Sean Whitmore
02-11-2006, 07:00 PM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/9737_27454_1.jpg
(Don't miss our spoof of the first issue (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=104881) and the third issue (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=120431&highlight=mst3k)!)
EXT. MOUNTAINS
The Batmobile streaks across the rain-slicked road, its high beams cutting a swath through the darkness. A tiny little bunny leaps out of the way to avoid being run over.
(Horrified) He almost hit the bunny! The cute widdle bunny!!!
It’s foreshadowing! Can All-Star Mad Hatter be far behind?
BATMAN (V.O.): “From up HERE, Gotham City is BEAUTIFUL.”
(Tough-guy voice) Like a whore made of metal and glass, that glows in the dark.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Beautiful. Like EDGAR ALLEN POE’S sweet LENORE, before her small COUGH brought a spot of BLOOD to her lip and the poet KNEW she was PLAUGED. DOOMED.”
Holy Christ, Batman somehow managed to make "The Raven" even MORE depressing.
That’s why he’s Batman.
BATMAN (V.O.): “There’s no SIGN of the DRY ROT that eats at the BONES of my city. Not from up here.”
No, no, wait…I see some…
BATMAN (V.O.): “I’ve just KIDNAPPED a traumatized youngster.”
Ah, must be Friday.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Strong boy. For his age, he’s damn strong.”
DICK (O.P.): Mmff!
Especially his jaw--
PLEASE don’t finish that thought.
INT. BATMOBILE
Batman clasps his hand over Dick’s nose and mouth. The boy’s eyes widen with horror.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Dick Grayson. AERIALIST. Twelve years old. Brave boy.”
Geez, Batman, are you writing a book? Mind your business!
BATMAN (V.O.): “Damn strong. Not that he’s got a PRAYER of ESCAPING my GRIP--”
None of them ever do…
Stifle yourself, willya!
Tiny jets in the top of Batman’s glove emit a green gas into Dick’s face.
That’s a good place to keep your gas jets, as long as you don’t, y’know, punch anyone ever.
SFX: SSSSSSS
DICK: “Ngg! Hukk!”
BATMAN (V.O.): “--but he’s STRONG. Very promising. He just might DO. He just MIGHT.”
If not, he goes in the cellar with the others.
EXT. GULCH
CAPTION: MEANWHILE
Best caption EVER.
CAPTION: ALFRED PENNYWORTH.
Aerialist. Age twelve.
Alfred, bleeding from a wound on his cheek, is tearing his shirt into strips with his teeth.
ALFRED: “Here now, dear. Here now. Be still. Don’t fuss.”
Having been stranded in the woods, Alfred is forced to eat his companion’s clothes.
CAPTION: Combat physician, Royal Air Force, retired. Special operative, Her Majesty’s Secret Service, retired.
George Lazenby?
CAPTION: Personal aide to billionaire Bruce Wayne. Not retired.
Well, that was a little redundant, thanks, Frank.
VICKI: “Hnnh?...Khoff!”
CAPTION: Just getting started.
Alfred ties strips of his shirt around Vicki Vale’s arm, which is also bleeding heavily.
ALFRED: “Don’t try to get up. You’ve been injured. You’ve lost a fair bit of blood. More than a fair bit, to be honest. Help is on its way. But first let’s staunch that wound.”
VICKI: “Wha…whahappen?...”
Yeah, come to think of it, what the hell DID happen?
Were they on fire last issue and we just didn’t notice it?
Alfred helps Vicki to a sitting position and leans her against a tree. Scattered behind them are the bodies of policemen, pieces of squad cars, and the flaming wreckage of Bruce Wayne’s limousine.
ALFRED: “You’ve been in a touch of an accident.”
WHAT accident?
Did…did Batman drive THROUGH the limousine? Did he destroy his own car, with Alfred and Vicki IN it? Because I have to say, that would be awesome.
ALFRED: “I’m afraid you’ve been banged up rather badly, Miss Vale.”
She’s USED to it--!
Hey, now.
ALFRED: “No. Don’t move. Your collar bone is shattered. Don’t make it worse. Any movement by you will make it worse.”
VICKI: “Wait. Wait. I remember…I remember it all…”
(Weakly) E…even the stuff that happened off-panel…
VICKI: “…I remember every goddamn thing. Every goddamn moment.”
