should your cousin know his spouse hit on you?

[nubly]

three years ago when i moved to vegas, my cousin's spouse got me a job with the company she was then working for. usually you can tell when a woman is interested in you by her body language and facial expressions. when she said my cousin didnt want to go to the christmas party and asked me to go with her, i said my girlfriend wouldnt like that. i didnt think much of anything because this was just a job to hold me down while i looked for a job in my field. after i quit this job, i didnt see her for awhile.

over the weekend, my cousin had a party and invited me to it. normally i dont go but another cousin of ours, who i havent seen in years, was going to be there. after i left my cousins wife said she would walk me out to my car. she then said shes been attracted to me and asked me if i wanted to get a hotel room tomorrow when my cousins at work. it caught me by surprise that she said that so i didnt really knew what to say. i just said i was busy tomorrow and left.

should i just ignore this or should my cousin need to know? im not really close to him but if my partner wanted to cheat on me, i would like to know. but how do you tell a man his lady wants to be unfaithful without him thinking youre BSing?

[SUPERECWFAN1]

Well its gonna cause problems regardless. If you tell him odds are he won't believe you. They have been a couple for years and he'll think your saying it to BS him.

The only way ya can prove it is to have proof. Like having your gf sit in a closet in the motel and film her meeting you. Then before it gets serious have you 2 confront her. This way you can have proof to show your cousin. And he'll have to believe you.

If she's done this with you imagine how many other men she's fucked while your cousin was away. He would want to know and its best to nail her before he gets so commited to her .

[Arrjay]

Oh shit. That's some serious freakin' drama no matter what you do.

[Rae Rodriguez]

If you don't see them all that much, let it slide this time. What's the point if she's not going to see you again any time soon? However, if there is a next time, rat her out.

As for how to go about telling your cousin, I wish I could help there. People tend to have such fragile pride when it comes to situations like this; I've never known how to handle it.

[That JonoGuy]

I say just go out and tell him. Whether or not he believes you, he'll at least heard you. After that, leave it to him whether to act or not. Just my opinion.

[JuggernautRM]

Tell your girlfriend first, ask for her opinion, and you both go tell your cousin about it.

[milhouse123321]

At least your cousin didnt hit on you

[StoneGold]

At least your cousin didnt hit on you
I dunno, knowing Nubly, he'd probably be into that shit.

[Mike Smith]

Maybe it was an elaborate ploy to test your loyalty.

[Flawless P]

Maybe it was an elaborate ploy to test your loyalty.
And if not you can set up an elaborate sting operation.

[nubly]

i dont have a girlfriend anymore. it was in the winter of '03 that i worked with my cousins spouse. after i quit that job the next time i saw her was this past weekend. i dont know how long they've been married but its at least four years. they just had their second child a few months ago

[Solaris]

Tell your girlfriend first, ask for her opinion, and you both go tell your cousin about it.


You know, that's not a bad idea. It IS a bad situation any way it goes, but taking your gf along to tell him shows that you're serious, and that (hopefully he'll understand) that you aren't trying to bust them up for some reason.

Still, odds are that he'll get mad at YOU, and not believe you... and quite likely will believe whatever denial she gives him.

Point is, if you tell him, you've done your duty to your own conscience... and, if she's the play-around type, he'll remember it later when he *does* get proof.

[FunkyGreenJerusalem]

The only way ya can prove it is to have proof. Like having your gf sit in a closet in the motel and film her meeting you. Then before it gets serious have you 2 confront her. This way you can have proof to show your cousin. And he'll have to believe you.


I was with you for that first sentance, but not after that.

Have the gf in the closet with a camera, have her spring out, then have some serious fun.
How oftne do you really get to live out a porno plot?

[FunkyGreenJerusalem]

she then said shes been attracted to me and asked me if i wanted to get a hotel room tomorrow when my cousins at work. it caught me by surprise that she said that so i didnt really knew what to say. i just said i was busy tomorrow and left.


She was being really forward there if you hadn't shown any signs of attraction... I mean she went straight to suggesting a hotel room - what made her think you'd be intrested, or that you wouldnt rat her out?

[Winslow]

That's wierd.

I have no idea what I'd do. I guess it depends . . .

Most likely I'd try to point out how hurtful her infidelity would be to my cousin, and urge her to get some counseling. If she just had a kid two months ago, she may be going through some post-partum depression - and she's not really herself. Give her a chance to get her act together.

