is more likely to 'shut me up'? The latter, of course). And I just want to be around this gal because it makes me feel good to be with her and to have her want me around. So I can empathize with the thought of celibacy with the 'right person'. Not to say I wouldn't be bouncin' off the walls if she wanted to advance things into the sexual arena... but I could live without it if it meant having a lifelong relationship with her.

There are other women who are more beautiful, charitable, intelligent, successful, wealthy, 'moral', etc. The list goes on and on... but my standards are not on an absolute 'scale' anymore... they are about what is right for me, and what feels right. So in that sense, those women may not meet my standards despite having 'more' of a given trait that I consider important. It is the combination and balance said individual possesses, and their attitude towards me and my values that matters most. Great thread, hopefully you sort it out and find 'what you're looking for'. Also, stay true to your standards and values... and if no one can meet those, maybe you were meant to be alone. That's no crime, either. Peace. :)

[Dr. Hfuhruhurr]

Same for me, except substitute 'guy' where 'girl' is.

Wrong thread.

[Night]

Edit" doube post sorry

[Night]

Yup. Eros love (or plainly said, physical lust) gets dissed as "shallow" often on message boards. I say its a great part of life in the context of a relationship.

My advice? Lighten up and have fun. And pursue any and all possibilities for relationships. For you that's great, if you have a partner who's compatible with those standards. However, it seems you're doing what you don't like by dissing another's attraction curve.

However, saying that and combining with what Harold said, you need to give them time to show them who they are. The problem with being attracted to personality is that personality rarely show it's true face in the flirting stage. We're all so false then.... even if we don't mean to be. She was giggly and such probably because her mind was being temporarily poisoned by hormones.

[Ayo]

have to disagree. if she leaves him for you, who is to say she wont leave you for someone else. plenty of single ladies out there

It worked for his mom and dad. It DOES work for some people, you know.