Gotta love the flowery prose of a professional journalist.
VICKI: “I remember the kid. Dick Grayson. Age twelve.”
What the hell is everyone concerned with his age for? Is twelve the age of consent in Gotham, or something?
ALFRED: “Don’t move. Don’t move. You’ll only hurt yourself. Stop now, love. Don’t go bleeding all over yourself. It’s very important that you stop bleeding all over yourself.”
(British accent) Next contestant: Alfred Pennyworth from Torquay, special subject: the bleedin’ obvious.
VICKI: “I saw it all. Dick Grayson. Age twelve. He was brilliant. Brilliant…”
The funny thing is that Dick is really only eleven.
Vicki thinks back to the circus, where Dick was somersaulting effortlessly through the air. Then she remembers Dick watching in horror as his parents are both shot in the head.
CAPTION: Vicki Vale. Columnist. Bearing witness.
The word of a sexpot is the word of the lord.
VICKI: “…somebody murdered his parents. Right before his eyes. Brutally. Brutally. It was brutal.”
It took her three tries to conjugate that adjective.
VICKI: “…I saw every last damn moment of it. It doesn’t make any sense, but I saw it. I saw it. It was brutal. Brutal. It was brutal.”
Two years of journalism, one year of English Lit.
Gotham Community College has a lot to answer for.
ALFRED: “You’re in shock, Miss Vale.”
She’s not used to having this much clothes on.
ALFRED: “Breathe deep. Steady, now. Breathe deep.”
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/AlfredVicki.jpg
“The Sexpot and the Servant”, a new mini series coming to A & E.
VICKI: “The cops. The damn Gotham cops. They stole him. They stole Dick Grayson. They stole him. Like they had something to hide.”
Well, they might’ve been trying to hide the fact that they were kidnapping him.
VICKI: “And then he showed up, like something from a horror movie…”
Vicki leans closer to Alfred and hisses at him.
VICKI: “…Batman.”
Wonder why she dropped the hyphen and the “goddamn”?
Probably just to save time.
ALFRED: “Settle down, love. You’re still bleeding.”
(German accent) Ze Band-Aid, she does nussing!
Vicki has a hazy flashback of Batman grabbing Dick and tossing him unceremoniously into the Batmobile.
VICKI: “Batman--he kidnapped that boy! Why? Why?”
Vicki’s eyes roll into the top of her head, and she faints.
The act of thinking caused her to burst a blood vessel.
Vicki collapses into Alfred’s waiting arms.
Goddamn, Alfred is cut!
Alfred left his job posing for Harlequin romance novel covers to work for Bruce Wayne.
Lightning strikes overhead.
SFX: KRAAAAAAKKKK
Whoa, I thought we were in a Hammer movie for a second there.
EXT. FOREST
A swarm of bats streak through the night sky.
SFX: SKEE SKEE SKEEECH SKEE SKEE SKEEECH SKEE
BATMAN (V.O.): “My world.”
The new hit single by ‘Batman and the Deftones’.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Welcome to MY world, Dick Grayson. BATS and RATS and WARTS and all.”
Warts?
After the bat flew through his window, a frog got in.
BATMAN (V.O.): “You poor boy. You poor little bastard.”
Interesting fact; that’s how Batman addresses all orphans.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Welcome to HELL. Hell. Or the next best thing.”
Wow, it’s like Batman is reviewing his own comic.
INT. BATMOBILE
Batman takes his hand away from Dick’s mouth. The boy slumps over in the passenger seat, drooling slightly.
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/BatmanGas.jpg
Jesus Christ, how long have they been driving? Batman was clean shaven last issue and now he’s got, like, two days worth of stubble on his face!
It’s part of his disguise. He applies all the hairs to his face one at a time, with crazy glue.
Where does he get the hair?
Criminals.
BATMAN (V.O.): “The GAS calms him down in the space of SECONDS. He won’t be having any NIGHTMARES. Not the kind that aren’t TRUE, anyway. Then he starts FUSSING.”
Are we THERE yet? Are we there YET?
DICK: “Who the hell are y…”
BATMAN (V.O.): “The GAS was supposed to knock him OUT. His brain ought to be sailing past the MOON, right now. What’s this brat MADE out of?”
Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.
He’s coated in the armor of his parents’ blood and brain matter.