If she's cheated on your cousin before, and you're aware of it, then I'd tell him.

[west3man]

three years ago when i moved to vegas, my cousin's spouse got me a job with the company she was then working for. usually you can tell when a woman is interested in you by her body language and facial expressions. when she said my cousin didnt want to go to the christmas party and asked me to go with her, i said my girlfriend wouldnt like that. i didnt think much of anything because this was just a job to hold me down while i looked for a job in my field. after i quit this job, i didnt see her for awhile.

over the weekend, my cousin had a party and invited me to it. normally i dont go but another cousin of ours, who i havent seen in years, was going to be there. after i left my cousins wife said she would walk me out to my car. she then said shes been attracted to me and asked me if i wanted to get a hotel room tomorrow when my cousins at work. it caught me by surprise that she said that so i didnt really knew what to say. i just said i was busy tomorrow and left.

should i just ignore this or should my cousin need to know? im not really close to him but if my partner wanted to cheat on me, i would like to know. but how do you tell a man his lady wants to be unfaithful without him thinking youre BSing?First, I'd call the house or something, with an audio recording device ready, and if she, without prompting, hit on me, again, I'd record it. If the recording turns out well enough to discern who's speaking and what she's saying, I'd talk to my cousin some place where she isn't likely to intrude.

I'd talk to him very casually about the situation, but I wouldn't tell him it's about him. I'd tell him I don't know what to do and would ask, "Would YOU want to know, in this situation?"

If he says "yes," I'd tell him. If he doubted me, I'd tell him I've got proof. He can believe what he wants to, but not because I didn't try to honor his wishes and our blood bond.

If he says, "no," I'd thank him for his advice and whenever I'm bored or lonely, I'd go hump his woman.

Joke. I just wouldn't say anything to him... or her about the situation.

[Typo Lad]

Tell him.

If she's hitting on you she's hitting on other men too.

[founder81]

It wouldn't be bad to have proof, but all of the "sting operations" that were suggested. ... I see you sitting in a court room.

If you care about you cousin, I'd tell him. Very simply and matter of fact. If he beleives you or not is up to him. I'm another one who thinks : if she's doing it to you, she's doing it to others.

[nubly]

First, I'd call the house or something, with an audio recording device ready, and if she, without prompting, hit on me, again, I'd record it. If the recording turns out well enough to discern who's speaking and what she's saying, I'd talk to my cousin some place where she isn't likely to intrude.

I'd talk to him very casually about the situation, but I wouldn't tell him it's about him. I'd tell him I don't know what to do and would ask, "Would YOU want to know, in this situation?"

If he says "yes," I'd tell him. If he doubted me, I'd tell him I've got proof. He can believe what he wants to, but not because I didn't try to honor his wishes and our blood bond.

If he says, "no," I'd thank him for his advice and whenever I'm bored or lonely, I'd go hump his woman.

Joke. I just wouldn't say anything to him... or her about the situation.
thats actually a good idea

[west3man]

It wouldn't be bad to have proof, but all of the "sting operations" that were suggested. ... I see you sitting in a court room.

If you care about you cousin, I'd tell him. Very simply and matter of fact. If he beleives you or not is up to him. I'm another one who thinks : if she's doing it to you, she's doing it to others."Sting" operation or not, it'd be one person's word another's. That's tough enough, in general, but when one of them's sleeping with the judge...?!

You'd do well to have some* proof, if you're gonna speak up to a cousin you have little to no bond with.






* - something to back up such a serious claim.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

It wouldn't be bad to have proof, but all of the "sting operations" that were suggested. ... I see you sitting in a court room.

If you care about you cousin, I'd tell him. Very simply and matter of fact. If he beleives you or not is up to him. I'm another one who thinks : if she's doing it to you, she's doing it to others.


People film babysitters who watch thier children and set up thier bf's and gf's on people. Theres no law against having a woman meet you at a motel that knows you , filming her a few minutes and then telling her your gonna tell your cousin to see her reaction. If she's remorseful and admits it was only for you...then you can decide.

But if she has other men and admits it....be nice to have proof to show to someone. Because they have kids togethor and its not gonna be easy telling him without it.