BATMAN: “Sleep, kid…”
(Don't miss our spoof of the first issue (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=104881) and the third issue (http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=120431&highlight=mst3k)!)
EXT. MOUNTAINS
The Batmobile streaks across the rain-slicked road, its high beams cutting a swath through the darkness. A tiny little bunny leaps out of the way to avoid being run over.
(Horrified) He almost hit the bunny! The cute widdle bunny!!!
It’s foreshadowing! Can All-Star Mad Hatter be far behind?
BATMAN (V.O.): “From up HERE, Gotham City is BEAUTIFUL.”
(Tough-guy voice) Like a whore made of metal and glass, that glows in the dark.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Beautiful. Like EDGAR ALLEN POE’S sweet LENORE, before her small COUGH brought a spot of BLOOD to her lip and the poet KNEW she was PLAUGED. DOOMED.”
Holy Christ, Batman somehow managed to make "The Raven" even MORE depressing.
That’s why he’s Batman.
BATMAN (V.O.): “There’s no SIGN of the DRY ROT that eats at the BONES of my city. Not from up here.”
No, no, wait…I see some…
BATMAN (V.O.): “I’ve just KIDNAPPED a traumatized youngster.”
Ah, must be Friday.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Strong boy. For his age, he’s damn strong.”
DICK (O.P.): Mmff!
Especially his jaw--
PLEASE don’t finish that thought.
INT. BATMOBILE
Batman clasps his hand over Dick’s nose and mouth. The boy’s eyes widen with horror.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Dick Grayson. AERIALIST. Twelve years old. Brave boy.”
Geez, Batman, are you writing a book? Mind your business!
BATMAN (V.O.): “Damn strong. Not that he’s got a PRAYER of ESCAPING my GRIP--”
None of them ever do…
Stifle yourself, willya!
Tiny jets in the top of Batman’s glove emit a green gas into Dick’s face.
That’s a good place to keep your gas jets, as long as you don’t, y’know, punch anyone ever.
SFX: SSSSSSS
DICK: “Ngg! Hukk!”
BATMAN (V.O.): “--but he’s STRONG. Very promising. He just might DO. He just MIGHT.”
If not, he goes in the cellar with the others.
EXT. GULCH
CAPTION: MEANWHILE
Best caption EVER.
CAPTION: ALFRED PENNYWORTH.
Aerialist. Age twelve.
Alfred, bleeding from a wound on his cheek, is tearing his shirt into strips with his teeth.
ALFRED: “Here now, dear. Here now. Be still. Don’t fuss.”
Having been stranded in the woods, Alfred is forced to eat his companion’s clothes.
CAPTION: Combat physician, Royal Air Force, retired. Special operative, Her Majesty’s Secret Service, retired.
George Lazenby?
CAPTION: Personal aide to billionaire Bruce Wayne. Not retired.
Well, that was a little redundant, thanks, Frank.
VICKI: “Hnnh?...Khoff!”
CAPTION: Just getting started.
Alfred ties strips of his shirt around Vicki Vale’s arm, which is also bleeding heavily.
ALFRED: “Don’t try to get up. You’ve been injured. You’ve lost a fair bit of blood. More than a fair bit, to be honest. Help is on its way. But first let’s staunch that wound.”
VICKI: “Wha…whahappen?...”
Yeah, come to think of it, what the hell DID happen?
Were they on fire last issue and we just didn’t notice it?
Alfred helps Vicki to a sitting position and leans her against a tree. Scattered behind them are the bodies of policemen, pieces of squad cars, and the flaming wreckage of Bruce Wayne’s limousine.
ALFRED: “You’ve been in a touch of an accident.”
WHAT accident?
Did…did Batman drive THROUGH the limousine? Did he destroy his own car, with Alfred and Vicki IN it? Because I have to say, that would be awesome.
ALFRED: “I’m afraid you’ve been banged up rather badly, Miss Vale.”
She’s USED to it--!
Hey, now.
ALFRED: “No. Don’t move. Your collar bone is shattered. Don’t make it worse. Any movement by you will make it worse.”
VICKI: “Wait. Wait. I remember…I remember it all…”
(Weakly) E…even the stuff that happened off-panel…
VICKI: “…I remember every goddamn thing. Every goddamn moment.”
Gotta love the flowery prose of a professional journalist.