[Typo Lad]

People film babysitters who watch thier children and set up thier bf's and gf's on people. Theres no law against having a woman meet you at a motel that knows you , filming her a few minutes and then telling her your gonna tell your cousin to see her reaction. If she's remorseful and admits it was only for you...then you can decide.


Actually, depending on the State, there very much are laws against such things. Anti-Voyorism laws, they're called.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

Actually, depending on the State, there very much are laws against such things. Anti-Voyorism laws, they're called.


Hmmm well then I feel for the cousin. Because without proof no way he's gonna believe it. I wonder how private detectives work when they use means to catch a spouse cheating in states with those laws ?

[Dreadstar]

I'm going to go against the grain here. And this coming from someone who HAS been cheated on.

Stay the frick out of it. Tell your significant other. NOW.

Now, with your girl in tow, visit the woman and tell her, straight up and in front of your girlfriend that if she hits on you again, you're copping to the cousin. Period. Chances are, your gf will want to have a word. Tell her to try and resist, if possible.

Now, you've covered your bases, and all that's left to do is wait to give a hand up to your cousin when he catches her.

The reason I say take this tack is because no matter HOW you try to break it to your cousin, it's going to blow up in your face. He won't believe you. He'll have doubts and confront her, and she'll spin it so that it's YOU that hit on her. Maybe he won't even believe her spin and it's the beginning of the break-up. Then there's a possibility that he'll be pissed at you for the whole thing. If nothing else, he's never going to be able to look at you without seeing her grab your crotch.

So, draw a line in the sand and cut and run.

[Huh?]

Do not get any more involved than you already are. If you have a girlfriend, tell her. If not, forget about it.

If you aren't close with your cousin, it ain't worth it. Besides, when they break up, you can take her up on her offer if you find her attractive (and you aren't with anyone).

[west3man]

nubs and his cousin aren't tight.

While that means the cousin might not believe nubs, it also means that the cousin being kinda pissed with nubs is really no biggie.

nubly, lemme know if I've misread your relationship with your cousin.

[K'Nort]

I'm in the camp of don't tell him, and tell her that if she does it again, you WILL tell her. And otherwise stay the heck out of it.

[Crawford]

Hey have you thought about just doing it? I mean really thought about it?

[Xetal]

Don't tell him. He may think you're covering up that you made a hit on her, before she can tell him, and think the worse of you (or worse.)

Too many guys are more likely to blame the other guy rather than their lady. In turn that's too often a way of avoiding facing up to whatever it is about them that makes her behave that way.

Steer well clear of both of them (family gatherings, i.e. a crowd, excepted.) He may be a good deal more aware of the problem than you think. If he isn't, he may or may not deserve the problem, but the last thing you need to do is make yourself a part of it.

[west3man]

If I got engaged, then married, then had kids eventually, then found out my woman was cheatin'... then found out my cousin(s) knew about it back before we had kids, but didn't tell him cuz I might get mad, I'd be pissed at him.

Sure, the guy might get mad, but he might not.

[Boldido]

thats actually a good idea

That's actually a crime. You cannot tape someone without their knowledge or consent in a telephone conversation with very few exceptions.

Keep your mouth shut Nubly, nothing good can come of telling anyone anything. It is very rare (and by very rare I mean never) that I have a client that said too little. This seems to transfer to regular real life situations very nicely.

I have five rules I try to live my life by:
1. Never put anything in writing.
2. Don't think with your dick.
3. No glove no love.
4. Treat women with respectful negligence.
5. Keep the silence.

If you are into the drama, then by all means, find a way to tell her. If you prefer your life to be drama free like I do, however, keep the silence.

[Slam_Bradley]

That's actually a crime. You cannot tape someone without their knowledge or consent in a telephone conversation with very few exceptions.



This depends strictly on the jurisdiction. In a number of jurisdictions only one party to the conversation has to agree to the taping. Since you are one party, you can consent.

[Boldido]

This depends strictly on the jurisdiction. In a number of jurisdictions only one party to the conversation has to agree to the taping. Since you are one party, you can consent.

Its a crime in the state where the original advice giver lives. And people should be aware that there may be criminal consequences in the states in which they reside. It just isn't worth the hassle.

BTW...

I'm sendin' the cops for you West.

[west3man]

Its a crime in the state where the original advice giver lives. And people should be aware that there may be criminal consequences in the states in which they reside. It just isn't worth the hassle.

BTW...

I'm sendin' the cops for you West.
I'll be waitin'.
I've already done it before AND told the cops about it. There are ways to make it or another scenario work.

As far as "hassle's" concerned, this isn't about doing what's easy, in my opinion.

[DarkBlade]

I have five rules I try to live my life by:
1. Never put anything in writing.

So you're the one who makes following the "get it in writing" advice so hard!

4. Treat women with respectful negligence.

I've not heard that one before.. what is it?

[cable guy]

I had something happen very similar to me a few years ago. My Cousins wife, who was very attractive, whispered in my ear that she would Do Me so hard.

I never said anything to my cousin.

I told my brothers though, and somehow it got back to my dad, and he said she had been known to do that kind of stuff now and then.

I still felt real bad.

[Boldido]

I've not heard that one before.. what is it?

That's the whole, wait three days before calling. Give her her space, treat her like a lady when she's with you but don't act like the world revolves around her thing. Now that I'm married, I really don't have much need for 4., but its still good advice and I really haven't found a new universal truth to replace it with.

[Boldido]

As far as "hassle's" concerned, this isn't about doing what's easy, in my opinion.

No, its about doing what is smart. In this case, that is just pretending nothing happened and walk away.

[west3man]

No, its about doing what is smart. In this case, that is just pretending nothing happened and walk away.
I'm going to tip-toe right around the converse of that first statement.

People have been talking about what won't get the cousin mad, etc. That's about ease.

[nubly]

nubs and his cousin aren't tight.

While that means the cousin might not believe nubs, it also means that the cousin being kinda pissed with nubs is really no biggie.

nubly, lemme know if I've misread your relationship with your cousin.
we were close as kids but havent seen each other much when we grew up. were not close


That's actually a crime. You cannot tape someone without their knowledge or consent in a telephone conversation with very few exceptions.

what are the exceptions? and how does cheaters get away with it?

That's the whole, wait three days before calling. Give her her space, treat her like a lady when she's with you but don't act like the world revolves around her thing. Now that I'm married, I really don't have much need for 4., but its still good advice and I really haven't found a new universal truth to replace it with.
thats good advice but the three day thing is just a myth perpetuated by...the good lord knows who

[west3man]

we were close as kids but havent seen each other much when we grew up. were not close
That's what I gathered from your other statements.

Whether you're close enough to care more about his knowing the truth than his being pissed... that's the question.

No one can answer that but you.

[Forefinger]

three years ago when i moved to vegas, my cousin's spouse got me a job with the company she was then working for. usually you can tell when a woman is interested in you by her body language and facial expressions. when she said my cousin didnt want to go to the christmas party and asked me to go with her, i said my girlfriend wouldnt like that. i didnt think much of anything because this was just a job to hold me down while i looked for a job in my field. after i quit this job, i didnt see her for awhile.

over the weekend, my cousin had a party and invited me to it. normally i dont go but another cousin of ours, who i havent seen in years, was going to be there. after i left my cousins wife said she would walk me out to my car. she then said shes been attracted to me and asked me if i wanted to get a hotel room tomorrow when my cousins at work. it caught me by surprise that she said that so i didnt really knew what to say. i just said i was busy tomorrow and left.

should i just ignore this or should my cousin need to know? im not really close to him but if my partner wanted to cheat on me, i would like to know. but how do you tell a man his lady wants to be unfaithful without him thinking youre BSing?
I'd just stay away from her if you aren't really close to that cousin. Odds are you aren't the only guy that she's attempting to cheat with, if she hasn't already cheated with someone else. It will come out eventually anyway. If she makes more advances, you might want to tell him at that point, because if you don't she might tell your cousin that you made advances towards her.

[YoursTruly]

You could always do like they do in the movies. Go cheat with his wife and make sure he catches you. That way he can't think you're BSing and either way he's prolly gonna be mad atcha.

[Dreadstar]

You could always do like they do in the movies. Go cheat with his wife and make sure he catches you. That way he can't think you're BSing and either way he's prolly gonna be mad atcha.

I prefer the way where he isn't mad at me.

Keep my mouth shut if she stops messin' with me.

[Boldido]

what are the exceptions? and how does cheaters get away with it?


As Slam mentioned, it varies by jurisdiction. Cheaters may film in a jurisdiction that has lax laws in that area. I never saw the show, do they tape phone conversations?