VICKI: “I remember the kid. Dick Grayson. Age twelve.”
What the hell is everyone concerned with his age for? Is twelve the age of consent in Gotham, or something?
ALFRED: “Don’t move. Don’t move. You’ll only hurt yourself. Stop now, love. Don’t go bleeding all over yourself. It’s very important that you stop bleeding all over yourself.”
(British accent) Next contestant: Alfred Pennyworth from Torquay, special subject: the bleedin’ obvious.
VICKI: “I saw it all. Dick Grayson. Age twelve. He was brilliant. Brilliant…”
The funny thing is that Dick is really only eleven.
Vicki thinks back to the circus, where Dick was somersaulting effortlessly through the air. Then she remembers Dick watching in horror as his parents are both shot in the head.
CAPTION: Vicki Vale. Columnist. Bearing witness.
The word of a sexpot is the word of the lord.
VICKI: “…somebody murdered his parents. Right before his eyes. Brutally. Brutally. It was brutal.”
It took her three tries to conjugate that adjective.
VICKI: “…I saw every last damn moment of it. It doesn’t make any sense, but I saw it. I saw it. It was brutal. Brutal. It was brutal.”
Two years of journalism, one year of English Lit.
Gotham Community College has a lot to answer for.
ALFRED: “You’re in shock, Miss Vale.”
She’s not used to having this much clothes on.
ALFRED: “Breathe deep. Steady, now. Breathe deep.”
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/AlfredVicki.jpg
“The Sexpot and the Servant”, a new mini series coming to A & E.
VICKI: “The cops. The damn Gotham cops. They stole him. They stole Dick Grayson. They stole him. Like they had something to hide.”
Well, they might’ve been trying to hide the fact that they were kidnapping him.
VICKI: “And then he showed up, like something from a horror movie…”
Vicki leans closer to Alfred and hisses at him.
VICKI: “…Batman.”
Wonder why she dropped the hyphen and the “goddamn”?
Probably just to save time.
ALFRED: “Settle down, love. You’re still bleeding.”
(German accent) Ze Band-Aid, she does nussing!
Vicki has a hazy flashback of Batman grabbing Dick and tossing him unceremoniously into the Batmobile.
VICKI: “Batman--he kidnapped that boy! Why? Why?”
Vicki’s eyes roll into the top of her head, and she faints.
The act of thinking caused her to burst a blood vessel.
Vicki collapses into Alfred’s waiting arms.
Goddamn, Alfred is cut!
Alfred left his job posing for Harlequin romance novel covers to work for Bruce Wayne.
Lightning strikes overhead.
SFX: KRAAAAAAKKKK
Whoa, I thought we were in a Hammer movie for a second there.
EXT. FOREST
A swarm of bats streak through the night sky.
SFX: SKEE SKEE SKEEECH SKEE SKEE SKEEECH SKEE
BATMAN (V.O.): “My world.”
The new hit single by ‘Batman and the Deftones’.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Welcome to MY world, Dick Grayson. BATS and RATS and WARTS and all.”
Warts?
After the bat flew through his window, a frog got in.
BATMAN (V.O.): “You poor boy. You poor little bastard.”
Interesting fact; that’s how Batman addresses all orphans.
BATMAN (V.O.): “Welcome to HELL. Hell. Or the next best thing.”
Wow, it’s like Batman is reviewing his own comic.
INT. BATMOBILE
Batman takes his hand away from Dick’s mouth. The boy slumps over in the passenger seat, drooling slightly.
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y245/whitmore_sean/BatmanGas.jpg
Jesus Christ, how long have they been driving? Batman was clean shaven last issue and now he’s got, like, two days worth of stubble on his face!
It’s part of his disguise. He applies all the hairs to his face one at a time, with crazy glue.
Where does he get the hair?
Criminals.
BATMAN (V.O.): “The GAS calms him down in the space of SECONDS. He won’t be having any NIGHTMARES. Not the kind that aren’t TRUE, anyway. Then he starts FUSSING.”
Are we THERE yet? Are we there YET?
DICK: “Who the hell are y…”
BATMAN (V.O.): “The GAS was supposed to knock him OUT. His brain ought to be sailing past the MOON, right now. What’s this brat MADE out of?”
Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.
He’s coated in the armor of his parents’ blood and brain matter.
BATMAN: “Sleep, kid…”