[nubly]

As Slam mentioned, it varies by jurisdiction. Cheaters may film in a jurisdiction that has lax laws in that area. I never saw the show, do they tape phone conversations?
yes they always record conversations

[GabrielleWP]

Putting my two cents in, since no one that I've seen has mentioned it. While it would be nice to stay out of it... in fear of making a messed up situation worse, if she's done it with a man she barely knows, she's done it with others.

And now a days we're not in the free love hippy world I grew up in, before AIDS.
Nubs isn't the first one she's hit on, and he's not the last I'm sure. If my other was cheating on me, and yes even ASKING is cheating, I'd want to know. The fact that it would come from someone who has no say in my life would lead me to believe it were more true than not. If there's even a chance that my other would be bringing :
Gonorrhea
Chlamydia
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
Genital Warts
Vaginitis
Genital Herpes
Syphilis
Hepatitis B
and HIV

home on the menu, I'd want to know. Because anyone with multiple partners is more at risk for those. Because faithful couples married or otherwise, don't wake up one day and have syphilis from the STD Faerie.

Just my opinion. Let him know.

GWP

[milhouse123321]

Putting my two cents in, since no one that I've seen has mentioned it. While it would be nice to stay out of it... in fear of making a messed up situation worse, if she's done it with a man she barely knows, she's done it with others.

And now a days we're not in the free love hippy world I grew up in, before AIDS.
Nubs isn't the first one she's hit on, and he's not the last I'm sure. If my other was cheating on me, and yes even ASKING is cheating, I'd want to know. The fact that it would come from someone who has no say in my life would lead me to believe it were more true than not. If there's even a chance that my other would be bringing :
Gonorrhea
Chlamydia
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
Genital Warts
Vaginitis
Genital Herpes
Syphilis
Hepatitis B
and HIV

home on the menu, I'd want to know. Because anyone with multiple partners is more at risk for those. Because faithful couples married or otherwise, don't wake up one day and have syphilis from the STD Faerie.

Just my opinion. Let him know.

GWP

I'm with you, that was a good point!!

[west3man]

I'm with you, that was a good point!!
Agreed.
People keep saying it'll come out eventually, but look at HOW it could come out.

The risk of anger versus the risks to health and happiness... that's what it comes down to.


The situation really reminds me of the sometimes hypothetical one in which a woman's being raped, plenty of people see and/or hear it, but no one does anything about it. I'm guessing that a number of those people are also thinking SOMEone will do something.

That's a scary assumption, in my opinion. If there's a car accident, if I've got the means to call the cops and alert them to it, I try to do so... just in case someone else DIDN'T.


Blah blah blah "...when good men do nothing."

[SilverSequence]

You really should tell him. How close you are with him, and the possible fall out really don't matter in this case. Bottom line is, if you don't tell him you are directly responsible for withholding information that is vital for him to know. Ignorance can be bliss, but everyone laughing at you behind your back isn't. Even if no one believes you, even if he gets angry at you, even if you get accused of hitting on her, it's pretty much your duty to do the right thing and be honest here.

BTW, the whole just let it be, it's too much trouble thing here is a bit depressing... of all the people who should uphold morality, justice, etc... a bunch of people who like to read about heroes battling bad guys really ought to be on the list.

[venuscameback]

I think in this situation, if you decide to say something, talk to the spouse first. Tell her that you think your cousin deserves to know - if you decide he does - and give her a chance to tell him first. Don't take your gf to this meeting but you might want to secretly tape it in case she tells your cousin you came on to her.

Give her the chance to talk to your cousin and sort things out between themselves before you speak to him directly.

venus

[west3man]

I think in this situation, if you decide to say something, talk to the spouse first. Tell her that you think your cousin deserves to know - if you decide he does - and give her a chance to tell him first. Don't take your gf to this meeting but you might want to secretly tape it in case she tells your cousin you came on to her.

Give her the chance to talk to your cousin and sort things out between themselves before you speak to him directly.

venus
I don't like the idea that she gets a chance to create and perfect her lies, in advance, but the recording thing helps. If nothing else, it'll illustrate that when she didn't object to his suggestion that SHE initiated things.

Heck, in the end, how would nubs know she told him unless he talks to the cousin, himself? If he's going to step in there, anyway, he may as well do it on the front end.